Hi, please see my introduction in my Unexpected Gift thread...
If it's OK with everyone I'd like to use this space to journal about cycling with chronic illness. These will be quick and dirty journal entries to track my general progress with reflections on the role that cycling may be playing my recovery...
My first entry...
I am on day 23 of a migraine, which for me means an intense headache, sound sensitivity, free-floating anger, cognitive changes, occasional visual phenomena, and a feeling of being "off" and disconnected. I woke with most of the above today but decided that if I felt good enough to drive that I should try a ride in a rural area with low traffic. I had taken 3 days off from biking because of the weather and the migraine but at some point I start getting antsy and figure it's better to go and feel bad than to wait interminably for my symptoms to clear... My days seem to divided between "stay close to home self-care days" and healthy defiance days...
When I got to my start point I felt really out of it and worse than before I left. I thought that I had made a mistake but decided to give it a go anyway. I find that the first 15 minutes of biking is always a leap of faith regardless of how I am feeling. It takes a while to find my rhythm and connect to the surroundings... So off I went and while the migraine didn't magically disappear it became more bearable. It was my second time out on clipless pedals, in which you are connected to the bike with cleats. I had my first fall when I pulled off the road to let a truck pass on a dangerous stretch of road. There was a bit of mud, the bike slowed, and I didn't clip out quickly enough. Luckily I had a rather soft landing and didn't even get scraped up. As time goes on I'll get better at anticipating when I need to clip out...
Midway through the ride I started daydreaming about my cross country trip I've loosely planed for spring of 2014.... I still have intense withdrawal related anxiety when I wake up in the middle of the night and lately when I've been waking up with these "terrors" I think about the bike trip and say to myself "imagine this in a tent in a city park in Kentucky" realizing that I am not ready, that I need more time to heal... But I also realize that everything is distorted at night and seems scarier than it really is so today when I was riding I thought what if THIS ride was the cross country ride? What if you were on mile 30 of the day in Illinois, and next you'd stop for lunch, ride 30 more miles, and then stay at a campground or hostel that night"? "How would that feel?" And in asking myself this question I felt such joy, excitement, and contentment because the trip felt so *right.* It helped me to realize that while I do need more time to heal I am getting closer to realizing this dream. It also helped to further highlight the distortions of the night terror thinking and that this is no time to making decisions nor should I let this color my daytime thinking. Ask the question on the bike!
Also of note today is that for second time in a decade I drove on the expressway... Conquering my expressway driving fears is one of 2012 cycling goals. I've listed it as a cycling goal because I've spent so much extra time/gas/money driving crazy routes to avoid highways when I drive to my start points... Feeling good about this victory...
OK that's it for today... Thanks for listening...
Originally Posted by Mike
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