I wasn’t anxiety ridden or depressed. For thirty-four years I was always feeling full of life and happy, excited about new adventures and what was around the bend. My normal every day life problems that each and every one of us goes through were just that… normal. Looking back, MY LIFE WAS AWSOME!
In September 2010 I moved and took on a new job. I had an anxiety at a meeting on the new job. (The feeling I was trapped kind of or I would pass out feeling and I had to “step-out”. Well I went to the doctor said hey doc, can you help me with this I need to be top notch on the job… I thought maybe just a relaxer of some sort would be just the thing to help me out, it didn’t seem serious. Well he prescribed Celexa (citalapram). I took it and didn’t realize it until now that it was the worst mistake of my life. Ok, I’m getting ahead of myself.
I took the med. First night I had a crazy dream that I woke from… I really didn’t think too much about it and just dismissed it. Honestly I can’t really remember if I took the med for a week or a month, but I decided this is ridiculous I really didn’t need it. So I stopped (cold turkey). Then about six months later I was in a lot of stress and thought … oh the citalopram will help (forgetting about the strange dreams it had given me) that’s what it’s supposed to do right? So I started taking it again for about another month but stopped. The stressful situation took care of itself, as they always have.
Ok so fast-forward to March 2012. That night I had a couple glasses of wine and decided I was “blue” and thought… oh the meds my doc gave me are in there… they are supposed to help with that so I took one. TURNING POINT OF MY LIFE. BOOOM That is the night that my world turned into a raging storm, it destructed and left me with pieces to pick up. I still don’t know if it would be considered an adverse reaction to the meds or maybe WD, not sure.
HOWEVER I DO KNOW FROM EXPERIENCE…. IT IS NOT SAFE TO TAKE SSRI’s WITH ALCOHOL. The bottle said “alcohol may intensify drowsiness” What is should have said is, THIS MEDICINE WILL GIVE YOU ONE BADDDDDD TRIP IF YOU TAKE IT WITH ALCOHOL and then have some pretty little picture of a skull and cross bones on the bottle. (yeah that bad).
That night in March 2012 was the beginning of my 7 month nightmare…. And counting. If anyone is reading this….. please I beg of you not to take citalopram or SSRI’s for those moments you just need to relax naturally and things will heal themselves in time…. There are natural ways of dealing with normal stress and feeling down. Talk to someone, get a different perspective in life, count your blessing, exercise, read a good book, laugh with friends, go out in nature.
In a way looking back I was using the citalopram “on as-needed basis” for stressful times (stressful but STILL NORMAL). Was I asking for it? Ohhhhh yeahhhh. But I didn’t know. I didn’t know what I was doing to myself, I didn’t know that I was causing myself HARM by taking the citalopram and that it would create a REAL PROBLEM.
Now I know… because I am in the consequence stage and have spent the last 7 months trying to recover from the reaction I had to the meds. REGRETS… OHHH THE REGRETS. I took something beautiful and made it dysfunctional. Before all this I was a motivational young woman who made it through 7 years of college successfully and with honors (all the while working full time), did a study abroad in Europe, raised a happy and healthy son for 13 years (yes he’s still happy and healthy), was the bread winner, the super-mom, the go to person for answers to legal questions, the friend that was super fun and always upbeat energetic and loved life and had a happy balance with all that it had to offer…. And it was all medicine free.
Ok, so what happened to me that night? I had two glasses of wine and then took (1) 20 mg celexa (medicine that I hadn’t used in six months or longer). I suffered a MAJOR PANIC ATTACK/ MELT DOWN, called poison control several times thinking I had OD from (2) glasses of wine and (1) 20mg Celexa. I was shaking (trembling), having hot cold flashes, racing thoughts, uncontrollable FEAR, thought I was dying, went into shear panic mode, nausea, could not sleep AT ALL…. And much more.
GOOD BYE OLD SELF, HELLO NEW NOT-GOOD SELF. Next day, felt like death but still thought, this will all be ok and I’m definitely NOT taking that crap again. Well… it wasn’t ok… two days in to it still feeling like death and I ran to the doctor asking him “when is this going to go away” when will the side effects end? He told me the medicine should already be out of my system and that it was “me” and that I should start taking the meds again because I would not get better on my own. I refused! Duhhhh, those meds just made me have a severely bad reaction and was still suffering. Never had I felt like that before and I knew that I had suffered a reaction to the meds mixed with the alcohol. So I decided to wait it out.
Well things got worse. For two weeks I had severe insomnia, racing thoughts, had developed the fear of my bed (I’ve never been afraid of my bed!!!! Ever!!!), when I did sleep I had horrible nightmares, couldn’t eat, had severe panic attacks, stayed in a constant highly anxious state, uncontrollable crying spells among other things, felt like I couldn’t find not one ounce of peace… couldn’t sit down, could stand up, couldn’t watch a movie to take my mind off things, couldn’t nap, couldn’t rest, the stamina to work a normal day had left me, the normal work day that I usually breezed through was no unbearable. I was afraid I had gone STRAIGHT JACKET CRAZY. Couldn’t do normal tasks that I used to juggle with others before. The agony!
So I ran to a therapist told her about the reaction I had to the medicine…. And asked is this EVER going to get better?… Did I ruin myself for all eternity? What is happening to me? What do I do? When will this get better? She recommended therapy and medicine (because with both better chances of getting better). Keep in mind I was functioning quite well in life “before” the event happened so when the reaction hit I was blown away and this was the first time I had ever sought out a therapist.
Ok, so I was NOT getting better and completely desperate to feel normal again…. So I … went back on the Celexa for a month. Oh, and klonipin was also added to the mix, which I wouldn’t take because I was afraid to. It did not help at all and in fact was making my nightmares come back and the anxiety worse. Oh, and I should mention the fact that I threw up every day and lost 20 lbs in one month. Alrighty then…. I decided that I was in fact in hell and things were never going to get better.
This painfully true story does not end there. After the month of taking it again, during which time I was still having all the symptoms…. decided it was not working and to taper off of the citalopram (quickly). My last dose of citalopram was April 2012 about six months ago.
Since that time I have been in complete agony going through a process of recovering from the damage of the night in March 2012. I threw up for months on end, irrational thoughts, uncontrollable fear, loosing the will to go on but having to push through. First it was terror and serve anxiety, now it seems to be more depression that has set inset in suicidal thoughts and hopelessness.
October 6, 2012 (7 months since “D-Day”, I will call it) I am actually doing better with the suicidal thoughts and the panic attacks are much better than they were. My fear of my bed and closing my eyes (which I never had before celexa) thinking that I will never awake again is gone. I do go to work, however difficult it may be, I GO! I have no choice since I am a single mom and have no other options. My mornings are still hellish in that the anxiety still tends to wake me with that feeling of just having so much nervous energy I want to jump off a cliff, but as I get going it gets better for the day. I spend most of my day trying to make it through work and when I get home I spend most of my time on the internet trying to research more things that will help me. Oh yeahh, that’s exactly how I want to spend my time (sarcasm). I am saddened that this once lovely creature that God made, this once energetic and fun loving mother who always had time for her son and had so many great adventures together just loving life, is now running away to find moments of peace and feeling really guilty that I can’t do the things I used to do with my child. We used to travel, go on day trips, go shopping, go to the movies, have popcorn and laugh, go skiing, go to the beach. Now I am just a shell, a fragile shell worrying whether I can ever live like that again. If I had a dollar for every time I have thought “ohh God, if I can just go back, back to the night before it happened and NOT have taken that citalopram with those 2 glasses of wine”
Any suggestions?
Originally Posted by m&m
