Thanks for taking the time to write that when you're so ill yourself, you're an angel. I will definitely try to make it as slow as I can. I think I'll need some equipment to make it to such small doses. I'll have to read that instruction again.

I know F doesn't know.. I guess it's just how the scary ideas have such a strong pull. Especially because I can't think of anyone who had a really bad wd and was able to make it smooth..all I can think is those who had a failed RI or RI'd but still ended up bad. I'm not always a very optimistic person so for me it's that maybe, Idk why you do it as from your posts you seemed so happy go lucky pre drugs. Or then you're just in denial. lol jk. I don't usually talk about my fears so much as I'm more of keep it inside and try to keep a good spirit.. and I have to clarify that these are just fears of mine and my situation (the adverse stuff).. and that yes it is possible that I might actually make a smoother landing. I just have a hard time trusting that with all I've gone through. It seems too good to be true.
I'll try some of this cathartic (?) fear releasing, sorry guys for the following huge rant:

Each time I've started the drug I've had akathisia and agitation which has continued until I've made a drop (50% usually), then it's been like the gear that had been in overdrive was released and the good feelings flowed. Bruno2006 somewhere used a metaphor of ssris being like the romans enslaving the gauls to work harder. That's how it was for me.. At the start 100% of gauls were alive but when I quit 1st time 30% remained after only 4 month whipping of 20-10-5mg. After one year of WD the population had risen to 65%. Then I went back on and the enslaving and whipping continued. At first the 5mg after 10mg overdrive of whipping seemed to work, but then the gauls couldn't keep it up anymore(first pain episodes), the romans had to cut back their whipping to 2.5mg. Fast forward to next attempt to quit and at that time the WD was far worse and only 10% were alive. Again back on drug... more whipping.. gauls couldn't handle 2.5 anymore (more pain side effect)... then 2... then 1.8 caused them to fall to the ground exhausted. Now the whipping continues at 0.65mg and every day at the whipping time I fear the gauls can't handle it anymore.

Another thing is that when I joined PP I was a week or two from my close encounter with suicidality and RI and yes the major bad stuff was gone but the RI didn't bring me back fully. Outbursts of anger, confusion, a coldness/sadness like I was the last human on earth, my emotions felt dry.. I actually used to listen to this because it sounded how I felt (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8VoZVpeIL-Y), sounds and noises and sudden changes aggravated me, I had a hard time reading the forum and my eyes were bouncing all over, it was very hard to continue the weightlifting as I felt a constant spinning.. to me that was mild-moderate compared to the bad stuff. So my plan was to stay at 2.5 until that would slowly ease and then I would do the superduper slow taper. Some of it did ease slowly but the major change happened in Sept or Oct and it didn't feel like gradual healing.. it was similar to the pain stuff. I had an unnatural feeling of pressure buildup behind my eyes (also similar to that scooping thing I've mentioned) like they would pop out and it continued to grow for about 4 days? And then it started to even out but it felt really weird and not natural.. but my mood went up instantly at the same time. Pretty soon followed a severe pain episode. Had to drop to 2.. and so on. And as I've continued to drop and do the other things I feel healthier and my mood has continued to be better. (I've finally had some depression especially this week but still mild). I question have I improved or am I just more 'under the effect?'. There are things which would indicate that my cns is healthier like my concentration and the vertigo gone.

My hope is that I can do this slowly and the pain stuff doesn't return.. I'm just scared. If it were even worse than the 2nd time I would be so ill. It had been a pretty gray day yesterday and then that post and another from frankdee hit a nerve. I broke down and cried last night for a good 20 minutes .. I just wanted to go back to simpler times .. I cried for me. I cried for you,what all of us here are going through... I thought about Bilo..
Hey hows that for an attitude. I seem to have recomposed myself today mostly. No other choice but to hope for this long slow taper and get up and keep going no matter what happens.