Thanks everybody,

All though i know i sound a bit harsh and negative i am still greeted here with kindness and honesty. That means a lot to me.

It's just that i am in much pain. Otherwise i would try to stick with the WD and sing it out. But last week things got very much worse. And they were hellish already. But i think my CNS and my mind is at its limit. Last two days i had to take 15 mg oxazepam. It was either that or drive myself to the hospital. But some weird stuff is going on. Since i did that ct switch to lexapro in october some things came and go (besides my original agoraphobia and anxiety). I had insomnia but went away. I had itching but went away, etc etc. But two things always remained: the depersonalisation and the burning nerves. I been hospitalized twice since oct 2011. But this week things got worse. Especially yesterday and today. The depersonalisation turned into almost insanity. I can not describe this. Its like i dont feel myself. Like i am scared of my self. When i close my eyes and try to feel myself like "thinker, this is you. You know who you are, you played tennis, went to school etc". But i feel so unreal then and anxiety spikes beyond believe. Like i am scared that i am alive. Like my mind is scattered in 1000 pieces.
Also the burning nerves have turned into a giagantic upset in my CNS. I have no idea why or what changed. But my whole body feels like its on fire. It actually hurts. And now and then i feel a lot of pressure on my head. And my muscles, especially hands, spasm. And i have difficulty walking cause it feels like my body is differently oriented. I cant explain. Like my arm is lower, my leg is higher etc etc. I think its because my cns is so messed up.
And i keep scaring myself cause i have the feeling of losing control. I am grasping and trying to hold on to my sanity. But even with 15 mg oxazepam its hard. If i dont do something now i am afraid i wont come back. Especially since my anxiety/personality disorder isnt helping at all. I hate myself for that. A part of my "enjoys" this hell. Or at least is afraid to get better. Also i keep putting oil on the flames with my thoughts "thinker, you will go mental, you will lose it, something will happen". Its like i need this anxiety. And i think about it all day long. WHY of WHY. Why cant i turn away my attention. I hate my weakness. But i dont know who i am anymore. I dont remember being this way before paxil. It must be partialy WD. Cause no matter how severe the anxiety disorder; people always can run from it. I was happy with agoraphobia in my own house. Not the way to go in the end. But now i cant even find peace in the dark on my own bed. I am seriously losing it.

Every hour is now agony. Seriously, i been in hell since paxil pooped out july 2011 and have been home since then. Been hospitalized twice in a closed mental ward, stripped from my belt and shoelaces. and still it was way better then this week. So something has to be done. I look at every train and i think about suicide a lot. I dont want it to get worse where i wanna lessen the pain. Basicly i have a few options:

1.) The doc wants me on zyprexa. On a low dose. I know its risky and people here hate it. But it will work fast and calm me and my system down. I know people in real life who benefited a lot from a small dose for 1 month. Again;..i hope you guys realise how badly shaped i am. I dont have DP/DR anymore but 3 steps further. But just zyprexa and hope it will be better when i stop. So no other meds. I am scared of zyprexa though. But i need piece of mind and find myself again.

2.) I could stay on oxazepam for 3 weeks and hope this is a wave i can ride out with the oxazepam calming my body. But even if the wd is passed..can i at this moment live with my own disorder? Just thinking about meeting someone or going out on the street turns my stomach. If i close my eyes and think that from now within a few months i can be happy;..i feel a big no in my body. I am so so scared for live. I was as a kid and WD only makes it bigger. But even if wd lessens;..how to get passed this. It really kills all my motivation and i dont see a way out

3) I could start zyprexa OR oxazepam and a ssri and drop zyprexa in a month in the hope the ssri does it work.


Since i am almost screaming today from mental and body pain i am thinking about zyprexa and a ssri. But i am a bit scared of zyprexa. Its a heavy heavy med. But then again i am in a heavy situation.
If i start an ssri its hard to decide which one. I really dont wanna use lexapro. Since it really brought me hell. Perhaps that was cause of paxil wd..still i dont feel good with it. Then i can go back to paxil. But will it work again? Or perhaps a different ssri like zoloft or prozac. But prozac is stimulating.

I did learn in my year of research that these drus are no good. I read "your drug might be your problem". I read lots of studies and articles and everything by Healy. So i know i have to taper within 2 years from now. All though i hope i can live without drugs then. But like i said; there is no alternative;..i have to do something.

My questions to you. I know you cant guarentee anything but your best guess would be much appreciated:

1.) From the above mentioned 3 options; which would you pick?

2.) My original problem came back in full force between july and oct 2011. Is it most like that this happened cause of a poopout or cause I decreased from my usual 20 mg to 15 mg nine months before. Is that possible?

3.) If paxil pooped out on me;..did you ever heard of somebody where it worked again?

4.) What ssri would you recommend? paxil, zoloft or prozac.

Thanks a lot.

GUYS I KNOW YOU HATE IT TO ADVICE ON DRUGS AND YOU HATE EVERYTHING THESE DRUGS STAND FOR. Me too and i know i ask a great deal of your sympathy to ask you these questions. But i simply cant go on. I can only hope some drug will find me relief and i can work on myself and my real issues and then do a slow taper. All though i hve no idea who this is possible. For an anxiety disorder this is bizar (while typing this my body feels really like 2nd degree burnwounds and i cant look at my reflection in the window cause it freaks me out)...but for a WD this is also very severe. So i hope to god i am not losing it.
I wish i had more strength. But it feels like i am holding on to my insnity instead of correcting it. Like i "cherish"it. How sick am i. I just want my self back,...all though i dont remember him since i was on drugs at age 18-19 years and 24-36. But at least bring me some peace..please.