suicidal ideations

[Iggy131313]

But I cant junior, I cant see that time, I think I will be forever traumatised by this even if I do heal and so so many people never heal completely, or feel so traumatised by their experience that life is forvere changed.

I dont want life after this, I want to go back in time and for this to not happen to me, but I know thats not an option...

also the one thing people NEVER heal from is the sensitivitites to meds, there was someone on PP who was recovered in 3 years, then stated some steroid meds and went back into w/d and is not healed now after anohter 3 years have passed....so even if I heal I will never be able to move on and put it behond me, I will always be looking over my shoulder waiting for it to come back, PLUS I will never have any more children, as that threw Shea back into w/d, so like you I greive that that part of my life is over.

and with the meds thing, if I ever get really sick in the future then its game over, I will never accept treatment for ANYTHING because of the risk od w/d coming back (if it ever goes away) so if I get something serious, Im dead anyway.

I cant see a way out of this. I cant see a way back home

[Junior]

But I cant junior, I cant see that time, I think I will be forever traumatised by this even if I do heal and so so many people never heal completely, or feel so traumatised by their experience that life is forvere changed.

I dont want life after this, I want to go back in time and for this to not happen to me, but I know thats not an option...

also the one thing people NEVER heal from is the sensitivitites to meds, there was someone on PP who was recovered in 3 years, then stated some steroid meds and went back into w/d and is not healed now after anohter 3 years have passed....so even if I heal I will never be able to move on and put it behond me, I will always be looking over my shoulder waiting for it to come back, PLUS I will never have any more children, as that threw Shea back into w/d, so like you I greive that that part of my life is over.

and with the meds thing, if I ever get really sick in the future then its game over, I will never accept treatment for ANYTHING because of the risk od w/d coming back (if it ever goes away) so if I get something serious, Im dead anyway.

I cant see a way out of this. I cant see a way back home

This is the grief thing I've mentioned before. At the moment, a large part of you wants to deny this ever happened and just go back to how you were before. Intellectually you know that can't happen but emotionally you are really struggling with it. Dealing with that emotional stuff is made a zillion times harder by the neuro-emotion of w/d, but I believe it is there nonetheless. In fact, as I think about it, your constant search for other people's experiences reminds me of the 'yearning and searching' phase of bereavement / grief. You want confirmation that all of this WILL pass because you don't want to believe you will never be that way again. People who have lost someone often display a restlessness because they just can't deal with the notion that they will never see their loved one again. They find they have to keep busy because they don't know how to deal the restlessness. Can you see the parallel?

The next step, if you follow a relatively 'normal' pattern (yes, I know w/d is not normal), will be to 'adjust to life without the deceased'. In your case that will mean adjusting to your present lifestyle rather than constantly wishing it is all over. You will pass into this phase in your own time. With grief there is no 'right' time or 'right' way to grieve. The same applies here.

[m&m]

The steroid post struck a nerve with me since I have to start them next week!! Chemo was moved to then.

At the present moment I am not on any medicine ..... But, I now have this list of drugs that the doctors want for my treatment that I will be starting:

Taxotere / Carboplatin (Chemo)
Herceptin (Her2 Treatment)
Decadron (Steroid)
Aloxi (IV drug for Nausea)
Emend (IV drug ... nausea?)
Ondansetron (nausea) (*as needed)
Prochlorperazine (nausea) (*as needed)
Lorazepam (*I know this is a benzo so I might not take it, they want me to take for sleep at night)

What happened to this person on PP who took the steroids, was it like another adverse reaction? I HOPE NOT because that was the worst night of my entire life

I am carrying through with treatment. I do feel like I want to die MANY times, but as we all know, we just want to be saved and the pain to end... not die.

And for me, I'd rather die fighting and with some dignity. My son deserves that at least... for me to try.

Last night I was feeling your pain Iggy. Well technically it was my own pain, but you described it very well in your post. It was this huge overwhelming feeling accompanied by hopelessness and suicidal thought... and feeling like a horrible excuse for a mother. (THIS WAS BEFORE I READ YOUR POST) I was so distraught, that my mom had to come over and calm me down AND spend the night with me. I hate living like this. Like you said, at least we had 30+ years of a good life we were blessed with. This current state is just no life at all, BUT we must press on.

Praying God embraces you and gives you the comfort and strength to carry through. But most of all, I pray that God heals the mind, body and soul completely. I'm sorry for your loss Iggy.

[m&m]

But I cant junior, I cant see that time, I think I will be forever traumatised by this even if I do heal and so so many people never heal completely, or feel so traumatised by their experience that life is forvere changed.

I dont want life after this, I want to go back in time and for this to not happen to me, but I know thats not an option...

also the one thing people NEVER heal from is the sensitivitites to meds, there was someone on PP who was recovered in 3 years, then stated some steroid meds and went back into w/d and is not healed now after anohter 3 years have passed....so even if I heal I will never be able to move on and put it behond me, I will always be looking over my shoulder waiting for it to come back, PLUS I will never have any more children, as that threw Shea back into w/d, so like you I greive that that part of my life is over.

and with the meds thing, if I ever get really sick in the future then its game over, I will never accept treatment for ANYTHING because of the risk od w/d coming back (if it ever goes away) so if I get something serious, Im dead anyway.

I cant see a way out of this. I cant see a way back home

Hi Dear,

Well, I am here to tell you that this sensitivity to meds is not true for everyone (I still would not trust SSRIs... of course). Certainly I feel MUCH empathy for this person who had their w/d symptoms come back after taking steriods, but... I have taken 4 steroids today. (2) 4 mg of Dexamethason (generic Decadron) this morning at 11:15 am and then (2) 4 mg with dinner at 6:00 pm and to God be the glory, there was no adverse reaction. I've actually been in a good place today. Nausea was down dramatically... just great day.

So, just letting you know it is NOT game over if you need treatment for something in the future. :-)