Moui's mumblings.....

[Moui]

I don't know.. I have a lot of thoughts but I can't narrow it down to something specific yet. In the past years I've come to realize most of my thoughts are crap and are best used as a manure so maybe a beautiful flower of a thought can blossom one day.

Yesterday was gloomy and then something hit my achilles spot and I plunged into a bit of depression. Still not supercharged must-die-now wd depression but oh yeah depression. Dark thoughts, bad memories, very self-loathing..no interest in things, chest felt tight and breathing was shallow, nauseous. I wanted to change that stupid avatar and put something else, it irritated me. I think it was natural, I've had that before drugs and sometimes even on drugs. I knew it would pass so I just let it be and did my little routines anyway. Today ok again. Don't really want to talk too much about that right now... I'm wondering if the depression made me focus on this issue (it's an old one, pre-med pattern) or if the issue brought the depression.
Oh I just finished a marathon of videos.. from the TedTalk you gave to Overpill to some Healy documentaries. I knew there was something familiar in that Tedtalk and I had indeed started to watch it and now I remember why I didn't finish. It was sometime during this ssri-era of mine and I was feeling bad then and I had to stop when she pulled out the brain lol. Well, I'm glad I finished it.. interesting stuff. In the youtube sidebar I saw a dozen more hour or more long videos.

There are documentary's about this all over the place, sadly no one wants to see them and few have the resources to make a documentary.

scotty from another topic on PP..

[Iggy131313]

well, you said you wanted some withdrawal symptoms moui, to show you are healing as you go along, I think you are having some, stay at the dose you are at for a while, let the healing happen. x

[Sheila]

Well, if at some point, you feel like sharing what some of your interests are, I’m interested, and maybe I can see a way to put them together. You know we think that identifying and pursuing your deepest passions is one of the very best ways to hasten healing from w/d. But it can be very hard to identify one’s deepest passions. There are dragons guarding the gate.

[Moui]

Sheila, I'll get back to you on that. My dragons are freaking huge. Three headed hydras.. Smaug ain't got nothing on these guys. Going to need an army of dwarves.

Today a bit of depression again, waxes and wanes. Though less than the day before. Again to put into perspective this is I would say about a 1% of intensity to the previous wd depression (other day maybe..5%?). It doesn't really bother me all that much. I just mention it for the record.
Iggy, I wish I knew that this was wd.. but I need to be honest with myself and my life was not all sunshine and rainbowfarts before the drugs. I did have, and still do have a lot of self loathing. The depression in wd was different.. this is low energy, wanting to be alone, gloom. In WD it was 'oh god why can't I feel any pleasure, what is wrong, this is horrible, make it stop'.. agitated depression? More hysteric.. I would use words dysphoria or anhedonia.
If this is wd, where is the dissociation, where is insomnia, where is terror, burning skin.. However, both times I had a honeymoon period, where things felt more natural. And this might be like that. The first time we were on a roadtrip in Norway and we stayed at a boat motel/bar for the night and my friends had a few beers and I don't remember why but I was super gloomy. They joked about it and I remember it irritated me a lot. I felt like they were mocking me. Then a week later or so the DR set in, then it went away for a while and then came again and stayed for good. Second time I was still in the army and I just wanted to be alone.. all the friends I had made there annoyed me and I just felt like everyone was being an a-hole and wanted to be alone. Again week or two later BAM.

[Sheila]

We will be your minions, and overpower the hydras!

You’re definitely in w/d and it’s very difficult to tease out your own bona fide issues from the neurological exacerbation. I developed a system for myself of assessing any given state of distress based on what was going on at the moment, and deciding what the percentage was for that particular day, eg 30% my issues and 70% w/d. On another occasion, it might be 50 / 50. I think it’s better to think complexly about this – that it’s always both psych and neuro or “you” and "not you." You’re really good about owning your psychological issues. You have be careful not to go overboard and over-psychologize. Some of what you’re feeling, even if it is familiar in your character, is *definitely* magnified and distorted by w/d.

[Iggy131313]

see? come on, be a positive thinking dick with me and lossleader!!

Im surprised to hear that you have self loathing, I have to say that you are one of my favorite people on the boards, you are funny, witty, intelligent and very kind and generous, you have alot to love about yourself.

I agree with sheila that you are experiencing withdrawal, just because it deosnt feel the same as last time, doenst mean thats not what it is....your going slower now so the feelings WILL be different.

I like you very much moui, your a fabbo bloke!

what omega 3 dose are you on? the table on the main forum needs updating, go add your new value!

[Moui]

Sheila, yes it's difficult to separate because it all mixes together feeds off each other..
Thanks igguy :) I think you're a splendid ol chap as well.
Well, that didn't take long. Page 4 and my three major issues are out there even if I didn't feel like talking about it too much. The self loathing, this lack of knowing and pursuing a passion and the citalopram-deal. I've defined this 3-headed beast for a while. Ow, ow.. painful topic. I would much rather post pictures of cute kittens .. Sheila, do you have an interesting theory about how the universe (or my subconscious) brings this up until I solve it or something like that?

This is a very weird pattern I'm not used to.. comes and goes. Yesterday I had a bit of the fright..that anticipatory feeling that something is wrong and something bad is going to happen, like before a panic attack. Haven't had that in a long time and it went away after sleeping. Not like wd.. well wd waxed and waned in intensity but never left. Oh, and I slept for 13 hours instead of the usual 8.. not sure what was up with that but the last two days were a bit off. Low energy which may be for many reasons and I don't think this stuff is worth over analyzing. Too much tea recently (tolerance?), been eating junk food and helping my dad build a garden wall thing. I feel like taking a nap even now.. my mind is goo. Bla. Don't eat pizzas guys. Seriously, those things mess you up. Overall nothing new here.

[Sheila]

Our bodies are going through a lot of healing, and sometimes it just knocks you out. Some people have a lot of sleepiness in w/d. I haven't, but every once in awhile I'll have an episode of sleeping a lot for a few days.

Yes, it's funny how both our unconscious *and* the universe brings up what wants to be healed all the time! I like the idea that we are unconsciously always working towards healing, wholeness, self-actualization. And, even unwittingly, we set up circumstances to help us take the next steps.