Dr David Healy

[Sheila]

I was thinking after I logged off yesterday….hmmm….Caroline….running a nursing home….I bet she wouldn’t allow the patients to be drugged to the gills. Hmm….maybe this is her destiny…..And others will study how she does it….and she will start a new model. Like the Finnish group….

Ha ha! What ho! Keep calm and carry on! Pip pip! When you feel better, you have a great sense of humor.

And, ha ha! I would be disoriented if I didn’t have my Iggy consultation every day. And, let’s not forget that we know that a lot of people feel the same way you do, and feel that you express what they cannot. When they see you struggle with the situation or see someone try to offer you help, they benefit vicariously.

Your dream of your future seems eminently doable.

The daily anxiety rhythm could have to do with your cortisol (or other) biorhythm or with something that happens in your day at a certain time.

[Sheila]

Moui --

[alex]

didnt sleep, cant belive it, mild akathisia and I dont know what, racing thoughts maybe, got to sleep at around 5 and slept until Fred woke us up at 7, then slept again from 8 till 10.30, poo

I've learned that symptoms in this crazy process are so umpredictable; you didn't sleep, but akathisia is SLOWLY getting better;you have to treasure that.Even if it comes back.It's starting to "brake up". Have faith.I have it; it's not easy, I am almost 60 yrs old...but one thing is for sure, very very painfully and slowly, I AM GETTING BETTER.

[shel]

Am so happy for you that the akathisia has faded the last couple of days. I know you are struggling with other symptoms but this is such good news you haven't the awful akathisia to contend with. I think it is a good sign that your symptoms are changing, although that is also hard to deal with as it is so unpredictable. But perhaps the change is a sign of the braining healing in certain areas.

Thinking about you,
Michele

[Iggy131313]

yes sheila, it musy be my bodys rythum, its never related to what Im doing as it happnes this way on weekday, weekends, at home, whilst out....i hate it

today I have been crying becasue the akathisia is back...I went to pick Freddie up from school with high free floating anxiety nad MASSIVE brain fog, feel like Im tripping as always.....then I walked down to the supermarket with him, the akathisia came on whilst I was walking and lasted, about an hour, it seems to have backed off a littl bit now but that could be because I cried alot when I got home, no doubt it will come back.

Do you really think I can recover? I cannot possibly see this ending, I just cannot see it, its too severe, too relentless, I dont unerstand how it would stop....well at least I know now that when the akathisia is not there its no longer the valium stopping it, been nearly a week now.

why do I feel so hopeless? why do I feel so horrific? why has this happened to me, was I bad person, do I deserve this torment? and even if I was, isnt a year long enough for severe suffering, couldnt it pull back just a little bit, I see others having windows and I do not, its not fair, I want to die, but I cant because of Freddie and then I cry because the only way out (death) isnt even an option because I cant bear to think of him asking for me and me not being there....but if it stays like this for years then I dont know if I can do it, people ssay I will heal...but why should I heal where others have not? I have no indication of healing happening, nothing.

[Iggy131313]

thanks shel, I try to think that its good that things are always changing, but I cant cope, i really am finding this far too difficult to take, I wake up in the morning and IMMEDIETLY start to try to calm myself saying, not long till I can go to bed, today will be over soon, its going to be ok, but of course, its not ok, and I dont know if it will be

[Iggy131313]

yes if I ever recover I would have the most loving med free nursing home in the world, in fact by the time I ever bloody recover you can all come and live there, seems about right time wise lol

6pm, still no return of the akathisia, is this a good sign?

[Iggy131313]

loving this quote off the internet

Citalopram may cause a mild and transient discontinuation syndrome

oh yes, mild and transient, thats me! F****** hell!!!

so anyway I feel like talking, mainly because I dont have akathisia, and so am feeling a little lighter, also my brain fog is perhaps only a 5/10 instead of a 9....sooooooo, Freddies sports day has been cancelled tomorrow, becasue of the rain, god bless the English Summer...next week there is a heat wave, maybe its moving over from sheilas direction, im hoping beyond stupid hopes that I may feel a little more stable by then, lol, I know one week is gonna make a massive difference im sure....

so Freds sports day will be next week in the sun, there is a mums race, I was smiling to myself imagining me taking part, yes I may win because I would be trying to outrun the akathisia, however the sight of me jerking crying, twitching, howling and having a panic attack on the side lines may be a little too much for the other mums to handle, I mean, they already think Im nutso, and they are 100% correct!

when I think back to march when I had that window, (which I now put down to small amounts of cannabis and threfore not a window at all, I was just increasing my poor depleted dopamine and it must have made me feel better, not trying that again) I went from head down, no makeup not speaking to anyone, to me, the real me, trying to catch the other mums eyes to start up a conversation, taking the p*** out of them and making jokes, full makeup, hair done, nice clothes (at the moment and before I tend to just wear my jeans (flared of course Im a 60s throwback) and one of my hubbys jumpers, greasy hair just tied back in a plait down my back, ah to be that person again, not in this lifetime I dont think.

anyway Im rambling on, but im not threatening suicide, so thats a plus point, still wish I was dead, but not going to act on it today, i am always suicidal but I go from NEED TO DIE NOW torture, usually caused by akathisia.....to depressed and sad and scared I want to die....right now, its only the latter.

Today I filled in a form for diability benefit, it says I may have to have a face to face inerveiw, I have been honest on it and blamed it all on the drugs, I know they wont believe a word, but at least I have my diagnosis from Davis Healy so Im hoping that will go in my favor, I stop getting paid at the end of next month and we then have no income at all, so I need this benefit.

My mum will be back in 4 weeks, she has gone back as my brother and his girlfriend are visiting, and she needs to come back for when hubby and Freddie go to Italy on holiday in August, I can hardly bear to think of it.

[Iggy131313]

when I first had this adverse reaction the olympics were just starting here, I remember watching the opening ceremony feeling like, well, like this, and saying to my hubby ;I will feel better when the olympics have finished wont I''

the Dr was at this point saying it was just severe side effects etc....

Now I wonder if I will feel any better by the time the NEXT olympics are finished....but all that time I was imagining the holiday in Italy, and thinking that at least I KNEW i would be better by then, if I had known then that I would feeling exactly the same, possibly worse, well, Im glad I didnt know.

It will be very painful for me to miss the second holiday with my family, my sister in laws wedding, it was going to be the holiday of a lifetime, still will be for those going, the most beautiful villa in Italy, all the family, a wedding, all the kids, happy times, happy times without me, I will be at home with my mum missing Freddie and feeling like this. sad.

[ABM]

Caroline, when you are sad, remember matt samet ( I read in fb that you said that he was your idol) !!! :-)