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Thread: The Recovery Will Happen - Luc's journal

  1. #1
    Founder Luc's Avatar
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    The Recovery Will Happen - Luc's journal

    To start something... you need to eventually start it. I've been thinking of writing my journal from time immemorial - here's still a shamingly rough draft thereof, but it's, at least, some starting point. The more strength I will be gathering, the more I'll be adding to it. So, here's the extremely condensed version of my SSRIs and benzo journey. I was on SSRIs and then benzodiazepnes for around 8 years, between 2001-2008. I went off of benzo (Xanax - 1 mg) in June 2008, and then off of Paxil (40 mg) in December 2008 - both cold turkey. The number and utter bizarrness of symptoms I've experienced since then escapes any words. For the reasons I may explain some time later on I had to work throughout all that time. Now, being 2 years and 8 months off of Paxil, I just shudder at the very thought of the indescribable hell I was living every single second in the earlier WD - having no choice but to pretend I'm a healthy professional in my job. And even though, as of late, I've been experiencing quite a nasty and prolonged wave, I still full-well realize that, on average, it's improved, and that at-some-point complete recovery will happen.

    Though my dream of dreams is to just feel what most of SSRIs-not-wrought-havoc-upon people take for granted, that is normalcy, and I crave for being able to feel the feeling of "cannot-waitedness", when you have no anhedonia, and you're impatiently waiting for the pleasure of going for a walk, of meeting friends, of eating your favourite dish, of the coming of a new day, and of so many others, I still need to be patient, like are my friends here. The good news is that nature abhors vacuum - action vs reaction - after fighting WD tooth and nail and reclaiming our lives, we'll have learnt things we'd have most likely never learnt, hadn't it been for our... fighting WD tooth and nail. It's all laws of physics.

    Thank you, Barbara, Sheila and Stan (in alphabetical order), for doing such an incredible work, for launching this site. It'll help so many folks.

  2. #2
    Founder Sheila's Avatar
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    It’s good to hear the Looquian compound-word vocabulary again. :)

    And it’s a very good sign that you’re able to crave specific things. You’re definitely going to get back to those things again.
    Meds free since June 2005.

    "An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
    -- Holger Kalweit

  3. #3
    Founder Luc's Avatar
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    Lots of bizzare things going on recently (body and mind-wise). I will soon write about them (and the ways of dealing with them) - it may help quite many of us in the future. Take care, everyone!
    Keep walking. Just keep walking.

  4. #4
    Founder Luc's Avatar
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    It's been rough lately, yet, as much of a "rough" there was in recent time, some things have happened life and WD-wise that left me with this one thought "at some point, the full healing will happen". And, at some point I will write about it in this very thread. You will all get your lives back. You will heal. There is no doubt about it.
    Keep walking. Just keep walking.

  5. #5
    Founder Luc's Avatar
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    In a very rough place these days, folks... Need your help... The WD (especially past traumas in high gear) + the wasps + the infection, so on. Too much to be able to deal with. If anybody was/is in a window these days/recently, telling me about the "window" feeling would be greatly appreciated, too. Hang in there, everyone!
    Keep walking. Just keep walking.

  6. #6
    Founder Sheila's Avatar
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    I'm so glad you asked for help. And, of course, I'm so sorry you're in such a very rough place.

    Although I'm not in a window right now, I'm OK-ish. But, I want to tell you that I have been through some particularly long, scary waves, and they *always* ended. There have been times in w/d when I was really scared that I would not survive, or that my life would go from bad to much worse. But those especially rough waves always, always came to an end. And I haven't felt like that for a long time. I don't know how long, maybe years.

    Good for you for reaching out for help. That's a very good sign of your self-love and life force. And it's a healing thing you're doing for yourself.

    This bad time will definitely, definitely end. You have so much going for you. And so much to look forward to in your life. And, as you know, it's even the case that really good things will come out of this process -- because of Luc's Law of Compensation.

    Meds free since June 2005.

    "An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
    -- Holger Kalweit

  7. #7
    Founder stan's Avatar
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    a few weeks ago i had high "fibromyalgia" pain, it has lessened, recently i had a return of high "akathisia", it has lessened but still here, today i have pelvis right pain and severe ribcage/spinal pain (it is not as high as it was before), i do not know if it will be worse, but what i know is or it will be worse or it will lessen, but 90% go away in a few hours or days; and a new symptom will dominate a while and let his place to another symptoms;
    with time i feel more natural in pain, less fogged; read what Cindy wrote for my akathisia, she explains how it works in time before healing;
    12 years paxil(9 years only 10 mg) - cold turkey(1,5 month) and switch celexa tapered 1 year 20 mg
    62 years old - for GAD - 4 years 3 months meds free [since april 2009]

    vegetables soup - orange (vit C) - curcuma - some meat or fish

  8. #8
    Founder stan's Avatar
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    Luc, i am sure you will be 70%/80% better and i also, it is only a matter of time; we have held 2,5/3 years (the most critical); we are not far from turning the corner, all testimonies show it; hang on, we are close to live again a new life;
    12 years paxil(9 years only 10 mg) - cold turkey(1,5 month) and switch celexa tapered 1 year 20 mg
    62 years old - for GAD - 4 years 3 months meds free [since april 2009]

    vegetables soup - orange (vit C) - curcuma - some meat or fish

  9. #9
    Senior Member Samsara's Avatar
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    Hi Luc...........


    I'm so sorry you are going through all this! I can only imagine how difficult these weeks must be for you considering all of the added assaults that have occurred over and above WD.

    Viruses, wasps stings etc. create their own biochemical reactions within healthy individuals but those of us in WD incur even greater reactions from such and in the process, WD symptoms become amplified. Physical vulnerabilities in turn create emotional/psychological vulnerabilities which will inevitably excavate past traumas. I very much understand how and why past traumas are now in high gear.

    The intensity of what you are experiencing will soon start to come down. This is a promise. I know this from personal past experience, which I must continually remind myself of since, when I'm in the thick of things I too need to be reminded that healing and recovery is happening since, as you know, our minds become high-jacked into bad states, due to WD.

    In regard to your request re: receiving a recount of a window experience".

    I have one to relay to you. A few months ago, on several occasions, I had a few hours where my mind and body felt PEACEFUL. I did not feel physically assaulted and most of all, my mind was calm, free from ruminations, obsessions, past and present traumas. It felt like the most precious, priceless gift imaginable! I wanted for nothing more in life, despite the avalanche of losses, past and present traumas, that I have incurred over the years.

    Peace of mind where one's mind is allowed to "just be" rather than having to constantly off-set a barrage of WD induced negative fears, horrors etc. and/or the deadness of anhedonic states was more than what I could ever ask for. I wanted it to last forever!

    This was a sign that my body and mind REMEMBERED HOW to function NORMALLY. I have to hold onto those brief past experiences of mental and physical respite and my hope is that you will hold onto to these thoughts at this moment in time since, eventually, this will become your reality. You will experience this inner peace. It will likely appear in small windows, as I have encountered, but these small windows PROVE that homeostatis is inevitable. These brief windows will eventually become longer in duration etc. thus, creating a series of many pleasant hours which eventually will evolve into breath-taking days.

    NO ONE remains in horrid WD states forever. NO ONE!

    Also wish to share that occasionally, I've been experiencing a few good dreams and some positive memories were automatically popping into mind during waking hours, unprovoked by my wilful attempts. These are also good signs. These will begin to happen for you as well, at some point and when this does, it will be comforting to you in regard to the past trauma issue. As your brain starts to heal, the feel good chemicals will begin to flow and consequently, past traumas will begin to lose their significance in your present life. This is a promise! This will be your reality ............your future.

    There is a higher intelligence the regulates the universe, the seasons, the ocean tides etc. Right now you are in the storm........or a long, dark cold winter season but, like every winter (no matter how long or how bitter) the days slowly begin to show signs of life. The short, dark days slowly move towards longer periods of sunlight and that sunlight also becomes warmer and warmer as the beautiful spring time approaches. Eventually that sun becomes radiant in nature as summer approaches.

    There is a very beautiful quote that I keep drawing inspiration from. I believe I had shared this publicly before however, it's worth mentioning once again.

    "In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer." Albert Camus (1913-11-07 – 1960-01-04)

    You have an invincible summer (healing and recovery) within you Luc. It's there, with you at all times, waiting to fully manifest, even if you cannot feel it ATM. You just have to move through the seasons right now. Soon you will feel the warmth of the spring sunshine which will carry you into the summer of your life. This cold and dark winter will soon pass. It will pass! Many times, winter will go out with a roar before spring is allowed to enter.

    I know where I live, many times we get hit with the most severe winter storms (40 cm of snow) just prior to spring like weather. So hang on ........you're not as far away as you feel ATM.

    You are an incredibly strong, courageous and resilient person to have managed to WALK through C/T WD. I still cannot comprehend the degree of your determination.

    Please read this http://antidepressantwithdrawal.info...&p=498#post498


    Peace and Healing Energy,
    Samsara

  10. #10
    Senior Member redroo's Avatar
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    {{{Luc}}} ,I am so sorry to hear your struggling.This time will pass ,there are better days ahead .You have told ME this yourself. Please stay strong.

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