Psychology and relationships

[Chris]

I have noticed that when someone starts out by saying, "I don't mean to be a jerk, but . . ." or "Don't take this the wrong way, but . . ." what they then say after that is often hurtful. However, if another person gives me the exact same feedback without the introductory disclaimer, I don't feel put down. I wonder why this is.
Recently two different people, separately, gave me the same feedback. One was a straightforward suggestion, which was very welcome The other made the exact same suggestion, but couched it in no less then three apologies (such as "I don't mean to be a jerk, but you should . . .) for making the suggestion.

[stan]

it is curious, but you are right, why?

[Sheila]

Maybe when people use those introductory words, it triggers memories of others having been hurtful and overly critical, but when someone you trust reasonably well just makes a straightforward suggestion, your emotions don’t get so stirred up.

[Luc]

It may well depend on a given context, too, I think; who says it, what the situation is, timing, word order, tone of voice even. Also WD adds to it big time, neuro-emotions, etc.

[Chris]

Sheila--you are right to draw focus to my reaction-- and the reasons for my associations. I find that I/we focus on the other person/ external causes of distress while the more significant cause is often internal--maybe we externalize because inner source is too painful.

[Sheila]

Very true, annie.