4.5 years off Paxil/Seroxat and counting!

[Sheila]

It’s possible to be sick, sicker, or sickest with this syndrome.

Claudius, it’s great that you’re getting better. I believe you are still quite incapacitated some or much of the time. Stan is probably more incapacitated than you are right now.

I have read lots of people talk about all different types of neuro injury -- it is often a hidden syndrome. I mean, if you've had a huge stroke or a spinal cord injury, it's obvious to any observer. But, if you have cognitive impairments, dysautonomia, chronic pain, or neuro-paranoia, it's invisible.

Your photo gives us all hope! You look great, and it's so nice to see you being Bourgondic! Thank you for posting it!

[Sheila]

I mean that the spot under my left chest, were the torturous feelings orginate from (and even have some weird connection with the eye spasms!) is rearranging and I feel it when I emerge from a wave. Right now it happens too, and I can sometimes trigger this by lying on my back and meditate with my favorite meditation stone. It really moves inside, what exactly moves is not fully clear but it has immeidate effect on the electrical jolt feeling and the eye spasms. It is weird and no doctor will believe it, but I consider it as some kind of neurologic rearranging.

This is very interesting to me. When I lie down to go to sleep, if I'm having more dysautonomia, I will have burning heat on the ball of my left foot, itching on my left ribs, left side of top of head, and other left side pings and itching. The only thing on the right side is that my right jaw is where the tension is, not the left jaw.

Since you're interested in Kundalini, I'll mention here that K risings sometimes start with the left foot, and go up the left side first.

Anyway, I find what you're saying very intriguing. I wonder what it's about....I think it's brilliant that you figured out how to get some relief with your meditation and stone.

We definitely produce various electromagnetic fields. I'm sure you realize the heart creates an EM field.

[Claudius]

Yes I have interest in Kundalini, though I do not know very much of it, other than I read from you on one of the other sites. I know from myself that in early WD some very dark energy appeared to emerge from my bowels, at that time I worked with a massage therapist and I told her that I felt some "hard dark ball" under my stomach.
I never had the feeling that something started at my feet, but it is true that some of my symptoms, especially the very nasty and protracted chest sensations are on the left site. I have no idea whether this is Kundalini oriented, but I know that I am going through a process of awakening. And it is not a pleasant process but I knew, even before WD fully rose its ugly head, that I could not contunie living the old way, suppressing emotions and being powerless to cruel and nasty people who many, too many times picked me as their primary victim... And I could not longer move on in the rat-race I had become part of against my will and choice.
Still there is a way to go, I am not out of this wave yet and had a pretty bad day, feeling failed and sad, although I was able to continue my semi-voluntary Web programming work. And that is at least more than I could do some time ago :)
And I face the need to get back in the working world, recetnly I doscovered that I probably have some "disorders" from the authistic spectrum, I need more than average time to get on track with a project because of my "bottom up" way of learning and working. This simply is part of me but makes it harder to fit in the working ethos of current time.
But also I am proud to be part of the vanguard of people who choose not to continue drugging ourselves to fulfill expectatinos of others or society. But at the same tome I realize that I am still lucky to be able to go through this years-long process due to financial support. I know many are not so lucky and just do not have the option to go through WD or are too late to taper after a fatal cold turkey and have no support frame. If I would believe in God, I would pray for those people...

[Sheila]

Claudius – I really respect the way you’re working on yourself. I know you have participated in several different forms of therapy, and gained something from each of them. And I really relate to your sense that you are going through an awakening, and that, even without w/d, you had come to a point in your life where you had to make some significant changes. I feel the same way now, in retrospect.

I also relate to how unpleasant this process of awakening has been, by and large. I have really enjoyed studying about Kundalini, spiritually transformative experiences, psychic phenomena, etc. And I’ve learned a lot. But, you know….did it have to be so friggin’ miserable for so friggin’ long?

We *are* part of the vanguard of a huge sociological transformation. I keep running into more and yet more people IRL who are being squashed by these drugs, and are at some point in the spectrum from denial, to getting it, to getting it even more. I am constantly having to use all that I have learned about the physical, psychological, and spiritual aspects of this juggernaut.

Re your way of learning, let me just mention that I became much more cognitively linear, concrete, slow in early w/d, and I am watching myself (slowly and non-linearly) become more cognitively flexible as the healing goes forward. Plus, you’re in a wave right now, and that really colors our assessment of ourselves. For both reasons, I would just wait until you have healed some more before you conclude that you need more than average time to get on track with a project.

Lastly, you mention that you got to the point where you felt you couldn’t continue with the rat race. I think you are currently studying programming, and that is the same work you were doing before you got sick? Can I ask you – do you love it? Do you find it really compelling?

[Luc]

Still there is a way to go, I am not out of this wave yet and had a pretty bad day, feeling failed and sad, although I was able to continue my semi-voluntary Web programming work. And that is at least more than I could do some time ago

That's very important, Claudius. Some time ago, even 1/10000 of what you're doing now wouldn't be possible. I'm sure that in the future to come you will say the same about the present time.

[Claudius]

Lastly, you mention that you got to the point where you felt you couldn’t continue with the rat race. I think you are currently studying programming, and that is the same work you were doing before you got sick? Can I ask you – do you love it? Do you find it really compelling?

This is a legitimate question and I asked it to myself some time ago. And I came to the answer: yes I like computers, programming, building Web sites and the other stuff. But I never choose to bevome part of the rat race which unfortunately was part of the culture of the very commercial "invoice per hour" companies I worked for. Also I am a chemist from origin and did not have the knowledge fundament and did not get the time and guidance from my employers, got fired several times and in fact this, among some other things, drove me to the pills now almost 10 years ago.
In the first years of WD I felt an enormous hatred to the companies who treated me like dirt and seriously doubted whether I would ever work again in ICT. But since about 2 years I did a lot of self-education and learned so many new things and work now with lots of enthousiam on programming projects. My last client wrote the following recommendation on my LinkedIn page:
“I'm very happy with our website www.xxxxxxx.nl. Claudius did a good job, he is a good listener, positive,creative and thinks in possibilities. He is a nice person, very social.” April 6, 2012
And that is were I do it for. And I know I can do darn good work if people have some patience and appreciate my qualities. So I surely want to make a living in this domain again. But not in the same way before I got sick.

[Sheila]

I’m so glad to hear this. It sounds like you have thought about it very clearly and you separated out the content of the work from the ambiance / attitude of the companies.

That’s a really nice endorsement on your LinkedIn page, and just think – this is how you work in w/d! You will only get better in every way!

You’re lucky that you genuinely enjoy doing something that will be in hot demand for the rest of our lives. As you get stronger, you will be able to pick and choose exactly *how* you want to do this work. Perhaps being a self-employed consultant is what you will prefer. Perhaps doing certain kinds of programming, etc., but not other kinds.

So, one of the ways w/d has pushed you to claim your true self is that it took you out of the rat race for awhile, but still allowed you to study the work you truly like. It pushed you to be more healthily entitled – you won’t put up with being treated in a way you don’t like any more. And you are becoming more self-compassionate about having your own style of learning and of doing things. And you are allowing yourself to have preferences.

[Claudius]

Thanx for your wird Sheila and indeed I have been come to the same thought myself. It is a bit of a pity that the innovations in my work area are faster than a normal human being can stay up to date with, at least without drugs LOL. But maybe that goes for many high-skilled occupations, look at the doctors who are years behind in their knowledge and still base their diagnoses and prescriptions on "knowledge" of decades ago... the difference is, however, that doctoers are protected by many rules and as a ICT specialist, you just have to make your deadlines or you are out. At least in the companies I worked for.
But I am sure a new opportunity will come. Right now I am still in some weird wave that varies even within a day. But I can do my programmignwork though I am sitting in the sun right now on my balcony and reading the novel "The Green Mile" of Stephen King, my favourite writer and a book that was on my list for long and I bought today for a few bugs.
And tomorrow I go to Leuven, Belgium for a trip of 4 days. The weather is great and we will enjoy the Bougondic way of living... :) Let the wave keep some distance to me...

[Sheila]

Yeah, I've heard this a lot from IT people, Claudius -- it's exhausting and impossible to try to keep up, and to keep re-training yourself. And, you're right -- an information explosion is also happening in many other fields. Somehow, we have to find a way to keep our focus on relationships and building something together, and not on knowing the most facts.

That's great that you're trying to be compassionate to yourself, and give yourself some Bourgondic-ness! :) I've been wanting to watch that movie for years, but haven't gotten to it yet. I hope you have a very relaxing trip!

OMG -- I just looked at images for Leuven, Belgium. Gorgeous!!!!

[stan]

nice trip in Belgium, Claudius!...