Wow, how do I begin? I was "formally" diagnosed with "mental illness" in 2005 and put on medication. I was told that I had Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder (I had lost my job due to cutbacks). This is where my med "journey" aka "fresh hell" begins. It is only now that I have chosen to taper my current meds that I realize what was happening in terms of side effects. I feel that I have been treated like a lab rat for 7 years.
Meds I have been on in the past: Paxil, Wellbutrin, Zoloft, Effexor XR, Pristiq, Lamictal (I got the rash, yes I did), Lexapro (just got off that one). I am forgetting some meds but that's ok. I have been on everything except for Prozac. My psychiatrist kept changing the drug if the other wasn`t working so she even had me on Seroquel XR, Zyprexa, Risperdal as "bridge" meds. They caused symptoms of psychosis and I gained 40 lbs. I am no longer on them (thank God) In the beginning when I was first put on Paxil, it seemed harmless enough but then she kept trying different ones.......holding down a job became almost impossible b/c she had me so sedated and comatose. Enter the benzos....Clonazepam, Valium and Ativan. I was also on a sleeping pill: Imovane. With a different doctor's help I got off of the benzos and sleeping pill. The withdrawal was hellish and something I can't soon forget. It has been 2 years "benzo free" for me. My psychiatrist who I thought was trustworthy has proven to be nothing but a pill pusher and I feel so STUPID for letting her medicate me. I was on 5 meds at the same time last year. No wonder my attempt at holding down a job was fruitless!
Currently, I am taking Trazodone but have been tapering my dose. I have been on this med for 4 years. I have gone down from 200mg to 50mg in one month. Last night was my first dose at 50mg. It is very hard and I have no support. My family has "bought" into this madness and think that I am "sick" if I want to go off my meds. I have tried to explain to them that the withdrawals mimic illness but it's no use. I am hiding the symptoms of physical illness from the tapering pretty well but have no one to talk to. I am also on 120mg of Cymbalta which I will tackle eventually but not until the Trazodone is completely out of my system. My problem with the Cymbalta is that it is in capsule form and getting a lower dose capsule is impossible from my current psychiatrist and my family doctor won't "touch" these meds. It is also VERY difficult to find a new psychiatrist to help me and in reality, how do I know they won't try to increase the dose! I'm scared.
I find that meditation is helping me and staying very quiet in my room when I can. My sleep is out of whack so I am up alot of the night. I am having nightmares when I do sleep. I find that everything I hear is very loud and irritating to me. I am also very nauseated and my head feels like it is blowing up. I know that this is withdrawal and I refuse to give up. I have been reading this forum for a week but haven't had it in me to register and post until now. I won't keep a paper journal in case someone finds it. Please don't get me wrong, my family loves me but they don't understand and I feel stigmatized. I am keeping a positive outlook because I KNOW that I can do this. Sorry for the long post. It is a relief to find you and know that I am truly not alone. I am SO thankful to have found you. :)
Liz
Welcome among us on IAWP, Elizabeth!
