well, Im back online after having my internet access gone for 2 months
its very sad that I am in this state, I was so much better SO much better, after my last message at the end of Feb I continued to improve, March was GREAT (well, I still had symptoms but I thought I was healing) I took Freddie to the school dosco and felt normal, I took him to several birthday partiess and to the fun fair, the park etc...I painted the living room and enjoyed watching tv, and while I was still having uncomfortable periods through the day I was able to overcome them and return to feeling pretty good, hopeful, laughing, I even got up one saturday morning and gave my hubby a lie in.
So easter sunday came around, I was aware I had started to feel a little worse over that week but was trying to ignore it, I had made some great easter baskets for freddie and my nephew and went to my sis in laws for an easter dinner, had 2 hours of inner restlessness whilst there which was very uncomfortable and horrid but it passed again and I enjoyed my day there, in the evening my friend came around, hubby went to the pub and I had a really nice night chatting and laughing...went to bed...all good.
when I woke up the next morning I realised I hadnt taken my minute dose of citalopram (0.72mg) I went out to the shops with little Freddie and was aware I was still feeling a little worse, now Im not 100% clear on this but I think I took the dose of citalopram when I got home...within an hour or 2 an intense dizzyness started to overcome me, I had to go and lie down, and within a couple of hours the most acute hell had settled back over me, ACUTE HELL, couldnt think straight, could only feel terror pain and dizzyness and sickness, I could feel things happening in my brain, pins and needles, sharp pains, strange sensations like an egg being cracked on my brain (like a cold wet slimy feeling running down my brain) my left eye went CRAZY non stop twitching, I was despondant, I couldnt belive this had happened to me after I had been doing so well, I mean this was the BIG TIME ACUTE stuff.
Even the evenings were hell, I couldnt move from the bedroom for about 8 days and didnt leave the house for about 3 weeks, I was self harming, begging to die, just 24/7 torture and pain, I have no idea how a human can go through this.
over the past week or so, maybe a week and a half i have started to pick up again, not as good as march but im functioning again, Im getting up (BRUTAL mornings) going to the shops, picking up Freddie from school, cooking tea etc and then by the evenings Im usually feeling ok (over the past few days, the past 2 I have even felt happy in the evenings) but this wave hitting me has knocked my confidence alot.
It was so stupid of me to think I could have been recovering, and this wave nearly killed me.....is it a good sign that I had that 4 week window, even if it was not a 100% window? I have a few theories about why that wave could have happened,
1) it was 5 months since my last more aggressive taper off this from 4mg-2mg (50%)
2) I had forgetten to the dose, I dont think my body would have gone into acute w/d so quickly but perhaps reintroducing the med to my body caused it?
3) It was 9 monhs since my adverse reaction
4) just a wave
I dont know, but Im scared guys, scared of it happening again, because I know it will and I cant cope, its too strong, too much torture with nothing I can do to make it stop, I was screaming for hubby to kill me please kill me please help me die. but I dont want to die, I want to recover and be with my son.
I dont know, im pretty depressed about it all, if I cant feel hopefull when Im feeling better then whats the point? I could do with some encouragement and support guys
