Introducing Astrid

[Astrid]

Hello everybody,

My name is Astrid, I'm 40 and I'm from The Netherlands.
I have been on Seroxat (paroxetine) 20 mg a day, for 13 years.
I started tapering in March 2012 and took my last dose at the end of August 2012, so I tapered for almost 6 months.
I now realize it would have been much better to take more time, to take a whole year, but I wanted to get rid of the medication,
and I thought 6 months would be enough time.
My doctor suggested I took even less time, but I had been reading experiences on the internet, and I knew 3 months wouldn't be enough.

The tapering went fine in the beginning, my head was clear and I had so much more energy!
After 2 months I had changed a lot, my thinking was much clearer, I started to think about the friendship with my "best girl-friend" and I realized
this friendship was not so good at all. The friendship was ended after 15 years, and I'm still very sad about it now, almost a year later.
So at that moment, I was tapering and felt very alone too. I don't have a partner and I don't have a very warm family either, sadly to say, so it was quite a difficult period for me.
I didn't have a job, and no obligation to apply for one (alimoney), so I had the time and space to recover. But it also meant I became very isolated from everything.
The last month of the tapering was hell, I had a lot of headpressure, my muscles were trembling, and I was exhausted. The only thing I did was watching movies on tv.
But I did it!!! I'm still very proud that I made it.

The first 2 months after the last dose, September and October, I was doing fine and felt good. But then November came, and I started having withdrawal symptoms....
I was really surprised, because I never expected this to happen. Maybe silly, but I thought it would only be during tapering that this could happen, and not after 2 months being clean. The headpressure was back with a vengeance, and I had this loud ringing in my ears, like a whistle, and a constant humming, it drove me crazy....
I was crying all the time. Didn't want to go outside anymore, could hardly stand up because my legs were very weak.
It was then, that I started looking for more information about withdrawal, because I had no idea what was happening.
Luckily, I found a dutch website with more information, and this forum. Finally I got the answers to all my questions, and learned about the waves and the windows, and recognized all the symptoms I had....and realized this would take more time than I had ever expected.

Now in February 2013 I can feel that the wave, when it comes back, is milder than in the beginning.
The whistling in my ears is still there, but less loud than in November. The same with the headpressure, still there but less.

The only thing that hasn't changed, is that I feel very alone in this situation. I have two friends, but they are also very sensitive people and I don't want to bother them with my stories about how bad I feel. I have been talking about my WD for a lot, and now I have the feeling that when I talk about it, it's annoying them. I have the feeling that the whole subject has become a no go area, if you understand what I mean...
Anyway, this is something that you can only understand when you've experienced it yourself.
And that's why I'm here, telling you my story, because I need a place to go when I feel bad and need some comfort, and to feel less alone in this situation.
I'm still crying a lot, feeling sad and I'm afraid I'll never be able to start something new like a volunteering job, because I'm mentally so unstable.

Astrid