Angies withdrawhell journal

[angie007]

Hi BB,

It aint rage what i feel, its the opposite, lonely, teary, a weird kind of stressed feeling in the body that means you can never relax or be calm,
just feel like everything in my life and about my life doesnt feel right at the moment, and this ramps up the anxiety.
I think rage is bad yes!!!!!! but if i was feeling rage i wouldnt be feeling like this lol, dont know which is worse

[BabblingBrooke]

Angie,
It changes hour to hour, but definitely have exactly as you describe also - lonely, teary, 'off'. I have been trying to get out of my life situation for many years and I just don't know where to go.
The agitation/rage hit me this morning which is unusual. Mornings have been fairly calm recently. I hope you're doing a bit better.
BB

[angie007]

Hi Guys,

How is everyone doing???
Im ashamed to say iv read here recently but havent updated since my last post at 11mths post seroxat/paxil.

Well lots of things have happened, im now at 14mths off and some days can be good, I even did a 2 week holiday to Jamaica, and did everything including dolphin swims, visited Bob Marleys childhood hime, his burial place along with his mother and brother, catamoran trips, Dunns River Falls, Oche Rios - i did it all, not every day was good, but i did it an yway no matter how i felt.

Before we went my husband had some things to sort out, unfortunately it couldnt be sorted until we got back, which meant his health anxiety/anxiety was ramped during the holiday, when we got back he developed this depression, which meant he had some degree of apathy, high anxiety, depression and spent a large part of his time in bed.
You can only imagine - to see this happening to someone else in my family, rehashed early wd for me, and my anxiety escalated somewhat, but i worked to keep it under control, although its hard as im sensitive and pick up on others moods easily at the moment.

A few days ago, my anxiety was that high i felt pretty shaky/jittery and felt unwell, so went to bed early, when i experienced this nerve jangling sensation throughout the whole of my body, it wasnt painful as such, but very scary if im honest, and i know its a likely ramp up from the situational stress thats caused my husbands depression, but i would just like to know if anyone else has experienced anything similar????

As regards my husband, the depression developed, and he had some suicidal thoughts which incurred a voluntary hospital visit, where he was seen by a doctor , and he called in the crisis team, they deduced he was at zero risk of actually harming himself and told him to see his own doctor the next day, which he did -------he prescribed CITALOPRAM, which he hasnt taken as yet.
I have made a further appointment for this week to get some bloods done to ascertain thyroid function, hormone tests and a few other things before im happy to say this is JUST anxiety/ depression, but the last thing i will allow, is for him to take an ssri.

So apart from the situational stuff of late i think ( pray ) that i am doing pretty good for the most part, still have my cross to bear, along with everyone else here, not symptom free as yet, just BETTER than it
was in some ways.

[stan]

dear Angie,

i see you seem relatively well in your situation, it is a good thing;
for your husband, if i would be in his place, if really needed in last time, i would take st john wort maybe for depression, but no chemical psychotropic;

[Sheila]

Hi Angie -- I'm so glad you were able to do all the activities in Jamaica. Next year, you'll be able to enjoy your vacation even more.

And I'm so sorry that your husband is having such a hard time right now. It sounds terrible for him, and I fully understand how it's destabilizing for you, too, while you're still in recovery.

As you know, there are a million things that it would be better for him to try instead of medications. You're welcome to tell him about IAWP, and he is welcome to join as our first person whom we help to avoid w/d by never getting started on the poisons.

[Luc]

Hey, Angie. Good to hear there's improvement. Looks like you're almost there and those very bad moments won't ever be back. As for your husband and his possible going on drugs, this would be the worst of choices in the present situation. You learnt first-hand what those pills really are. Trying out a more herbal-like route would be much much better.

[angie007]

Hi Guys,

Aww bless you all for your kind word and thoughts, it means so much.
Things here have been rough to say the least, what with my hubbys depression and anxious state, so far iv convinced him that medication is not the way to go, and i have let him read how folk suffer, if nothing else, he has some small understanding of just how bad i suffered.
Anyway, i have him doing relaxation, accepting, floating above the sensations he is feeling - and reading many books, Claire Weeks etc and an anxiety workbook.
I am trying my hardest to work with him to keep him med free --- i know the hazards involved, he is not a coper, finds things difficult to deal with, especially things that cause problems, which i hasten to add is his own doing. Career wise, he has lost his job ( the start of his depressive state) , my son in law has kindly got him a job on the site where he works, and my hubby is asking for time to think about it!!!!! what? in a recession i ask you, anyway, i told him to call him back, thank him and tell him he would start on Monday, in my opinion it would be the best thing he could do, to be back out there, working, mind occupied and getting out of " his own head and self pity. Sorry if i seem harsh, but sympathy and pity is not going to make him better, he thrives on it and will wallow even more in to his own pity party, leading him to the place he is in right now. Being hard on myself is how i got to where i am now!!!!!
Hopefully, he will take this opportunity to get back on his feet and join the land of the living - we shall see what materialises over the next few days.

Thank you for your well wishes regarding my wd, yes i am better than i was 12months ago, but i have to tell you that this thing with my hubby has thrown me, it has stirred up a loot of feelings and thoughts i havent had in a while, i wrote here about " nerve jangly stuff, neurological stuff, can anyone else relate?? or is this a result of the additional stress of late.
Thank you all once again, your advice and help is as always very much appreciated.

[Sheila]

Angie – the nerve jangly stuff sounds like it might be moderate akathisia. Your system is still healing and vulnerable. You would probably have episodic symptoms for awhile anyway, but having a major stressor like your husband out of work and unhappy would definitely exacerbate w/d symptoms.

You’re doing an excellent job of providing your husband with tools for working with his difficulties, and I can see you’re a stiff-upper-lip person, but consider that it might benefit him and you for you to bring some outside help into the situation.

Your husband may have had his identity very tied to his job, in which case it’s not just a job that he has lost. And he has also been through w/d with you. W/d is extremely stressful for the people close to us. Plus, I remember from pp that the two of you have had your ups and downs.

All of this is to say that psychotherapy might really help him to turn this crisis into a stronger sense of himself.

If that doesn’t appeal, then another thought I have is to take some sort of class together – something very structured, focused on communication or mid-life or self-esteem or coping with depression / anxiety. I wonder if the public health system has groups. Those are usually more like classes than like therapy.

[angie007]

HI Sheila,
Thank you for replying to me, Sheila, im not a stiff upper lip person at all, in fact im quite the reverse, i have an awful lot of empathy for other people, but i do think that life situations have to make you a harder person. Wd from Seroxat taught me many things , my marriage taught me many things - you are right, iv had many challenges in my marriage over the years, and many many problems with my children growing up too, as i imagine many of us here and on other sites have too.

MY taper was particularly hard, I never ever envisaged one single day where i would be symptom free -------NOW that has turned around, its taken many many years, a lot of patience with myself, back lash from others about get a grip , snap out of it and get on with your life remarks. If only it were that simple. My husband understood very very little, my children - even less.
I was completely alone throughout the whole ordeal and had " virtual friends" i made online that consoled me during my darkest days. There were many months of agoraphobia where i never left my house and saw no one at all.

It seemed during this time, that my husband worked more and more hours, weekends, i forced myself to live, eat, do a few chores, often crawling on my hands and knees to use the bathroom and vacuum the lounge. Even though i was suffering greatly, i was still expected to hold things together here, regards problems within my family, even though.... many months i couldnt even think straight, sleep or even find any rest or relaxation times due to horrific anxiety, akathesia. One of the hardest symptoms for me, was excessive anxiety/panic, and i HAD tgo learn to deal with that, there was no one here to put a reassuring arm round or a shoulder to cry on, when i was desperate, and many times i was. Trust me, when i cried, i cried a river........... alone.
If it doesnt make you harder when you realise after 35 yrs of marriage, when the chips are down.... your on your own own, i dont know what does.

Of course i empathise with my husband, i never wanted to see any of my family go through this ever, i wanted to walk away from any connection or link with anxiety/ depression, in fact anything remotely related to me experience. But with my husband, its not just a case of a lost job, its a lot more involved than that...... and all his own doing.
Im trying my best here, its so hard to keep giving to folk, who had NOTHING to give at the worst possible time in my life. But at least im keeping him off psychotropics for now anyway, wish someone had done that much for me all those years ago lol.
But your suggestion of counselling or anxiety/depression class sounds like a brilliant idea, i will research and see if i can find such a place, thank you.xx

[Sheila]

There is no question, Angie, that you have been through hell. And, there's no question that you have not gotten enough support. You have also learned and grown a tremendous amount from this hellish experience (as well as from other hard, hard experiences in your life).

I also remember that you took on the task of supporting a lot of people on pp who were in dire condition.

I wish you didn't have to go through yet more challenge!