Sheila - thanks, yes it IS torture, so cruel, I dont know what to do, I supose all I can do is hang on through each long day and pray...BUT there are still some things that I think are better overall...like a baseline better...
Im sleeping a more regular pattern ie - go to bed at 11pm sleep through until 10am - so still getting good long, good quality sleep...BUT I think Im now able to do this becasue my evenings are much better, before, the only respite I got from the pain was maybe from 11pm or later until the early hours of the morning, now Im kinda ok from around 7pm, I can watch TV, and distract myself really well, sometimes I feel good! when this wave hit, there was perhaps a week or 10 days that my evenings were hell again, but I am now back to feeling ok in the evenings, even when the days are hell.
I havent had anhedonia for a while, perhaps 2 months, the only reason I cant enjoy things is a byproduct of the anxiety and inner restlessness but my ambition and desire is there, its just I cant ACT on those things as Im so sick.
so they are overall imporvements arnt they?
as for the self harm, it wasnt too too bad, I just got to an unbearable point and beat myself, hitting and slapping myself as hard as I could in my face, it scared my hubby ALOT and thats what led to his family trying to have me sectioned, but I lost control, I needed to do something and it was that or scream and my son was in the house so I couldnt scream outloud, also I have the feeling that If I started screaming I would never be able to stop.
Luc - thanks for that graph, yes it makes sense, I keep a daily rating of how Im doing and chart it on a graph for the month, I also do one for the months but I have only just started that one, for April I have gone from a 2 st the beginning of the month to a 5.5 recently, this is based pure;ly on symptoms, and I have to say that 2 was when I was screaming to die and unable to move so most people would put that as a 0 BUT Im so scared that if I gave it a 0 it would get worse and prove that it could be worse so I score higher so I dont tempt fate.
Ive only self harmed like this twice in the past 10 months and thats pretty good going, to be honest I think that if I cut myself my family would panic and hand me over to the mental health services, I know shea cut herself alot and I totally understand.
thanks for all the support guys, its so easy to lose hope/
