Hi guys, thx for the replies..

@Sheila: No I wasn't on any AD in 1997... Here what happen in more details...

I got hired in a major Canadian airline in November 1997 all were good great but very overwhelming, familly was not doing well, both situations got to me, one being positive the other negative so what happen I started to become very anxious (overnight) almost like panic attacks, result was I could'nt sleep, first night no sleep, I said I will sleep better tonight...I didn't and then I realized that if I don't sleep I won't make to my new job (that was 2 weeks before hireing date), after 3-4 days of amost no sleep I got so anxious I went into a spiral, I knew I couldn't get any sleep aids because of my pilot job, so I really started to panic. I had no idea what to do and why I was so anxious, only thing that help was alcool but once the alcool was out the anxiety got worce (of course) I was in the a dead end situation. Father is a Dermatologist he knew my situation and said you must sleep and recharge your batteries, take a Valium, Ativan, Imovane, (one at a time to jsut help sleep a little) so I did, it didnMt really work I was fighing it, I would've need an elephant sleep aid to work, I passed the edge of no return.

What happen later is the airline ask me for a regular medicla check a few days before my induction and they saw the metabolites of the Benzo I took and fired me right away after only 2 weeks on training.

Then I went so low, it was Xmas time almost my familly was a mess, I was cooked no jobs, etc.... I didn't sleep for 2 months after that, well I must've sleep a little but had the impression I didn't, I was so burned up it was unreal, I pursist not to go see a Dr. I was so affraid of the meds that just made me lost my career. I don't really know how I didn't commit suicide or anything that bad but I didn't, somewhere in my inner me was keeping me up and going so painfull it was...

I was able to get back my old job as pilot but wasn't in shape to fly but I did anyhow (flying experience saved me...), somehow people seem not to notice my condition, it didn't show in my face or whatever, my ex boss toke me back, then I started to calm down a hair but didn't start to sleep very well, the sleep toke 6 months to be at 3 hours light sleep per mnight then no sleep the rest of the night, my energy was at ZERO, toke me 1 year to gain 50% of my energie, had all the symtpomes of depression in the book, faggy, adsolutly to energie, crying all the time, I could stair at the wall for hours thinking I was there for only 5 minutes, it was really bad, no focus, concentrsation was nil, when I had to go to shopping I couldn't find my items even if there were right in front of me, toke for ever to find anyting, it like my vision was all screwed up, weird because I could see well but couldn't see or identify fast the objets, reading was soooooo painful, association of letters or words toke me for ever, brain was slow computing stuff, etc I could go on with other weird symtomes all day here...

So, after a year my energy level went up at 50%, little less symptomes but still not doing good, after 2 years I was about 70% back up, thing were getting muche better but with periods of intence fog etc.. after the 3rd year had a fairly good summer I would say back up at 85% +/- I really started to think hey all this mess is back of me. What kept me going was if I can improved a grain of sand per month upward I'm doing good, I was retaing this to me all the time, it seem to work.

Of course I had to avoid any stressfull stuff, I had to live like someone who didn't do much and keep a routine, getting stronger each day but who can do that for years in our crazy world unless you live on the moon....

so after the 3 year an unavoidable event happen (positive one actualy but still a major change in my life), what happen is that it made me go down again, I was weak still, ice wasn't thick enough and crash mentaly again, then I went to see my Dr and started the AD (no way I would do the 3 years going up again by myself). He gave me Paxil for a year, lost my job again because of regulations, was lucky to have insurance for 2 years but after that nothing money wise.

Was lucky to have a fantastic spouse. After 7 months on Paxil my Dr told me to withdraw but I still minor symptoms, it work for a while but had to go back again on Paxil for a few months and then change to Effexor in early 2002.

Then I knew my career as a pilot was finish I had to seek something else, the rest I explain above....

Voilà! that was my time in Hell