I've been meaning to post here for a while but due to cognitive issues kept postponing it. But I guess if I keep letting that prevent me from posting I'll never actually post so I'll just make the disclaimer that now that I might be difficult to follow at times or unclear because my mind is pretty much a mess.

I came off around a 18 months ago and have had few improvements in fact some things have gotten worse, especially my cognitive problems.

One of the problems I've been having more recently which has worsened is to do with my identity. I started medication in my teens and I'm not sure exactly of the effect that's had but I feel now as if "I" have disappeared. My prior self image, characteristics, passion, self esteem etc. seem to be dead. I don't know how I feel about things and I am often asking myself "what do I feel about this" or "why don't I feel how I should feel". I feel like I'm losing/have lost myself and I feel so much grief over everything that has happened that thinking of the future or things getting better is only one aspect of it. I'm not even over the trauma of the experience let alone dealing with the fact that it's ongoing.

My therapist made a point in my last session that I seem to be drifting and I think it was a good point. For a long time I had constant thoughts of suicide and although I haven't killed myself I think I still haven't made the decision to live either or to move on. I've given up but done it passively, I want to try but it feels so overwhelming and I feel like I've been completely crushed by the experience.

I'm here because I don't have the insight or skills to help or understand myself anymore and I really need somewhere that I can talk about all of this because irl there's nowhere.