Lotty's Withdrawal

[Lotty]

I'm so, so glad to have found you all. All the people I really respected and admired...in one place. I'm sending love and healing to you all.

I can't write much at the moment because my withdrawal has gotten so bad and I just can't find the words.

I'm now down to 7.9mg seroxat/paxil.....I used to have windows and breaks but they have pretty much gone. I am also on xanax 0.5mg twice a day.

I know most of you have already left the drugs behind and so are in a different phase, so I really hope you can all find it in you to include me too.

I haven't had many physical symptoms so far, except for extreme nausea and inability to eat much at all. My problems are all emotional and cognitive. The worst at the moment are EXTREME terror and depression, and severe memory and cognitive problems. Severity varies in quality and intensity but no breaks.

I am tentatively holding my hand out to you all for support......

Much love,
Lotty

[Barbara]

Hi Lotty,

I want to welcome you to the IWAP forum. I can tell you have had to make a very strong effort, because of your current symptoms, to be posting on your journal thread today. Clearly, that shows a lot of determination and courage on your part. Thanks for making the extra effort, for as you know, it will also benefit others who are in similar circumstances with their withdrawal process.

I'm very sorry to here you are having such a rough time right now. I believe it always helps us heal and feel better to speak our truth and to have support from our peers.

I'm looking forward to hearing more about you on IWAP.


Warm Regards,

Barbara

[stan]

hello Lotty,

if i remember, we were globally similar,
what i can say is all you feel is chemical induced, do not fight, try to not stress more, it improves with time, without doing nothing, it's time the healer; let the days pass; your depression is not a real depression, it will not last long, terror maybe more longer,
with time cognition, memory improves(i could not look TV, read a page, speak 10 minutes whithout malaise, it improves)
i have tapered 20 mg in 11 months, if i had to do today, i would plan a two years taper, so go slowly; but slow taper is not a guarantie to not suffer(the suffering depends how many receptors have disappeared and in what areas, i think)
to better heal, we have to rest, so the body will have the best conditions
the extrem terror i had, it diminish

[Sheila]

Welcome, Lotty!

Thank you for such friendly and supportive words!

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Of course, we're delighted to have you here and to support you.


I have a couple of questions if you're up to it --

1) Are you in poop-out, and does it work better for you to keep dropping dose? Or might it work better to slow down the taper even more?

2) I don't know much about benzos, but my first question is, how long have you been taking the Xanax? How long at this dose? How long at this schedule, ie twice a day?


I was not in poop-out when I was tapering, and I found I had to start to taper much slower at about 8 mg. If I had it to do over, I would taper even slower from that point, as Stan mentions. But, I think it's a different matter if one is in poop-out.

Terror has been my worst symptom. It's an unbelievable ordeal to live through. However, it has gotten so much better than it used to be.

You're being a really remarkable person -- brave and strong. Keep going. Keep talking to us and to any other supporters you have. You will come out the other side and see the sun again.

[Cosette123]

Welcome among us,Lotty! And congratulations to have found enough strength to explain your symptomes.
You will find very good advices and true friendship here.
I stopped Paxil 46 months ago and did cold turkey(A huge mistake but I did not know the hell I will pass through!).
I have had, among a lot of symptomes, agoraphobia and terror for several month and it has been a very bad experience.Depressive ideas too (Very bad).
Now I feel much better except neurological problems (Spasticity, off balance...) but I can say I live an almost normal life now.
You must have no boubt:you will have improvements and you will heal.
Hugs
Françoise

[Lotty]

Thank you, each and every one of you for your warm welcome. xxxx



As I said I am experiencing many brutal symptoms, I've had them all through my taper but they have really worsened over the past couple of months. On top of severe depression and terror:

I can usually fall asleep at night, although it is not a restful sleep, but at about 4 in the morning I wake in torment. I am in a kind of limbo-land from then on until I force myself out of bed. I am not asleep but not awake and the mental pain is "bleeding" through. This is often when I get streams of nonsense going through my head that prevents me from getting any rest. I am even scared to admit this symptom because it's EVERY morning and sounds almost like a psychosis....I have been assured many times by the "professionals" that I show no symptoms of psychosis. I've heard people talk of similar things and lucid dreams and the like but nobody has spoken of having this consistently.

Another thing I am experiencing really badly at the moment is a type of "mental akathisia"...I think it has been mentioned elsewhere on the board.
I can't do anything for long as nothing interests me and I can only do it for a few seconds before I try in desperation to distract myself with something else. I don't pace physically but I'm in mental torment all day. It can ease a bit in the evening but other than that it's constant.
Has anyone experienced this during a taper as well as post-taper?

Just need reassurance from people I trust, and I really hope I'm not scaring anyone.

Lotty
xxx

[Lotty]

Welcome, Lotty!

Thank you for such friendly and supportive words!

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time. Of course, we're delighted to have you here and to support you.


I have a couple of questions if you're up to it --

1) Are you in poop-out, and does it work better for you to keep dropping dose? Or might it work better to slow down the taper even more?

2) I don't know much about benzos, but my first question is, how long have you been taking the Xanax? How long at this dose? How long at this schedule, ie twice a day?


I was not in poop-out when I was tapering, and I found I had to start to taper much slower at about 8 mg. If I had it to do over, I would taper even slower from that point, as Stan mentions. But, I think it's a different matter if one is in poop-out.

Terror has been my worst symptom. It's an unbelievable ordeal to live through. However, it has gotten so much better than it used to be.

You're being a really remarkable person -- brave and strong. Keep going. Keep talking to us and to any other supporters you have. You will come out the other side and see the sun again.

Oh Sheila, thank you.
You are all such beautiful, kind souls.

I suspect I am in poop-out, but I don't know. I have NO pattern at all, holding doesn't alleviate symptoms though, I know that. But neither does dropping. It's just hell all the way, getting harder as I go down. I have been dropping from 20mg since December 2010 (so, a year and 4 months now)...started off at 0.5 mg at a time and then increasing to 5% or 6% when I saw that wasn't making it easier.

The xanax I take twice a day....(0.5 morning, 0.5 evening). I have been at this high a dose for 8 months now, so I know I can't just stop it. I will have to think about that later. It doesn't help much anymore but as I said, I can't just stop it.

Lotty
xxx

[Sheila]

Ach, Lotty, you’re really in the thick of it. This Hell is definitely going to end. Many people have been where you are now. And then they continue on the healing journey, first to a much lighter purgatory, and then on to normalcy / heaven.

Let’s keep brainstorming slowly all of us together. There may be some things you can do to make the situation a bit less intense.


1. First of all, please try to stop worrying about psychosis. Many of us have experienced psychosis for the first time in middle adulthood because of psych med w/d. Remember, waking psychosis and the dreaming process while asleep have a lot in common. So, you’re basically just dreaming while awake. It doesn’t mean anything bad about you.


2. However, since it’s so miserable from 4 a.m. on, it might be worth experimenting with sleep schedule. Many people have to come up with their own unique, creative sleep schedule to get through the brain changes of w/d. I know one person who sleeps only during the day. I take a big nap, because that’s when I get the best quality sleep, and then I sleep less at night. I know someone else who sleeps a few hours, then is up a few hours, then goes back to sleep. There’s an article in the Media section here about the divided sleep pattern maybe being more biologically natural.


3. I don’t know much about benzos, but I’m just wondering if, even though you’re taking it two times a day, you still might be having interdose w/d. I’m wondering if you would be more stable if you took the same total dose divided into even smaller pieces, or compounded in a liquid. I really don’t know, but there is someone you may have come across in your psych med discussion board travels who knows a lot about this. She goes by “prhiannon” here and “Rhiannon” on pp, SA, and benzobuddies. I haven’t been in contact with her in a long time, but last I saw, she was more active on benzobuddies. She hasn’t been on IAWP in a long time. If you want help trying to reach her, I can try emailing her.

Anyway, these are just some starting ideas. If none of these work, we’ll all keep brainstorming, and see if there are any other tips that might bring your Hell down a notch or two to more livable.

[Lotty]

Oh Sheila, what a beautiful post you've just written me...it's just touched my heart that someone could be so kind. Thank you. I keep thinking that no one wants to come near me with a barge pole....that I am a lost cause. Thank you for giving me a spark of hope.

I know of Rhiannon, and I have conversed with her via SA. Indeed I'm aware of the benzo situation and I have tried smaller doses more regularly but for some reason it didn't help. I don't know why. I really am an anomaly!

I WISH I could sleep during the daytime and experiment with that but unfortunately I am in too much sufferance to even contemplate the idea. This mental akathisia really is constant. I have managed to drop off in the afternoon a few times in the last few weeks but the quality is not good and I don't manage to stay asleep for long. I have even tried getting up for a few hours in the morning then going back but again no success. The best I manage is late evening to 4am-ish. Thank you so much for your suggestions though. xxx

[stan]

Lotty,

i think that after 10 years or 14 years, we are in mild delayed poop-out, a poop-out which slowly increases each year (i experience it 6 years); what i have do? Slowly continue to taper reasonably (i never was stable, i could not) ; at the end , i reinstate 2 mg, not well, tapered again, was very bad, reinstate 3 mg and tapered slowly and was off, and then tried to held...

akathisia is physical and mental and has many degrees, i had it many months and today have sometime mild; it can be only mental, why not! With time it goes away, i had it severe, and today mild; for that we have to take no meds(propranolol, benzo...) and it will go away

are you tensed? muscles tensed, kind of rigidity? even a brain thinking rigidity, a kind of mental rigidity, cognition rigidity? I have these feelings,