Dr David Healy

[Luc]

Fortunately English-speaking people are very tolerant and respectful of our "poor English"

Believe me, Parox, all your Googletranslated posts are very transparent, with even hardly any grammar inconsistencies. If I didn't know you use Google Translate, I'd think you're using your own nice English.

[Sheila]

Iggalita – I feel absolutely certain that you will recover 110%. Maybe 120%. You will not only be back to normal, but you will have more wisdom, intelligence, happiness, maturity, insight, and clarity than before.

[Iggy131313]

oh dear, Im back to searching the net for methods of suicide, now Im thinking of overdosing on TCAs, before this it was a heroin overdose and before that putting a bag over my head with helium...

maybe its because Im reading too many stories again of people who have not healed, and Im so SO sure that I will not, perhaps if I was off the drug then I wouldnt feel this way but the fact that its all going to happen again but WORSE, WORSE THAN THIS doesnt make me feel strong...how can carry on when I know whats waiting for me? a slow taper off this 0.48mg (which I dropped to today from 0.56) by the time im off this small amount I will have been suffering for 18 months, probably more, and then I have to go into withdrawal with a supersensitive system that has been way WAY kindled, then Im looking at YEARS AND YEARS of torment with no guatentee I will ever recover, the question is, and its a very real question...

do I want that life?

I start to think that I should have killed myself months ago and saved mryself all this suffering, 4 weeks of being able to function, thats all I have had and in trith I cant take anymore, not when I know that even worse is waiting for me...who would want that life, THIS life.

Im back to hiding in the bedroom again, I got up today and tried, I eally did but I couldnt handle it, so I had to come back and hide again, Im depressed, worn out by the fear and the terror and the trauma and the horrific future thats in store for me. Im one of the owrst cases and thats not a great place to be, and thats NOW without the added trauma of yet again coming off this drug, I cant possibly do it, I dont want to do it, life is more painful than I can say, Im disgusted with myself that Im right back where I was hiding and ruminating and looking at how to kill myself, Im a total disgrace and I should die, I pray to die, I long to die so much.

honestly, if someone said to me now, you will recover in 7 years or you can die tonight, Id take the death, every night I go to bed and cry because I know what I have to face again in the morning, and all day...and thats NOW!! THE FUTURE IS EVEN WORSE

At least most people in my position could think ''well I have 10 months healing done, maybe I will turn a corner at the year mark or 18 months'' but I cant think that, all I have is 10 months of suffering and not 1 day of recovery.

please god let me just go to sleep and never wake up, I dont want this life, death would be such a mercy and I would run to it and welcome it like an old friend. please god let me die let me die

[Sheila]

I think the worst symptom for you is the utter conviction that you are doomed. We’re not just talking about a lack of hope here. We’re talking about utter conviction to the contrary.

I know you feel bad about not having more faith, but let’s treat this conviction of doom as a w/d symptom and problem-solve how to deal with it.

First of all, you can hold suicide in reserve as an option. I think it’s a good thing that all human being have the option of killing themselves – it’s part of our autonomy and freedom. But, it’s really not a good thing for you to spend time researching it now. It’s very much like having a lot of alcohol to drink. It’s tempting, and relieving in the short run, but it’s bad for your w/d and will make it worse.

Now, this conviction of doom is essentially a neuro-terror/despair. You *think* it’s justified, but it’s not. It’s completely the result of the chemical disarray in your body. As evidence of this, notice that when you felt better for four weeks, you didn’t have this utter conviction that you do now.

Now, I’ve been there with a different neuro-terror of my own. And it only helps a little bit to try to remember it’s probably not the truth. But, it does help, and *this* is what you have to put your considerable energy and drive into. I said to myself all day every day “You can’t trust your assessment of your past, present, or future right now. You just have to wait. You simply cannot trust your feelings right now. All the things you fear cannot possibly happen – some of them are mutually exclusive!”

All day, every day. That’s your mission, should you choose to accept it. ;)

[Iggy131313]

of course I didnt feel this wasy when I felt better, because I felt better, and although I was still scared of what might happen when I came off and knew it could all go bad again, I had hope...but now, feeling like this, with ni fight left and yes the utter conviction that I am doomed..because I cant see how I can possibly not be.

I understand that I cant trust my perception of things, but in my case the things are fear are likely, almost definate, thats the rub of it....how can I tell myself that these things are not likely when they are? and your right, I am free to take my own life if I wish, that is my right, and Im pretty sure that its gonna happen, its just a matter of when, so I think why wait? why suffer for more mnths and years only to do it later?

I hate myself, I hate my 'so called' life that is nothing but pain and suffering and dispair.

[Iggy131313]

honestly I would not feel this doomed if I wasnt still on the damn drug, but the fact that when I come off things are going to be even worse, I cant see how I am any different to heyk and he has never recoivered, o god oh god, someone please PLEASE help me

[m&m]

You may not want life at the moment, but I promise you that you will want life when all this gets better. And it will.

And what's this stuff about this condition being definite? That's not true Iggy. Sheila speaks good reason here, you are having an awful wave and can't trust the way you feel right now.

[Iggy131313]

m&m, so so people who have had it as bad as me have never recivered, never, and Ive still got to come off this stuff and Im so scared, I cant cope with it anymore, I so strongly want to die and let it all end, noone and nothing can help me and Im so lost and scared, I want to die

[Needinghelp]

I read your posts and i can relate 100% Iggy, 100%. I see myself in your posts. I so badly wish we didnt have to feel this way :'(

People do recover, i keep telling myself that, look how bad TTGW was, she was really really bad, frighteningly bad, and shes ok now. Look at Challenge, he was really bad too and is 100% recovered, Shea, Nolex, Sunny all of them fine now.

We must just keep faith we will get though this. You had a whole 4 week window! That is really very good.

[Iggy131313]

yes but Im still tapering off this, and things are going to get worse, Im not even on day 1 of my recovery and things are going to get worse for me. I wish I was in your position 10 months of suffering but it all COUNTS towards your healing, I have been this way for 10 months and its all for nothing, and that window I had is now so distant, its like I didnt happen, and it doesnt count for anything becaue Im not even off the drugs, oh god help me