You’re thinking things through really well, Alex. You’re asking really good questions.
OK, it has been a long time since your last alcohol and clonzapam – this will make things easier for you now.
That’s so cool you recorded some music. Yes, “amplify” is an excellent word. I would say that some anxiety and excitement about making a recording would be normal, right? But, the meds can take whatever you’re feeling and amplify it. I remember another performer saying that she used to be an adrenaline junkie before meds – loved the thrill *and* nervousness of performing – but came to really dislike the feelings that came with performing due to the meds.
“Happy potato”! That’s cute! But, unfortunately, yes, the numbness and apathy you’re observing are classic signs of your body becoming worn out by the drug. Basically, these drugs work kind of like legal speed (amphetamine). They “mine” (extraer? explotar?) your adrenal glands. Eventually, your adrenal glands get worn out and tired. This is a simplification, of course. The drugs do a lot more to your body. But this is one of the things they do.
I think the best way to become convinced that the med is 1) not helping as much as before, and 2) causing more problems than before is to read lots of other people’s stories, and notice the overwhelming pattern. I think this is what convinced me. We are a new, small forum, and we can point you to other forums with more people. Also, have you found any Spanish-language forums? If so, can you give us the links?
By the way, how did you find us?
There are also some good books in English, and some may have been translated into Spanish by now.
Lastly, it’s very hard to know where you really are in regard to your original psychological problems. It sounds like you’ve already done a lot of excellent work on yourself, plus you have matured and gained more life experience. I think you will have to taper slowly and see what comes up. But, before you even start to taper, I would try to get ready by starting a good diet, vitamin, exercise, relaxation / meditation, and other self-care regimen. We can also help you with those things.
