m&m -- Your feelings are still largely neuro-emotion, exacerbated by chemo and other drugs. You really cannot trust your assessment of things yet. For whatever reason, your neuro-anxiety and neuro-depression have landed on the fear of you or someone else committing suicide. I swear to you, if it weren't that, it would be something else. Most of us become obsessed about some worst case scenario. It is a hallmark of this syndrome. Some day we will understand the neural substrate behind it.
I'm very sorry to hear about the boyfriend of your acquaintance. That would be disturbing news to even a normal person. Of course, I can't help but wonder if he was changing dose on an AD.....But, when you have healed neurologically, you will only be normally upset to hear of a suicide in your circle. It won't hit you the way it does now.
Just as your life was completely different before, so it will be completely different again. You just have to go through this ordeal for some reason. Learn all there is to learn. Be as creative with it as possible. And it will end.
