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Thread: Dr David Healy

  1. #101
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    Sheila - thanks, yes it IS torture, so cruel, I dont know what to do, I supose all I can do is hang on through each long day and pray...BUT there are still some things that I think are better overall...like a baseline better...

    Im sleeping a more regular pattern ie - go to bed at 11pm sleep through until 10am - so still getting good long, good quality sleep...BUT I think Im now able to do this becasue my evenings are much better, before, the only respite I got from the pain was maybe from 11pm or later until the early hours of the morning, now Im kinda ok from around 7pm, I can watch TV, and distract myself really well, sometimes I feel good! when this wave hit, there was perhaps a week or 10 days that my evenings were hell again, but I am now back to feeling ok in the evenings, even when the days are hell.

    I havent had anhedonia for a while, perhaps 2 months, the only reason I cant enjoy things is a byproduct of the anxiety and inner restlessness but my ambition and desire is there, its just I cant ACT on those things as Im so sick.

    so they are overall imporvements arnt they?

    as for the self harm, it wasnt too too bad, I just got to an unbearable point and beat myself, hitting and slapping myself as hard as I could in my face, it scared my hubby ALOT and thats what led to his family trying to have me sectioned, but I lost control, I needed to do something and it was that or scream and my son was in the house so I couldnt scream outloud, also I have the feeling that If I started screaming I would never be able to stop.

    Luc - thanks for that graph, yes it makes sense, I keep a daily rating of how Im doing and chart it on a graph for the month, I also do one for the months but I have only just started that one, for April I have gone from a 2 st the beginning of the month to a 5.5 recently, this is based pure;ly on symptoms, and I have to say that 2 was when I was screaming to die and unable to move so most people would put that as a 0 BUT Im so scared that if I gave it a 0 it would get worse and prove that it could be worse so I score higher so I dont tempt fate.

    Ive only self harmed like this twice in the past 10 months and thats pretty good going, to be honest I think that if I cut myself my family would panic and hand me over to the mental health services, I know shea cut herself alot and I totally understand.

    thanks for all the support guys, its so easy to lose hope/
    Put on citalopram July 2009 during a physical illness - didnt need it. 40mg
    went down to 20mg July 2010 CT in Jan 2012 - 2.5 years on.
    Tried to restart July 2012 due to 1 panic attack (never had one before - start of CT W/D) - adverse reaction
    Down to 1.5mg from the failed RI
    Now at 0.48 and trying to stabalize - been 6 weeks
    now have SEVERE anxiety, akathsia, feel like Im on acid 24/7 depression, D/P, signed off work. Scared of everything..please God let me heal from this

  2. #102
    Founder Sheila's Avatar
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    That’s great that your sleep is so good. That’s sooo healing. And I’m glad you’re evenings are lightening up earlier, so you can enjoy some time and get to bed on a schedule that works well for having a family.

    You’re doing good working with the self-harming. And it’s really good you’re talking about it now, right away. That will make you less likely to act on the impulse again.

    Hopefully, you won’t feel driven to that point again, but if you do, what about trying something like jumping or running hard in place. I know that doesn’t satisfy the desire to actually hurt yourself, but it might take the edge off the akathisia that I think is part of what’s driving the self-harming.

    Likewise, punching pillows. Again, I acknowledge that that does not satisfy the urge to hurt oneself. But, it might be worth a try if –hopefully not – you ever feel like this again – because you would be expending a lot of energy and making a forceful motion. That might relieve some of the akathisia and anger.

    You may also have worked professionally with people who were self-harming. Now, while you’re feeling better, do you remember any tricks that you saw worked well?

    This is just a limited time in Hell. It *will* end.

    Meds free since June 2005.

    "An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
    -- Holger Kalweit

  3. #103
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    I had another thought about the self-harm, Iggster. In addition to it being self-harming, I think it’s also your vitality that is so damned up and frustrated. IOW, it’s also your life force and creativity that are so held back by the illness, and they want out now!

    This is one of the extremely hard things about this recovery process. You have all these desires to live and be free and express yourself, and you have very little outlet for all that for awhile.
    Meds free since June 2005.

    "An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
    -- Holger Kalweit

  4. #104
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    thats it sheila, both your theories are right, do you think if i taper right down to 0.01 that things wont get worse for me when i come off this failed ri? im so scared that ive been going through all this hell for nearly a year now only to be sent back to square one once im off and all this suffering count for nothing?
    Put on citalopram July 2009 during a physical illness - didnt need it. 40mg
    went down to 20mg July 2010 CT in Jan 2012 - 2.5 years on.
    Tried to restart July 2012 due to 1 panic attack (never had one before - start of CT W/D) - adverse reaction
    Down to 1.5mg from the failed RI
    Now at 0.48 and trying to stabalize - been 6 weeks
    now have SEVERE anxiety, akathsia, feel like Im on acid 24/7 depression, D/P, signed off work. Scared of everything..please God let me heal from this

  5. #105
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    There will be no "going back to square one", Iggy. Your body has done lots of healing already, being able to function with smaller and smaller amount of drugs. Yes, at times it may not feel like it, but you've come a long way and are getting closer and closer to getting your life back. Besides, there's really no rule - some, after reaching 0.0, feel better.
    Keep walking. Just keep walking.

  6. #106
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    what really upsets me Luc, is that Hey K, went back and did a slower taper, there are no details of what his taper was, I think he came off 30mg in a year, and this was 2005 when the taper plan wasnt like it is now, perhaps he jumpee off at 5mg or something, and he hasnt recovered, that could be me, I fear so much that I have really f***ed things up by going back on again and that when I stop things are going to go crazy.

    I AM healing, I can see progress, small progress but progress and Im just so scared that its all going to be undone, but if I go down to 0.01 and maybe even firthur surely that will help me?

    I try to think of people like Tigerlily who went on prozac after going into w/d from effexor, and she came off the prozac at 2mg per month and she was almost fully recovered 20 months after stopping the prozac, that could happen to me couldnt it?

    I keep tellingmyself that if it scares me that much then stay on 0.01 and go even further down if I am still healing, I DO feel better on this tiny amount (0.56) than on the bigger amounts, whether that is because of the smaller doses or because of the passage of time I dont know.

    Mike says that Keith has seen improvemnts over the past year or so, I would love to know if he is seeing signs of recovery.

    I also try to remind myself that I wasnt on the drug for as long as Keith and he had also taken prozac and buspar for a year after 11 years on zoloft before returning to zoloft, I was only on for 2.5 years, its hard to comfort myself and I know I need to try not to dwell on bad side of things...and I know Stan had it even harder when he came off the citalopram, but as I said I intend to go much further down in my taper, I think if Im on less than 0.01 of a mg, it cant be holding back the gates of hell can it?
    Put on citalopram July 2009 during a physical illness - didnt need it. 40mg
    went down to 20mg July 2010 CT in Jan 2012 - 2.5 years on.
    Tried to restart July 2012 due to 1 panic attack (never had one before - start of CT W/D) - adverse reaction
    Down to 1.5mg from the failed RI
    Now at 0.48 and trying to stabalize - been 6 weeks
    now have SEVERE anxiety, akathsia, feel like Im on acid 24/7 depression, D/P, signed off work. Scared of everything..please God let me heal from this

  7. #107
    Founder Sheila's Avatar
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    Parox just posted an interesting link in the No soy solo yo thread in Spanish Forum -- posts 91 and 92. We weren’t quite sure how to interpret the article. Maybe you could take a look at it and see what you think. The bottom line is that it’s hardest to get off the last bit of med, so going slow makes sense. Jumping off the way heyK may have would probably not be the best idea.

    I’ve told you I know of people who had grueling tapers and then did astonishingly well post-taper.

    Remind me – you’re on Citalopram. Does that have the same potency as Paxil, or different dosing?
    Meds free since June 2005.

    "An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
    -- Holger Kalweit

  8. #108
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    same dosing sheila,. Im on 0.56 of a mg right now, and like I said Im going right down to 0.01, I dont think I hae really felt anything from sropping but I dont know, I think my body at the moment is just reacting to the inicial CT 15 months ago and the adverse reaction 10 months ago.
    Put on citalopram July 2009 during a physical illness - didnt need it. 40mg
    went down to 20mg July 2010 CT in Jan 2012 - 2.5 years on.
    Tried to restart July 2012 due to 1 panic attack (never had one before - start of CT W/D) - adverse reaction
    Down to 1.5mg from the failed RI
    Now at 0.48 and trying to stabalize - been 6 weeks
    now have SEVERE anxiety, akathsia, feel like Im on acid 24/7 depression, D/P, signed off work. Scared of everything..please God let me heal from this

  9. #109
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    plus if you give the brain 5 months to 'catch up with the drops' although Im on 0.56, 5 months ago I was on 1.5mg
    Put on citalopram July 2009 during a physical illness - didnt need it. 40mg
    went down to 20mg July 2010 CT in Jan 2012 - 2.5 years on.
    Tried to restart July 2012 due to 1 panic attack (never had one before - start of CT W/D) - adverse reaction
    Down to 1.5mg from the failed RI
    Now at 0.48 and trying to stabalize - been 6 weeks
    now have SEVERE anxiety, akathsia, feel like Im on acid 24/7 depression, D/P, signed off work. Scared of everything..please God let me heal from this

  10. #110
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    sheila if I go slow enough do you think I will be able to maintain the progress I have made? or not?
    Put on citalopram July 2009 during a physical illness - didnt need it. 40mg
    went down to 20mg July 2010 CT in Jan 2012 - 2.5 years on.
    Tried to restart July 2012 due to 1 panic attack (never had one before - start of CT W/D) - adverse reaction
    Down to 1.5mg from the failed RI
    Now at 0.48 and trying to stabalize - been 6 weeks
    now have SEVERE anxiety, akathsia, feel like Im on acid 24/7 depression, D/P, signed off work. Scared of everything..please God let me heal from this

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