Cycling Away from Chronic Illness...

[Sheila]

it seems a bad reflex automatic, i have many abnormal reflexes between things who normally are separate(example: left arm and eating...vision-cognition thinking-standing,etc)

Stan – this is a valuable observation. There do seem to be some odd connections between physical and mental functioning. Like for Mike – back tension and confusion. This makes me wonder if this is true all the time, but it’s normally more subtle. It gets caricature-ish in w/d. Truly, the whole body is the mind.

[Mike]

I like your idea to "broaden my focus in a passive and receptive way." I've already started to do this generally with my illness in mediation but I hadn't thought of doing it specifically with the confusion... Maybe by asking in meditation "what do I have to learn from this" I can "make friends" with this symptom complex and allow it to become my teacher rather my tormenter... For far too long I've let fear rule and limit my life and maybe that's what this whole fear-confusion thing is about??

I think a lot of the confusion-triggering fear stems from the conscious/uncouscious yearning of "When am I going to live a normal life?" And anger that a simple thought or pang of fear could ruin my day, slowly kill the cross country dream, etc... I often feel envy for those who can schedule a simple pleasure such as a bike ride with little chance of interruption. But by thinking this way I give the symptom/illness even more power. So maybe a healthier approach would be believing/knowing/feeling that everything is going to be OK regardless. That with flexibility and patience I'll get in enough bike rides again, I'll survive situations that are uncomfortable, and that with 2+ years to go the cross country trip is still very much alive. Maybe with this shift and time that all of this will work itself out. As you, Luc and Stan point out the mind is powerful and there all of these weird associations that may be amplified in withdrawal. Time alone will make a difference. My relationship with the symptoms will make even more of a difference.

Finally, it occurs that all of the above stems from a need to have control. Maybe life if more magical when you don't?! Something to think about....:)

P.S. That's an amazing picture, Sheila (and what a great movie). The photo reminds me of a summer day last year. I was about a month into biking and was riding thorough a charming area of farmland. This woman passed me on a road bike, turned into the warm golden morning sun and then raised her arms up just like in your photo. Such a soulful beautiful moment... Thanks again for the picture.

With the confusion episodees, it sounds like there are potentially two ways in – doing something about the worry and doing something about the back muscles tensing.

And it seems like it might help to just hold in mind that this is neurological, psychological, *and* teleological / cosmic.

Here’s one thought -- When the confusion or confusion prodrome start, have you tried doing something that you really enjoy but that is not physical or verbal? Like lying down listening to music, or sitting somewhere looking at a nice vista? I’m trying to borrow from Laura Bruno’s idea that certain insurmountable symptoms are a call to listen to some inner voice tell you something. What if we’re misinterpreting the confusion, and it is actually insight or intuition that you are pushing away because you haven’t been supported in recognizing it?

You were slightly drawn to the residual field effect thing, so I’m paying attention to that. If the confusion comes, and it’s not a good idea to leave the house, you could immerse yourself in cycling magazines or movies. (You’ve seen “Breaking Away,” right? I love that movie.) Or you could increase your exposure to a good field effect by sitting in a bike shop, bike club, or watching in a place where people bike. Then, *really* pay attention to what comes to mind. You already had a lot of insight and intuition before this decent experience, and you have more and more coming up now.

IOW, maybe try broadening your focus of attention in a passive, receptive way, while you use something you enjoy to keep the space propped open and to ward off the anxious thought content. Also, spin a plate on the end of a stick from your forehead at the same time….





Dennis Christopher in “Breaking Away,” 1979

[stan]

and if the confusion periods are just the phenomenon wave / window, because people long termer need more years to improve?
you had not reach the linear improving
and during these crisis you have to wait it pass and then biking, running...

[Mike]

Thanks, Stan. I haven't noticed a wave/window pattern with the confusion. There have been times when it has gone away but it's only because other episodic symptoms were more dominant. The severity of the confusion seems to have improved in a linear way but it's still bad and debilitating.

[stan]

hello Mike, i just made a thread about serotonin syndrome, i think you have not enough healed, i recognize myself in the syndrome with my multiple sufferings;
withdrawal waves are simply serotonin syndrome; we have chaos in serotonin receptors and with time improvements;

[Sheila]

Good stuff, Mike! You’re on it!

For far too long I've let fear rule and limit my life and maybe that's what this whole fear-confusion thing is about??

Intriguing possibility!

So maybe a healthier approach would be believing/knowing/feeling that everything is going to be OK regardless.

Not always possible, but if you *can* trust more, I definitely think this potentiates healing, flow, psi, synchros, etc.

Finally, it occurs that all of the above stems from a need to have control. Maybe life if more magical when you don't?! Something to think about....:)

Well, you and Barbara were talking about that on your Start-up thread, and I was struck anew by it – that we *can* have what we want, but we sometimes have to let go of *how* it happens. That the Tao has its hyper-super-ultra-complex agenda beyond our ken, and we can actually get in the way of its delivering its magic to us if we are too controlling. I’ve been working on myself on this lately – reminding myself that too much of an emphasis on efficiency actually *locks out* synchronicities, happy accidents, “mistakes” that lead to something even better.

[Luc]

that we *can* have what we want, but we sometimes have to let go of *how* it happens. That the Tao has its hyper-super-ultra-complex agenda beyond our ken, and we can actually get in the way of its delivering its magic to us if we are too controlling. I’ve been working on myself on this lately – reminding myself that too much of an emphasis on efficiency actually *locks out* synchronicities, happy accidents, “mistakes” that lead to something even better.

I'm behind this idea 100%. All too often, when we push things, our goals and objectives seem to ironically switch into a reverse. More and more do I see that the organic, natural growth of things is the way to go. That said, perhaps, the best option would be for you, Mike, to continue doing certain things (like cycling), *but*, at the same time, allowing yourself to accept the presence of symptoms. I'm quite positive that the psychosomatic element of *some* of them would that way be successfully dealt with, until the complete somatic healing happens.

Of course, I'm just bouncing those ideas around for you to pick those that will eventually work. I do realize that it's often easier said than done, but, at some point, it will all nicely click again.

[Mike]

ell, you and Barbara were talking about that on your Start-up thread, and I was struck anew by it – that we *can* have what we want, but we sometimes have to let go of *how* it happens. That the Tao has its hyper-super-ultra-complex agenda beyond our ken, and we can actually get in the way of its delivering its magic to us if we are too controlling. I’ve been working on myself on this lately – reminding myself that too much of an emphasis on efficiency actually *locks out* synchronicities, happy accidents, “mistakes” that lead to something even better.

Well, said. I agree. I've mentioned this before but some of the most successful people have no goals/plans, etc. Maybe there is more available to them by going with the flow.

[Mike]

Mike, to continue doing certain things (like cycling), *but*, at the same time, allowing yourself to accept the presence of symptoms. I'm quite positive that the psychosomatic element of *some* of them would that way be successfully dealt with, until the complete somatic healing happens.

I've been doing this to some extent for a long time but sometimes the symptoms just win in a way that is really demoralizing. It's hard to know when to push it and when not to. And sometime there are hours of preparation, driving, etc only to have it all backfire. I've been running more instead of cycling lately. All I have to do is throw on my shoes and go and there's much less time involved. It's also easier to run with confusion than ride a bike. I've also been doing some rides that start from my house. This works well because there is less prep, less pressure, less time to worry, and it's easier to abort a ride if I need to. I'm not giving up on my country rides I am just trying to adapt to the situation.

I do think that what you are suggesting is all I can really do. Just keep trying over and over again and functioning with it. Eventually this will reduce the fear. I try to remind myself that while others can schedule rides without these types of concerns I have more days to choose from, as I have more free time. So then it just becomes an issue of being flexible and trying on another day if a ride doesn't go well.

[stan]

When you run with confusion, what does it give you? why not wait confusion goes away and run more happy then!... what's the goal?