Can't Hold On Anymore Please Someone Help Me

[Needinghelp]

I am suffering so badly. I feel hopeless, and extremely depressed. I dont want to live anymore seriously. I see so many people suffer for so long like Buxy222, Squirrel, Elisa, Leo, Frankdee and all of you guys here still disabled and having really horrible symptoms even 8/9 years off. Some didnt even take this for that long. I messed up so badly. Really badly and had an adverse reaction on top of everything. I am suffering with no let up of symptoms I dont even feel better for 1 minute. I have severe depression, massive derealization, apathy, anhedonia, Heart palpitations, dizziness, tinnitus, head pressure, sinus, fatigue when does this end? Please I dont know if I can hold on anymore I am very suicidal and dont know what to do. I know people recover but i have also seen people not recover I cant live like this anymore. I dont have insurance or money so how must i go see someone to talk to or help me? Im stuck and dont see an end to this. Really i dont see how this can get any better.

I suffered from depression and anxiety since I was small but it was bareable. I am at my wits end.

[Junior]

Needing help - if you really are suicidal you should go to an Emergency Room or call a Telephone Counselling service. A message board is not equipped to handle this.

Aside from that, can you find any positives amongst all the negatives? Have you seen any improvement in any of your symptoms? Are you able to gain any pleasure from things? Anything? Hope is very important and if you can answer any of my questions with a positive, then you have a good starting point.

Also, could you look back at some of the things you said above and maybe say them again,but in a more positive way? For example:
"I am suffering with no let up of symptoms" could become "it is really hard when the symptoms are constant"
"I don't know if I can hold on anymore" could become "this is really really hard"
"I don't know what to do" could be "I really need support and advice"

Do you see how changing the wording changes things?

[Needinghelp]

Junior - I'm safe at work, and after that I am at home with my mom. I dont want to commit suicide I really really dont. This is just Sooo hard living like this 24/7 it makes my life so incredibly hard.

Well, my anxiety is better, but then my DR got worse... I dont understand it. I sleep well at night, so i guess thats a positive. I have so much to live for, but its not worth it in the current state im in. I cant enjoy anything. I breed Chihuahuas and just recently had a beautiful litter, but cant feel joy or happiness. It breaks me. I was once a very emotional person, could feel deeply. It saddens me to see the person that I have become...

I see what you mean. I guess if im more positive things would be easier for me... I need to start implementing that now. I dont know why i cant stop reading the negative. Whats wrong with me? Why am I doing this?

[Luc]

JI see what you mean. I guess if im more positive things would be easier for me... I need to start implementing that now. I dont know why i cant stop reading the negative. Whats wrong with me? Why am I doing this?

It's the result of the drugs, Needinghelp. In WD, our minds will obsessively gravitate towards the worst thoughts and scenarios. But it's *not* real you. It may feel like hell, for hell it is to be under such a barrage of symptoms, but it won't last forever. The very fact that your symptoms are changing, morphing from one into another, is the proof that your body, your CNS are working very hard on re-aligning themselves. Your brain is figuring out ways of fixing itself, and it's been in such self-fixing process since you have been in WD. It is very very likely this moment now is the worst one and it will, step by step, start improving.

[Mike]

I agree with Luc. This intense focus on the negative isn't you but rather a part of the biology of withdrawal. If you can label it as such (over and over again) it will reduce it's power over you. Also, read a bit from your CBT book each day and learn to challenge and reframe those distorted thoughts. This is something that over time can make a difference. It requires practice but if you do it long enough it will help. It might also be helpful to read all of the success story threads at pp and elsewhere. Print them out and read them over and over again.

Let me repeat why I am hopeful for you.

1. You have already improved. Most people who are effected for long periods don't improve as early as you do.
2. You are young, which means that you have an increased capacity for neuroplasticity compared to someone who is older. I was nearly 20 years older than you at the stage of healing you are at and my DR was gone in 13 months.
3. I believe that on average duration of use plays a big role and you had a relative short duration of use.

Finally, I agree with junior. In an emergency you really need to reach out to professionals but it makes sense to start actively looking for safe places to seek treatment now rather than later. For instance, in some parts of the world there are organizations (e.g., Soteria House) that work to support people in crisis with no medication or very minimal medication. As an act of self-care start exploring your options in your community for who might be able to support you best. There are some very caring knowledgeable people people here but you also need people who can help you face to face.

We are cheering for you, NH! You know what they say about going through hell. *Keep going*. You are healing :)

-Mike

[Iggy131313]

NH, We keep trying to pull eachother up and I wanted to address a couple of concerns you have about the people still suffering...

Shipko says healing continues for 10 years, he likens this to people who have had serious chemical toxicity, in their case recovery is slow but continues for 10 years... I bet over the course of our recovery we see Shelia, Mike, squirral, Luc and others make a full recovery...

Also Buxy was on a hrt patch for the entire duration of her w/d, I wonder with it being a hormone replacement therapy if that has held her back over time, I mean, when we are on our periods things get alot worse, and I wouldnt take HRT in this condition.

Also, I want to once again state that you didnt have a true adverse reaction to the cymbalta, your system was just WAY to sensitive to tolerate it and yes it made you feel worse and no doubt had an impact but it wasnt an adverse reaction like Frank Dee etc.

Also, you do not know if people like say Frank is drinking etc so that could impact his recovery.

People like Elisa and Zappelina yes are having just a terrible time, but it is all physical and as much as I am sure the physical pain and discomfort is horrible its not the mental torture that you are having inflicted on you at the moment.

Mike, Im sure will tell you has been through a protracted w/d in the past, and made it through after 2.5/3 years (i read your journal mike :)

Also, I know Leo says he is still bad, have you spoken to him? But again, you have to realise that Leo acctually had some MH issues before starting these meds and dont get me wrong Im not saying that is whats going on now, but I begin to believe that mental health issues are in fact physical issues in the brain, and I wonder how well the brain recovers from this when already dealing with a pre existing issue or malfunction.

The worst cases in my opinion are Squirral and Sheila, I dont know why recovery is taking so long for them and my heart and prayers are with them always, menopause whilst in w/d cant help, all those chemical changes in the body and brain are goig to interfere with a system that is fighting so hard to recover homeostasis when it is being flooded with natural changes in hormones, once again the same as our periods and with Buxys HRT that she took every day.

I wish I was 5 months out as you are now, you need to look towards to 9 month mark, this can often be a turning point for many people, and also bear in mind that in SOME cases, not all, there is more to a case than meets the eye or is posted on a forum, I need to try to remind myself of these things whenever I can.

You WILL recover, I have no doubt that you will recover, I have far more faith in your recovery than my own. I know how hard it is to get through every day in this hell, but every day you have done brings you a step closer to your recovery.

List what symptoms you are having, what has gone, and any changes over the past 5 months. xx

[Junior]

Junior - I'm safe at work, and after that I am at home with my mom. I dont want to commit suicide I really really dont.

Phew! I understand the desire to escape from it all though. Personally I envy your ability to sleep because this has been my biggest problem since Paxil first began to poop-out on me. So there you are. You are better off than me in that respect. LOL!

This is just Sooo hard living like this 24/7 it makes my life so incredibly hard.

Yes it does. And you are entitled to be frustrated and angry. Of course not being able to feel emotions like those makes it even harder.

Well, my anxiety is better, but then my DR got worse... I dont understand it. I sleep well at night, so i guess thats a positive. I have so much to live for, but its not worth it in the current state im in. I cant enjoy anything. I breed Chihuahuas and just recently had a beautiful litter, but cant feel joy or happiness. It breaks me. I was once a very emotional person, could feel deeply. It saddens me to see the person that I have become...

This is the non-linear thing about recovery. It is very very hard to deal with because we are raised to expect to 'get better' after getting sick. It's not supposed to go around in circles! But as Luc has said, you can take comfort from the fact that the changes mean your brain IS healing - albeit slowly.

I see what you mean. I guess if im more positive things would be easier for me... I need to start implementing that now. I dont know why i cant stop reading the negative. Whats wrong with me? Why am I doing this?

The others have chimed in with some very good ideas on how to deal with this. I want to add another - something I've seen mentioned by a poster at another forum. She calls it her 'doomsday thoughts' and tries to distance herself from them; to just observe them. I've been caught up in the w/d negative thinking at times and I know how hard it is. We think it is our 'normal' self and our 'normal' feelings, but it isn't. So if you can keep reframing and putting a more positive spin on things, it will help -if only a little.

[stan]

i read somewhere Buxy married, had no news from Elisa(i read her posts in PP, with her bowels not wanting move), Zappelina was very bad, but seemed better with years, yes, it makes a few people, and there are some who do no more post, how are they?

[Luc]

If I remember correctly, Zappelina posted on the other forum when she was five years off some years ago, and even though she wasn't there yet, she said it improved a lot for her.

[Needinghelp]

Thanks everyone. I will relpy to each ones post soon, I just have a huge concern and need reassurance badly Please please pleade. When I stopped paxil in May, my friend gave me a weed cookie to calm me down. I didnt know it was a weed cookie. I freaked out a bit but then calmed down. When I woke up the next morning I felt weird, foggy and a bit high. I cant remember if it faded or if I got the DR from that now I am completely freaking out. Will it still go away? I am scared it wont I cant live with DR for the rest of my life. Please help me must I go on meds? Whlill it go away even if I took that cookie? I read somewhere of peole having it for life I cant live like this