Dr David Healy

[Iggy131313]

8.30pm - nope, I thought it was going to settle but it hasnt and its STILL there, god help me I would do ANYTHING to make this feeling stop.....

[Iggy131313]

9.45 still here, and Im crying my heart out

[Sheila]

m&m – That is a very sweet song! Sometimes I feel people start to think of me. It’s a new thing for me. Sometimes it feels like someone – either here or in spirit has just started sending me help.

[Sheila]

Iggalina -- I’m sure the PMS was contributing to making this so bad. I had a terrible time every freaking month with the PMS exacerbating w/d.

I would say the very worst time of my life was the first year and a half post-taper. But, I had a different pattern than you, and your post-taper may be better than your taper.

Akathisia cannot be permanent. The brain is neuroplastic and is *always* responding to the help we give it. Your mother will be there soon. And I think you will get healing from the Omega-3.

There are so many ways for you to heal, that it's inevitable. And "them what has, gets" -- once you start getting any healing benefit from anything, it becomes possible to do other things that will benefit you.

[Iggy131313]

well I 2am I had to do something and took a 5mg valium....it knowcked me ot but now its the morning I have to cope with the after effects of taking it...I always get really shaky the day after taking one and have a kind of valium hangover...I so didnt want to wake up today I was trying to force myself back to sleep - back into oblivion, I really cant cope Im starting to think I need to try different drugs but Im so scared of them, but Im in danger of killing myself I just cannot cope with this hell day in and day out.

m&m - thanks for the song and your thoughts, I missed that last night

sheila - thamks again for the support, i will try the omega 3 but I cant see it helping, I dont think its possible for me to recover now, not when its this bad

[Iggy131313]

I have come to hide in the bedroom, Im not getting up today, I want to die so so badly, I dont know what to do, yes myy mum is coming but she cant make it stop, she cant make the feelings go away....I look at all the poeple suffering so badly after so many years and relate so much to their story, I KNOW I am going to be one of those people and I dont want that life...I want to recover from this, I want the pain to stop, I would do anyhting, ANTHING to make the pain stop

[Iggy131313]

well its 8.30pm and I havent had the inner restlessness today....that could be for 2 reasons

1) I took that valium last night
2) I have been in bed all day

now I have been suicidally depressed and that I think is the valium....it always has this effect on me afterwards, Im not sure why I dont have the inner restlessness, although by mentioning it now I can feel an echo of it...because it scres me so much I think that revs my system up...

could it be that when I am 'living my life' (another bad BAD joke) and am downstairs interacting with family etc that its just so stimulating that my cns gets revved up and brings on the IR?

Im sick of trying tofigure it all out, I go from thinking I need to drop off this dose, to thinkking I need to do a 2 month hold, to just killing myself and ending it all now,

[Sheila]

That’s really good you recognize that the valium causes you a severe hangover at this time and contributes to suicidality.

You depressed your system with the valium. That’s probably why you don’t have the restlessness right now.

You simply cannot trust your assessment of anything right now. Pretend that you are being held in a prison camp and are being force fed a psychedelic drug, and you can’t tell a fencepost from a tiger. You just have to wait for the International Red Cross to get there and get you out, and then you’ll detox.

That’s a good metaphor for you right now. You cannot trust your assessment of anything.

For example, you really do not grasp how people in long-term w/d are feeling. It is nothing like what you are feeling now. We are battle weary, we feel sick, etc. But not one of us would say we are in the early w/d catastrophic hell 24/7 for weeks on end like you are.

And you’re simply wrong about dismissing the possibility of many things changing your feelings – your mother coming, the slightest turn of the w/d Rubik’s cube, etc.

And, personally, I think you’re wrong to put so much emphasis on the RI and any other thing you did re meds. This is simply not that exact a science. It isn’t random either. But, it is an infinitely complex interaction of your physical and psychological history, the meds, your current life situation, and other forces we can only guess at.

You do not need to be able to figure this out in order to get well. You have the benefit of a huge body of prior experience. You know what you have to do – taper off the meds, take great care of yourself, cultivate your life force. And you will get well.

I know you’re scared out of your mind. I know what that feels like. You just have to survive right now. A lot of the healing will happen all by itself.

[Iggy131313]

thanks sheila, but what should I do, hold? continue to taper?

your so kind to me, and I do ofetn imagine myself as a POW...It certainly feels that way and I am being tortured, the question is will the red cross come...do they even know Im here?

Mike thinks genetics play a big part in whether you get w/d and how/when you recover from it, do you think genetics may play a part in it to?

yes I think the valium has helped with the IR, but thats not good is it? will it ever go away by itself?

[Iggy131313]

its getting to me how much things change all the time...at the moment my anxiety is ok, I have it when I wake up, but it settles down, my heart is still racing and poinding in the morning, but not as strong as last week....my depression is reletivly ok, I am suicidal but that seems logical to me rather than depression induced...I am fearful, very fearful but as you know that centres around whats happening to me now and what the future holds especially with coming off this last bit of poison...

my mAIN symptom at the moment is the inner restlessness/aggitation...its not all day, its very rare that I get it before the afternoon, but it truly is torture, what scres me the most is that it may be a lesser version of whats coming after I get off the drug, what if it turns into full blown akathisia? I couldnt handle it, oh god Im scared...

but the inner restlessness has improved before, I dont know why its back so badly, the cyclical nature yes, and last time that this was my main symptom (dece,ber) it was all day and not just through the afternoon (sometimes evening now)

but you know that...anyway I dropped today, I have taken 0.40 instead of 0.48 that was my comprimise to myself, not jumping off, and I dont want to hold, the longer I hold the longer I trap myself in the mental torture of whats going to happen when I come off, thats why I often want to drop the lot, so I dont have to kill myself worrying about what to do about it, but I know that then I have 5/6 months of waiting to see how bad its gonna get in the worst part..so you all have that to look forward to.