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Thread: I'm here... Davka

  1. #1
    Junior Member Davka's Avatar
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    I'm here... Davka

    Hi, all. I'm TryingtoGetWell (TTGW) from PP, and the founders of this group are my old friends from way back. I love them dearly but I've been increasingly burnt-out on posting and correspondence so have read here sporadically but didn't join until recent weeks and even then didn't post until now.

    I've been noticing more and more that people I correspond with privately are here now, and I'm really getting confused what general information (not discussions about private or personal matters, of course) I've told to whom in private correspondence, so figured I might keep things straight better by posting those general discussion-type things re w/d here rather than wonder "Did I tell that to _________ or was it to _______?" and generally screw up less. (I more than fulfill my quota of screwing up in my personal life lol.)

    And we'll get feedback that way, plus hey, I miss my old friends. (To those I correspond with - We can still discuss personal matters privately and I never reveal a confidence, just as I expect others to respect my privacy.)

    For those who aren't familiar with me (and for those who are but have better things to think about than my med history!), I have a med history that is one for the Guiness Book of World Records in some ways. I'm remembering more and more of it than I've ever posted about but which I increasingly have reason to believe are relevant to what I've experienced. And I'm probably not even remembering most of the meds, much less all the names of meds they took off the market years ago. Much less the medical conditions that I've either come to accept and not think about, or which have resolved and I don't think about anymore.

    So I'll create a signature when I can and try to keep it concise enough not to crash the server lol. In a nutshell, I've had medical problems, including some chronic conditions, since childhood (over 50 years since my health changed dramatically, with more conditions developing subsequently at various times).

    I've been on one benzo or another for about 35 years as a last-resort anticonvulsant for epilepsy after other anticonvulsants either caused bad adverse reactions or just didn't work on my unusual type of epilepsy. During this approx 35 years I did numerous cold switches and brief c/t's thinking that doctors knew everything about meds and believing that I was getting worse. (I also had been on courses of benzos for severe muscle spasms from incapacitating back problems at times, etc. even before that.)

    I was put on paxil the year it came out to address problems from a warp-speed taper off a truckload of xanax and another benzo. Doctors said ithis new med would "rebalance my neurotransmitters" from the benzo problems. (And that by its nature couldn't possibly be addictive.) Live and learn...

    I then went off paxil 13 years later (after developing incapacitating side effects during the latter years on paxil) after an approximately 6-week taper of large drops in dose (that latter is significant, as I'll explain when time permits; don't hold your breath lol), and found myself living (not watching) a horror movie to end all horror movies. (Although my worst symptom being severe derealization, it did feel a bit like I was watching as well as living a movie.)

    I'm seven years off paxil and for at least several years largely recovered now though still a few residual symptoms I can live with. I'm still on the 0.5 mg. clonazepam (klonopin) that was the last step of that old benzo taper back in the Pleistocene era.

    In recent years I have been able to enjoy things again (and appreciate them like never before!) and have been doing so whenever possible. I do still have my original chronic medical conditions that limit me, and also have been dealing with some unexpected "God Said 'Ha!" (name of a play I haven't seen, but great title) life issues that have taken a great deal of my time and mental energies, not to mention causing my head to spin like the character in the movie Beetlejuice (something I also haven't seen, but saw the commercials and trailers). (I seem to be very knowledgeable about things I haven't seen or read lol. But I've been on a movie-going binge recently when time and circumstances have permitted, so making up for lost time, or more accurately, not getting further behind.)

    Back to w/d - When I was too sick between w/d and also other medical conditions to do much (and often too sick to read books or even watch television), I've done a lot of reading on many websites and forums about w/d from various meds. I'll be honest - I'm long burnt-out on it and limiting my posting everywhere, or trying to. But for a long time have been thinking there must be better ways to do things and when too tired to do other things, have been focusing on reading things that pertain to that. It's my main area of interest right now and has been for some time. I will also be posting some thoughts from time to time, probably in this thread, about sundry thoughts I've had about w/d and related matters, if people are interested. (If not, no problem. More time to go to movies!)

    I don't have any magic answers, but I am finding some people who have also been thinking along the lines I've been leaning toward, and have learned and am still learning some things that may help others. I can only speak for what I'm knowledgeable about, but hopefully some of the things I've done will help others. And I certainly have learned a lot of what doesn't work for some or even most people, though I keep becoming more and more aware that everyone's responses can be different in almost everything. So there are very few things I post as absolute fact. I've learned to say "in my experience" or "from what I've read frequently over countless years" etc. in posts and wish more people would do that in w/d groups. I see more and more unfortunate advice posted as concrete fact to newbies in most w/d groups - sometimes that advice is helpful and sometimes it is bad or disastrous. Writing qualifying statements makes for crappy writing, and I hate crappy writing, but that is what I'm trying to remember to do. When you read my posts, live with it (or don't read them, which is absolutely OK!)

    As for my name (Davka) here --

    It has about as many meanings as it has people who use the word. (It's a Hebrew word derived from Aramaic indirectly via Yiddish and through my travels through various multiverses via my beloved Tardis. The latter is a joke [or not!] that my old "partners in crime" from PP will understand lol.) Anyway, it took "the scenic route" in terms of what it means, but I use it for its loose translation (none of its numerous meanings is directly translatable to English!) of "In spite of everything."

    Hence the title of this introductory thread. I'm here... davka.

    P.S. By sheer coincidence, when I was writing this thread today to introduce myself even though I'd registered with this user name a while back, I wanted to double-check one fact about the word "davka," and when googling found that davka is the "word of the day" today in the newspaper Haaretz. I don't even read Haaretz and never had any possible reason to even think about whether it had a website. Certainly didn't know when I signed up here about a month ago that it would be the word of the day today! (So please don't ask me for winning lottery numbers lol) But... Hi, Sheila!

    (Sheila loves synchronicity.)

  2. #2
    Junior Member Davka's Avatar
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    Well, the article wasn't from today. It was an archived article which for some reason they posted on today's page with today's post on the top of the page. wtf???

    Can't believe everything you read on the internet lol.

    Onward and upward... or whatever...

  3. #3
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    Welcome, TTGW!!! Finally. I know youve been wanting to join IAWP for some time and very happy you finally did! What a great introduction post. Im very happy to see you here :-)

  4. #4
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    me too. xx
    Put on citalopram July 2009 during a physical illness - didnt need it. 40mg
    went down to 20mg July 2010 CT in Jan 2012 - 2.5 years on.
    Tried to restart July 2012 due to 1 panic attack (never had one before - start of CT W/D) - adverse reaction
    Down to 1.5mg from the failed RI
    Now at 0.48 and trying to stabalize - been 6 weeks
    now have SEVERE anxiety, akathsia, feel like Im on acid 24/7 depression, D/P, signed off work. Scared of everything..please God let me heal from this

  5. #5
    Founder Luc's Avatar
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    Smile

    The Introductory Post of the Millenium... Hey!!!! TTGW! So Googolplexily Meltobrainly Great is to see you here. The number of words that wouldn't be able to express this joyful feeling of seeing you here (because it's SO joyful) is expressed by the second and third words of the fourth sentence of this post.

    Welcome to IAWP, Davka!

    Last edited by Luc; 06-07-2013 at 09:25 AM.
    Keep walking. Just keep walking.

  6. #6
    Dutch Café Moderator Claudius's Avatar
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    Hi TTGW, we know each other but have not talked since a long time. Glad to see you here!
    Recovering from the ravages of withdrawal after 5 years on Paxil/Seroxat, originally prescribed for stress and, looking backward, PTSS.
    Though it is hardly possible to get something positive from the utter hell of repeated c/t's and protracted w/d, all of this unnecessary, I still believe in the possiblity to emerge from this as a healed, wiser human being.
    All we need is just a little patience - Guns N' Roses

  7. #7
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    isnt it great? we LOVE davka, shes the best. xx and she has so often told me that she wanted to join because she loved the people on this site so much! im sure she will be of amazing help to everyone
    Put on citalopram July 2009 during a physical illness - didnt need it. 40mg
    went down to 20mg July 2010 CT in Jan 2012 - 2.5 years on.
    Tried to restart July 2012 due to 1 panic attack (never had one before - start of CT W/D) - adverse reaction
    Down to 1.5mg from the failed RI
    Now at 0.48 and trying to stabalize - been 6 weeks
    now have SEVERE anxiety, akathsia, feel like Im on acid 24/7 depression, D/P, signed off work. Scared of everything..please God let me heal from this

  8. #8
    Senior Member Moui's Avatar
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    Hi!
    I remember reading some of your posts on PP and was very impressed by the in-depth discussions you had with someone and obvious effort you put into understanding their situation. Sorry to hear it took it's toll.. maybe you can learn to take it easier on yourself as well and accept some crappy writing. If I always listened to my inner critique I would probably only post "it will get better" or "we will all heal". I go through a process of having a thought in my native language, translating it to english, realizing I lack vocabulary or structure and having to find another expression and ending up 'sort of in the original ballpark' :). Nevertheless I would love to hear your thoughts (and might just go digging through old posts) on many things. Including derealization, which was in WD my first and among the most chronic symptom for the whole year I was off. I do have some views and thoughts about it but am curious to hear more. But not at the expense of anyones mental energy or wellbeing.

    Glad to hear you're doing better. It's inspiring with your med history.

    Edit: Oh.. I don't think I've done an introduction either. I just lurked here for a while and then started posting, lol.
    Acceptance. Time. Habit.

  9. #9
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    moui, do an introduction, I want to post to you but dont want to hyjack this super duper thread
    Put on citalopram July 2009 during a physical illness - didnt need it. 40mg
    went down to 20mg July 2010 CT in Jan 2012 - 2.5 years on.
    Tried to restart July 2012 due to 1 panic attack (never had one before - start of CT W/D) - adverse reaction
    Down to 1.5mg from the failed RI
    Now at 0.48 and trying to stabalize - been 6 weeks
    now have SEVERE anxiety, akathsia, feel like Im on acid 24/7 depression, D/P, signed off work. Scared of everything..please God let me heal from this

  10. #10
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    TTGW, IAWP welcome.

    I have followed your posts in PP, though rarely in PP wrote,, I read a lot in PP . I learned a lot through reading your posts, I gather that he is a intelligent, straightforward and very sensible. I loved reading the messages people were headed in WD.
    I take this forum to say thanks. The advice that offering wisely to others, also came to me, and probably many more people.
    (I would like to express my feelings better, but ... the language is a barrier to my,lol)

    A big hug
    Mar/2009 (diacepam+nortriptilina).Aprl-2010 (sulpiride+diacepam). May-2010:Tranxene 20 mg+SEROXAT 20mg
    TAPER BENZO:Apr-2011 20-10mg.; Sep-Nov -2011 taper 10 a 0mg. BENZO FREE 06/11/2011
    TAPER SEROXAT: jul-ago-11: de 20 a 10 mg; Dic-11/jan-10-5mg;Apr-sep-12 5-0mg . SEROXAT FREE: 15/09/2012
    Internal tremor, brain fog, memory, lack of concentration, anxiety. Problem original: Stress

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