How is all this possible? It will be a year next month since the adverse reaction and subsequent “suffering” debilitating anxiety and depression. I am fragile and weary to say the least. Better in MANY ways from that horrible day in March, but still feel physically and mentally damaged. Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder if I will see the confident and happy person that I used to be. At month (9) of the suffering I was diagnosed with cancer and a new concurrent “sentence” began.
I have made improvements in that when this first happened I was frozen with terror and anxiety so severe it hurt to wake up… if I could even get to sleep. I can go places now without feeling stricken with pure fear that I would fall dead with a heart attack or that a panic attack would surely follow in the middle of whatever simple task I would be trying to do. (Before this I was a multi-task type person… loved adventure…travel…etc.) Now I am somewhat happy when I realize I can at least go places (grocery store, doctor, church). How pathetic?
Some positive. I was able to withstand a couple surgeries at month 10 and 11, a hospital stay for the cancer, and now chemo treatments and multiple doctor appointments. For those that know the nature of the beast (the SSRI adverse reaction beast) …. At least in my situation it started with insane anxiety/ akethesia/ terror state and then moved on to symptoms that mimic a major depressive disorder…. And doing these things would have been almost impossible without sedation early on. But even the thought of sedation would have driven me mad with fear. So, I know I have not gone backwards since the A/R but I’m still not where I would like to be. There was a lady’s story that Iggy found on PP and I could really identify with what she said of her adverse reaction …. doesn’t matter how deep you are in hell, you’re still in hell. I couldn’t agree more. I have improved but not to where I want to be. An SSRI took a lot from me. There were lots of good things in my life, I was not some person that couldn’t function in life or had nothing to look forward to. Never had a need for a therapist. My life was filled with hopes/dreams/goals/confidence. A lot I had accomplished and there were still lots of great things I was looking forward to doing. I slept well at night, I enjoyed spending time with my son and loved life. I HAD MOTIVATION. Now, I know what derealization feels like…. this makes me angry and sad. I question myself everyday now…which was never an option before.
Originally Posted by m&m
