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Thread: Cycling Away from Chronic Illness...

  1. #11
    Senior Member Mike's Avatar
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    Thanks everyone for your well wishes about the migraine. It stopped at about the 25th or 26th day but then came back. Something odd happened today... I drove with a migraine--felt good enough to drive but tons of pain and other migraine-y symptoms.... The weird thing was that I noticed that I was ultra confident driving. I felt very connected to my surroundings and didn't have any of my usual fears. Later I went for a bike ride with a friend and I was uncharacteristically "on" socially, cracking jokes and keeping the conversation going. We ended up having mechanical problems that led to some frustrations and cut short our ride. I was cool as cucumber through the whole thing (usually the smallest thing will push me over the edge). I felt somewhat revved up today. This happens occasionally and in this light my fearless driving and newfound social skills felt somewhat "false" but my wife made the point that "normal" would feel false to me given what I've been living with all of these years. Anyway, it was interesting and I see it all in a positive light. That's another interesting thing--I have had several days in the last couple of weeks in which I've been uncharacteristically positive.

    Planning to do another cycling post in the next few days. Thanks for the icons Stan, Sheila....!

  2. #12
    Founder Sheila's Avatar
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    I agree with your wife that we shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. Even *if* your confidence and poise had some false element to them (and I'm not saying I know what that would be, exactly), they're definitely a step in the right direction. And with more time, they will grow roots, you know what I mean? They'll connect up with old experiences of confidence, seem more reliable, you'll become more intimate with them, etc.

    So sorry the migraine pain and other migraine-y symptoms are still harrassing you.

    Meds free since June 2005.

    "An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
    -- Holger Kalweit

  3. #13
    Senior Member Mike's Avatar
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    I like your "growing roots" thought... I have these revved up periods a few times a year. Also I have brief moments where I feel 100% good, like myself, connected to myself and my surroundings. During these periods the world seems friendlier, less intimidating. It's very striking but it only lasts for a brief time. Just wish there were more of them, a trend, and then critical mass... Anyway, glad that I am capable of feeling that way if only for seconds... Thanks for your support, Sheila.

  4. #14
    French Café Moderator Cosette123's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Mike View Post
    I like your "growing roots" thought... I have these revved up periods a few times a year. Also I have brief moments where I feel 100% good, like myself, connected to myself and my surroundings. During these periods the world seems friendlier, less intimidating. It's very striking but it only lasts for a brief time. Just wish there were more of them, a trend, and then critical mass... Anyway, glad that I am capable of feeling that way if only for seconds... Thanks for your support, Sheila.
    Mike I well know these brief moments of well-being and as you wrote the world seems friendlier.These moments do not last for a long time but I can say that globally I feel better than one year ago.
    As our friend Luc always says:"Keep walking" or in your case:"Keep cycling"!
    Severe anxiety since childhood .SSRIs for OCD.
    Major traumatism in my life:Prozac during short periods.
    Deroxat (=Paxil) during 7 years.
    Three unsuccessful atempts to quit.
    Deroxat free since may 2008 (Cold turkey )

  5. #15
    Founder Luc's Avatar
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    Mike, it was so great to read your post. Such moments of "normalcy" shining through WD will be ever more frequent. Our bodies, like malfunctioning engines, they first sputter, they go out, then sputter again, but as time passes, there's less sputtering and going out, and more of proper engine work. The bottomline is that we all heal eventually. And you will, too! It's that the amount of patience needed to wait to this moment is out of this world. Your posts bring lots of hope for many! Thank you so muchfor them!
    Keep walking. Just keep walking.

  6. #16
    Senior Member Mike's Avatar
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    Thank you, Cossette and Luc. I've had a bit of setback since i last wrote. I am on day 40 something of the migraine. It did mostly go away for a day but then I went right back into it again so I am counting it all as one migraine. Also, in addition to the general cognitive problems that have been slowly improving over the years I am once again having episodes of confusion. During these periods I have difficulty following conversations and expressing myself verbally. I also feel cut off from the world, spacey, and at times I experience agitation. Oddly, each and every episode begins with muscles *involuntarily* tensing in my back... Weirdest of all is that these confusional episodes can be triggered by *worrying* about getting an episode. Each episode lasts the entire rest of the day and then sleep tends to reverse it.

    The last time this happened was really bad.... I was driving to the start of a bike ride and the confusion hit me in the car (after worrying about getting an episode). I decided to continue on since i was already half way there. When I got there I thought I might as well try to ride but my symptoms got much worse in the first few miles so I had to turn around. This is only the second time out of about 120 rides that I've had to stop. I am not sure what to do about this. I've been having this symptom for 6 years and it's a deal breaker symptom for me. I can ride with a lot of different forms of discomfort but this one makes it very difficult and potentially dangerous. And the worst part is that the harder I resist thinking about it of course the more I end up thinking about, which in turn triggers episodes.

  7. #17
    Founder Luc's Avatar
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    Hey, Mike! Thanks for this update. It looks like the non-linearity strikes back again, and that, as much as we hate this stuff popping up that far off, the only option is to ride it out. And you will! :) I know how unnerving it sometimes gets, but what we need to do is to look at the still bigger picture (yes, I know how long it already takes, but it will eventually all abate to the point of complete healing).

    There's also one thing that may be of help for you. There's a big chance that there's some psychosomatic stuff going on. Mind you, I am absolutely NOT saying you're not in WD. What I'm saying (and what I've noticed in my own WD) is that the emotional and psychological trauma of WD additionally aggreviates the symptoms, or, to be more precise, when you start being afraid of the symptoms coming back, since the CNS isn't yet fully healed, it doesn't take much to push your system (temporarily and reversibly, though) into the WD-mode still further. The good news is that the acccumulated number of such dips will eventually (and it has happened already to quite a good degree in your case) move you off of the place when the still present over-sensitivity to stress, emotional stimuli, etc., worsens your state that much. And then, then the healing will come.

    You may also have already realized that what I wrote here (being afraid of the symptoms to be back) is very likely the case, and at that point you may start being afraid of being afraid, which would make it more difficult for you to continue what you're doing (cycling, etc.), so, the best option would be, I think, telling yourself "ok, I accept this temporary thing", and keeping doing what you're doing. Though cutting yourself some slack may also be a way to go.

    You've done incredible job throughout all those years, Mike. Despite the still present symptoms, and this damn non-linearity, the progress is there no matter what. Just a little but more patience. We will heal.
    Last edited by Luc; 04-04-2012 at 01:57 PM.
    Keep walking. Just keep walking.

  8. #18
    Senior Member Mike's Avatar
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    Luc-

    Thanks for your thoughtful response. I don't love the term because there so much potential for misunderstanding but yes, it is psychosomatic in the sense that worry/anxiety is triggering neurological symptoms. However, I don't think all of the worry in the world would have triggered these symptoms pre-withdrawal. There is vulnerability there--sort of like the diathesis stress model..Also, its interesting that generic stress never triggers it--it's only worry or even neutral thoughts about having having an episode that triggers it.

    The point about non-linearity and the strategy of acceptance and carrying on despite these symptoms while practicing self-care is a good. My worry though is that this sympom isn't something that's working itself out. The only time it's ever gone away is when I have serotonin Syndrome-like symptoms. These two states are incompatible. That's why I've been able to bike for the last 10 months--because nearly every day I've had this SS-like stuff. It's like a cruel game of Rock, Paper, Scissors... The hope is that the vulnerability for confusion will eventually work itself out and I can worry to my hearts content and it just won't happen or it will be so minor that I can function with it. But it's been going on for 6 years. How long can I wait? I hate the idea of going into therapy but if I can find someone with specialized training relevant to this I might give it go.

    Yesterday, I was feeling like the cross country dream and many of my cycling goals were dead but I've just resolved to not give up... Check out the photo below this Greg and June Siple (left) and friends in the 70s. They were on an Alaska to Agentina tour when they dreamt up "Bikecentenial" in which 4,000 cyclists did a cross country tour in honor of the bicentennial... Greg went on to form the Adventure Cycling Association that mapped the route I'll taking VA to OR... Tried to post a few more photos but it wouldn't let me.






  9. #19
    Founder Sheila's Avatar
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    Oh, jeez, Mike, that’s freaking brutal about the 40-day migraine. I, too, have been having a little bit of this and a little bit of that, cycling (not in a good way) through familiar, old symptoms. So, you’re not alone. Cold comfort.

    118 fulfilled rides out of 120 attempts is a fantastic record. I *know* how frustrating and disheartening this is to be hung up by the migraine and the confusion. I’m really sorry.




    I just posted some stuff about a woman who had TBI from a car accident, and her cross-to-bear symptom was migraine. Maybe you’ll find some inspiration or something from it. She is fully recovered.

    Her name is Laura Bruno --

    http://antidepressantwithdrawal.info...njury%E2%80%9D

    http://neuroscienceandpsi.blogspot.c...r-medical.html

    She has lots to say about TBI migraine. There are two main ideas. 1) Certain particularly bad migraines of hers seemed to be calls to shamanize. See the blog for more on that. 2) In general, it sounds like she got the most help for TBI migraines by working on her vision with a “holistic vision and brain injury specialist” in Seattle. This is mentioned briefly in the mind-net interview and in the kzyx interview.




    It’s really great you posted the photos and wrote about Greg and June Siple and the Bikecentenial and the Adventure Cycling Association. This really seems like the lantern in the dark for you, and that it will lead you out of the darkness if you keep following it.
    Meds free since June 2005.

    "An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
    -- Holger Kalweit

  10. #20
    Founder Luc's Avatar
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    Great insights there in your post, Mike - I will be re-reading it, and will try come up with some more ideas. Darn, it takes so long. I know. Let me, though, say this (and I realize it may sound cliche - but it works for me); every time I'm in a "I-have-enough" mood, I go in my mind back to the early WD. I have somehow managed to establish this "glass half-full" mechanism. Despite the still present symptoms in several areas, I remember myself of those symptoms that are no longer there, and of those that have abated, and tell myself that no matter how much more it may take, we all go in the same, GOOD direction.

    Fantastic pictures - one word comes to mind... FREEDOM.
    Keep walking. Just keep walking.

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