Hi everyone. I've been reading many of your threads for awhile as i've tried to find the strength to post. It was Lotty's recent posts that encouraged me to jump in even though I feel so weak and very scared.
My med history is probably not so unusual: SS/NRIs started in 1993 for what was originally fatigue and general malaise. Klonopin added for bruxism which was later attributed to Zoloft, but, of course, I'm dependent on still. Work comp neck injury and 11 years of litigation while in severe chronic pain ended in loss of career in 2001 and major depressive disorder treated with everything but MAOIs - most antipsychotics, anticonvulsants, lithium, ADHD agents (absolutely no psychosis or mania).
Tapered Pristiq from 100mg over 8 months ending in Spring 2011. I thought I was being careful, but did not know about any support forums at that time. I didn't have brain zaps, so thought I had escaped unscathed. I attributed the anxiety and early morning wakenings/panic to life events. Learned about protracted withdrawal/dysautonomia thru GiannaK's Beyond Meds blog. I was diagnosed with polyendocrine failure and liver disease that was likely present years ago and cause of the original fatigue and malaise that was treated as depression. My endocrinologist explained how SS/NRIs worsen depression, something I suspected long ago and reason I decided to DC Pristiq. I didn't tell my pdoc unil after i was finished tapering. His response was "Good. It was probably flattening you anyway". FLATTENING?? That sounded alot like 'DEPRESSING'. It was the next day that I saw my Endocrinologist and he confirmed my suspicions. I learned through SA that all of the bizarre things I was experiencing through my taper were classic withdrawal. I feel fortunate to not have had zaps or GI problems.
The first several months of w/d were characterized by anxiety, AM panic, and a need to keep moving that I now think was a type of akathisia. One day in July 2011, I packed my car with everything that would fit and drove away from my home and husband in Southern California. I had no plan or destination. I ended up driving across the country by myself, staying in whatever hotel in whatever town I found myself in when I was tired. It all seems like a vague dream now. I returned to California in October and physically and emotional crashed. I've been unable to get moving again.
I can't remember what I've done to stay occupied since losing my career in 2001. The void is overwhelming. I have no kids and am estranged from my family that is centered around older sister's drug addiction.
Emotions are returning as many have described. Also, it feels like my entire life PRE-drugs is being dredged up for my review. Flashes of memories are hitting me with clarity - or I think it's clarity. I'm not sure of anything at this point. The memories are not new or things I hadn't thought about, but I'm seeing how things in my family and childhood effected me far more than i realized. My parents (now in 80s) have completely supported my sister (house, car, health insurance, dog food, expenses) in addition to giving her a weekly allowance that buys drugs. They know this. Everyone knows she's a drug addict. I'm the only one who has seen the total destruction to my family and blame my father, not my sister as I had done for many years. I begged him over the years to stop providing drug money. He wouldn't. She might end up on the street and be an embarrassment to the family in my small hometown in Pennsylvnia.
She OD'd when i was visiting in 2008. I got her to the ER who admitted her to psych for 5 days. She threatened to hunt me down and kill me if it was the last thing she did. That was just one of many times she threatened to kill me, but it was witnessed by psych hospital staff. They still released her and dad continued providing her with drug money. It was during my taper that she threatened a friend who tried to help. Hearing the message she left for him -the exact message I'd received many times over the years- stopped me in my tracks. I thought 'this is not right. It is not ok to threaten to kill people. Why did this not hit before??' Why has nobody - doctors, parents, police, husband (an MD) - tried to help ME?? Cousins in my hometown are afraid of her. They come to me asking if THEY are safe. She's never, to my knowledge, threatened anyone besides me and friend.
I will write more when I can.
Mornings are hellish and last well into the day. I've had a few decent hours in the evening when I think of things I'd like to do the following day, but then wake up and go through the same fight. I feel like a completely different person later in the day.
