Dr David Healy

[Sheila]

No, I do not think that you screwed yourself by missing doses or multiple CTs. I so don’t think that that I didn’t even pay much attention to it.

Some day, you will look back on this awful time and recognize that you bent every fact to fit your neuro-terror. This is all the w/d talking.

The infection is definitely kicking up your dysautonomia.

You really are going to heal 120% from this. The chemicals are just overwhelming your ability to be realistic about your eventual, inevitable healing or to take in much reassurance from anyone.

[Iggy131313]

thankyou, yes Im sure this chest infection is playing havoc with my heart...

again this morning I woke with terror but with my heart POUNDING and again with more laboured breathing, I know the vahus nerve goes down the chest so Im assuming it has something to do with this...

Im working on pushing away the thoughts of not healing and trying to tell myself that I can worry about not healing when Im 3/4 years off and have had no improvement...right now I MUST belive I will heal....Im not saying Im gonna be able to do this but I am going to try...

Its like David Healy said...the issue is my reassurability, hes spot on there, nothing anyone says can make me belive I will heal, because no one can see into the future, but nor I can say I will not because I also cannot see the future...

but Im still more than terrorfied about it, but for now I guess I have to deal with now.

[Iggy131313]

my mum is coming on friday

[Sheila]

Good job, Iggina. I had similar inconsolable terror in earlier w/d, and I had to decide that even if my worst fears happened, I wanted to live on the off chance that I could still fulfill my dreams. This didn’t make me feel much better. I guess I still wanted to fight for myself. But, it was agony. It does end, though. It doesn’t stay like that.

I’m glad you’ve arranged for your mother to come. I’m so glad she can do it. We just need so much reassurance and security in the depths of this recovery process.

You will absolutely leave this all behind you.

[Iggy131313]

thanks sheila your so kind...its 1am and I have just got up and am eating a peanut butter sandwhich...I have had akathisia all day...not full blown but intense inner restlessness, I walk from room to room trying to find something to help, smoke in the garden, then sit on the sofa, no, too bad, then make a drink, etc etc and finding no relief...crying helps, so have doing alot of that...but its gone off now, went away at about 9.30pm and it started at about 3....just as the terror and brain fog went away lol.

So I am now going to try and belive in healing, its weird though, as soon as I decide to belive in healing then I start to worry about coming off this 0.48, looks like my brain is deirmined to torture me, I wonder what it will be once Im off this....something else no doubt.

Im glad my mums coming, it takes some of the pressure off so that if Im feeling too overwhelmed to take Freddie to bed at night, she will do it for me, (as hubby gets up every morning this is my job) and also things like picking him up from school, I wont feel as vulnerable among the 'normals'.

Im thinking of jumping off this at 0.08 - that would be in september with a taper like this

0.48 )on now)
0.40
0.32
0.24
0.16
0.08

dropping every 3 weeks....I was going to go down to 0.01 but I think I need to face my fears, although i can always change my mind at 0.08 if Im too scared...

So Im aiming for 2 years off the drugs, I will be alot better by then and on my way to recovery...I am imagining that my future self has told me this is a fact, and I will use it as a mantra......2 years off dugs I will be alot better and on my way to full recovery.

I messaged my mum and said that although we had agreed that she neededd to come in august so I wont be alone while hubby and Freddie are on holiday in Italy (there is a flight booked for me, but its nnot realistic, in march I thought I would be able to make it, its my sister in laws wedding and Im devestated to miss it, but the thought of flying to another country is too much, and even if I was in a window when I went, what if I got hit by a major wave while I was there? I would be trapped) that I needed something NOW, so she booked a flight, I feel guilty that shes spending money that they really dont have, but I think she would rather be here with me than have to listen to me beg to be killed, wailing and sobbing down the pohone screaming about how I want and need to die....also strange how I feel guilty about her spending money but will subject her to that, I cant help it though.

has some of yourneuro terror improved sheila?

[Sheila]

Oh, yeah! I am virtually never in that state any more. Maybe occasionally, briefly – like when there is an unusual stressor.

Oh, it’s very common to feel guilty about how our illness affects others. This is an ordeal for the people around us, too. All you can do is try to occasionally be considerate of them when you can, and then later, when you’re healthier, you can make it up to them in some way. But, the other piece of it is that they all *grow* from this ordeal, too. It ends up having a trickle out effect – both in terms of stress and in terms of growth.

I think it’s super that you’re envisioning your future self confidently reassuring you. Good technique.

I do think that *trying* to believe in healing is the right thing to do, a thing that is healthy in itself, and self-respecting, and self-compassionate. Mildly effective in the short run, but builds in power over time.

[Iggy131313]

ok, yes my obssesion has once again changed and its all about coming off this 0.48 - I drive myself crazy i really do...yesterday was a horror show, inner aggitated restlessness came on at 1.30 and lasted forever...it went away at maybe 9.30pm but it was BAD - Pacing, trying to find relief, ugh I hate it so much....its definitly some form of akathisia although not a full blown version...I noticed in my diary that I seem to get it in chunks, then i will have a couple of days off and then it comes back, but yesterday it was just so bad and then by the time it went away I was a sobbing wreck because I had been tortured all day....

in the middle of the night I came on my period....I am hoping that, that is the reason for it getting even worse and perhaps Im due a few days rest from it.....it hasnt hit me yet and its 3.30, but most times it doesnt really start until 4.30/5 - I have read that cortisol rises again at that time in the afternoon? is that right?

I cant help but wonder if the 0.48 is causing the akathisia feelings, or keeping them at bay.....I had full blown akathisia when I had my adverse reaction, I had it for about 3 weeks, also the more intune with my symptoms I become I wonder if what i was calling strong anxiety in the past was this aggitated restlessness or whether things have changed.....my anxiety is better, I have it when I wake up.....of course when I say my anxiety is better, my FREE FLOATING anxiety is better...I have become more anxious about things (and we all know what the nature of my anxiety and obsessions are) but the inn er estlessness is worse....but better than 6 months ago

when I think back to december time, I had the inner restlessness ALL THE TIME it was constant, thats why I had to work off lists of things to do, do this then do that, try to fill the day, oh it was hell....perhaps I am more aware of it now, and how it feels because I do have breaks from it from time to time...

so last month there were 18 days between the last day of my period and the first day of the next.....this month 14 days, 2 weeks between periods! thats crazy and shows how f***ed up my hormones are...

so today I am telling myself that I wont get worse after coming off this tiny bit, or at least I will just keep tapering and see how I feel when I get down to 0.08...

Im praying that the inner R doesnt come and get me today, I need a few days off....all the symptoms are torture....but that one is the worst for physical torture...thats why I think its on the akathisia spectrum, the only think that relives it for a second is lots of crying, and lots of smoking and I am doing both in spades...

Im so glad you dont have the terror constantly sheila, would you say the very worst time was the first 2/3 years?

[m&m]

Just hang on Iggy it's going to be getting better.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ix3507gRe0g

[Iggy131313]

5.30 - oh god I can feel it starting

[Iggy131313]

7pm i think its starting to go down a little....what scares me is that its gonna get worse when I come off, or could taking it be causing it? it was worse (more constant) on higher doses, do you think its possible that as I taper down even lower that itmay improve?

can akathisia be permenant?