Glad to see there's so much improvement, Claudius. :) The worst will NEVER be back. And, once those neurological symptoms have reached 50-60%, you will be almost there.
Glad to see there's so much improvement, Claudius. :) The worst will NEVER be back. And, once those neurological symptoms have reached 50-60%, you will be almost there.
Keep walking. Just keep walking.
Welcome, Claudius! Thank you for sharing your story here again. Others will learn from it.
I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this hell. I’m really glad to hear you’re able to work some now. And, I’m so glad you feel you have learned and grown in wisdom so much – even though we certainly wish it hadn’t had to be in this way!
And, as Stan said, thank you very much for your Dutch intro pages!
Meds free since June 2005.
"An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
-- Holger Kalweit
Claudius -- I'm curious. If you had to pick one, which of these 5 categories of symptoms would you say has bothered you the most in w/d? I mean, which is the one you hate the most, not which was worst, or which is worst now. Which one did you hate the most over the whole course of w/d?-Diarrea and intestinal mess: 98% recovery
-Crying spells: 80% recovery
-Aggression and anger: 70% recovery
-Ruminations and homicidal tendencies: 80% recovery
-Cognitive abilities: 90% recovery
-Neurological issues, electrical jolts in chest and eye spasms: 30% recovery THIS IS MY LAST TORTUROUS SYMPTOM
Meds free since June 2005.
"An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
-- Holger Kalweit
That's a difficult one, the first 20 months or so I was just a total physical and mental mess... in those days the intestinal cramps and diarrea were very bad and so were the ruminations about my bully experience from 20 years earlier.
In the subsequent phase of w/d, those thoughts occasionally poppud up again, the diarrea was gone but the neuro-electrical symptoms were still very bad and made working completely impossible. Right now I feel pretty exhausted by the whole experience but feel a massive recovery too. It is still the neuropathic stuff, the jolts in the chest and the eye spasms who still hinder my functioning. But it is the last phase of w/d though improvement is still very slow. I expect this symptom will finally vanish and that will bring me to the next level: building a new career and cope with this whole horrific experience.
But at the same time I am grateful for overcoming the first horrific period without getting back to the meds, though it would have been better when I had discovered PaxilPRogress immediately and getting back and tapering proerpy was still an option. But unfortunetely I had no idea what was going on nor did my 3 therapists at that time...
I still am very sorry that no therapist put me on the right track in that time, although they were firmly against meds, they did not have any knowledge about protracted w/d, even the orthomoleculair doctor I visisted only gave me supplements to "detox my body from the meds", but we know now that it does not work that way with these scary meds.
Recovering from the ravages of withdrawal after 5 years on Paxil/Seroxat, originally prescribed for stress and, looking backward, PTSS.
Though it is hardly possible to get something positive from the utter hell of repeated c/t's and protracted w/d, all of this unnecessary, I still believe in the possiblity to emerge from this as a healed, wiser human being.
All we need is just a little patience - Guns N' Roses
This really strikes me! I recognise it all to well.Originally Posted by Claudius
Dont be to hard on yourself Claudius.
I am 42 years old, and the last year ( simultanious with the tapering) I started an official procedure against my abusers.
Maybe everything came back with a vengeance because of the tapering, but I am glad it did!
These feelings of rage and injustice to what they did to me and my sister, were burried onder a lot of chemicals for 16 years! They never should have been burried to begin with! I am glad an proud of the fact that after all these years i will no longer stay silent about the horrible things they did to us.
Gladly I recongnized the power behind my rage, and therefor could control it for a bit. At first a was frozen and anxiuos of my feelings of rage returning so powerfull,but then I started to realise that these feelings where locked in for 16 years and that it was not strange that they felt so overwhelming.
For me, it turns out to be a good thing that my rage in this area has returned and i was able to do something constructive and healing with it.
My rage is justified,to say the least, and it never should nave been burried to begin with.
Finally after dozen years in therapy, I am adressing my abusers in the way they should be adressed. The fact that I am able to confront and adress them now, is not because of the therapy I went trough, but because I am no longer under the infuence of the AD's.
In this last year I "healed" more than I ever did in therapy.
Just by simply adressing my anger where it belongs. ( of course in a safe and thoughtfull way)
So dont be to hard on yourself because you felt rage returning with a vengeance. The fact that rage returned is a good thing, but you must take care that you dont let it out with a vengeance, but instead choose to slowly release it, bit by bit.
Well its almost funny how we have causes and reactions in common!
Very strange, about 3 months in WD my ruminations began and I started to hallucinate about my former bully, a 21 year old sadistic guy who was a member of the student corps I joined as a 19 year old boy. For about one half year, I was convinced that these unprocessed memories were the CAUSE of my disease instead of a WD symptom. Because it was the most frightening I ever had to endure and I was almost completely mentally broken when I finally quit the membership of this club after 1.5 year of humiliation, threats and hissing in my ear I was worthlwess and should die.
I started EMDR therapy and though this was not very wise in WD, it did help me to deal with the memories and kept me off restarting. Strange enough, I saw restarting the meds as a kind of surrender to my bully! And that is also the reason I did not restart!
Now the ruminations are far less but I still cope with the fact my forst your on my own was a living hell due to this mean and sadistic guy and he never paid the price for it. In the darkest depths of WD I could only think about killing him and had made some serious plans in that direction... But in our country is it not easy to obtain a weapon and with my last remaining rationality I hesitated to set the steps fearing for the imprisonment if I would get caught...
At least I confronted him with it albeit in a dangerous way, I wrote a long article about what had happened and what he had done to me and put in on the internet with his full name in it (he has a pretty unique name) and took care for it that googling his name showed this artice in the first hit.... so everybody who has Googled him would read what happened. He even called me one time by phone to make his excuse although he never gaven any explanation for why he chose me as a victim while I was a shy but nice, polite and friendly guy.
I am proud to have quit the meds although it nearly costed me my life, I was and still am just not willing to be addicted for live. And you can be proud too to chose your path and not be guided by medical lies anymore.
Recovering from the ravages of withdrawal after 5 years on Paxil/Seroxat, originally prescribed for stress and, looking backward, PTSS.
Though it is hardly possible to get something positive from the utter hell of repeated c/t's and protracted w/d, all of this unnecessary, I still believe in the possiblity to emerge from this as a healed, wiser human being.
All we need is just a little patience - Guns N' Roses
I know about the revenge fantasies, that can accompany the return of strong rage, in the proces of tapering.
Because you quit cold turkey, your feelings of rage must have been far stronger than mine. I could let myself get used to them while tapering my meds, I had more time to figure out why I had these feelings returning so fiercly.
When I quit my meds cold turkey the year before, I suffered from violent impulses, that scared the hell out of me. These violent impulses were the reasom for me to give in on starting medication again.
I veiw it as a bottle of coke that has been shaken. If you release the pressure at once by removing the cap, the coke will come out like a fountain and overflow. If you turn the cap a bit open but not release it, than some pressure can escape, bit by bit, untill you can safely remove the cap from the shaken bottle,without the coke spraying out of it.
In a way it is not wrong of you to have confronted that guy with his former behavior. The way you choose to do it, was to impulsive and dangerous for yourself, and for that guy, and therefor it backfired on you.
Im glad to read that you came to your senses and realised that your behavior towards that guy was partly because of the WD. I am glad no one got harmed in an inrevearsable way!
But for you to be mad, and to grief about what you been trough in that particulair year is not wrong, nor strange. It is just unfortunate that all your energy came out like it did, and that you had little control over it, due to the WD.
The analogy of the coke bottle is a very good one, and there lies the power of tapering using the 10% rule. Too late for me and thing went how they went. In the end I did survive, thanks to my mom, my former employer and my good friends who did believe me. And indeed the way I choosse to confront the guy was not good and very dangerous, but until the day of today I am deeply convinced that this paricular guy was not just a bully, but indeed an extreme sadistic, cruel, subhuman person whose target was very likely to rob me completely from any self-esteem, any joy and pleasure and wanted to push me finally to suicide, which would had given him the utmost satisfaction.
Nevertheless I played a very dangerous game and I will regret this forever. You write that you fight for justice after what somebody did to you and your sister long ago, maybe if this involves sexual abuse you still have some rights. Unfortuntely, bullying and socially isloating people is still not a recognized crime, while the impact can be hust as great as rape.
If I one day seize power in this country, I will definately change that! :)
Recovering from the ravages of withdrawal after 5 years on Paxil/Seroxat, originally prescribed for stress and, looking backward, PTSS.
Though it is hardly possible to get something positive from the utter hell of repeated c/t's and protracted w/d, all of this unnecessary, I still believe in the possiblity to emerge from this as a healed, wiser human being.
All we need is just a little patience - Guns N' Roses
The things that happend, happend to long ago, unfortunatly. It is allready "verjaard". I found out that it has been "verjaard" in 2006. But none the less there are oppurtunities for me to follow a legal procedure against them, wich I am currently involved in. But the chance that the get away with it is very big. But I have learned to accept that fact.
The thing that I found to be the hardest is that I have to accept that the world is not a disney movie, where everything is good, and bad people have to pay for their deeds. That is not the reality of the world we live in.
Instead I try to focus on myself and my child, and friends, to be as happy as I can be, even with the knowledge that the world can be a rottenplace to liv ein.
I wish you the same!
Yes I get the problem. We have to live with the fact that meny crimes will never be punished. The same counts for the criminals of Big Pharma who made us addicted to these nasty chemicals, misusing our trust in the medical health care system.
At the same time, while further recovering, I can more and more enjoy the better things in life again: good eating, drinking, nature, going out with friends etc.
Recovering from the ravages of withdrawal after 5 years on Paxil/Seroxat, originally prescribed for stress and, looking backward, PTSS.
Though it is hardly possible to get something positive from the utter hell of repeated c/t's and protracted w/d, all of this unnecessary, I still believe in the possiblity to emerge from this as a healed, wiser human being.
All we need is just a little patience - Guns N' Roses
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