Hi, everyone.... A quick intro and then I wanted to share a little about how I am "following my bliss" and how this is impactingmy healing.
I've gone by the screen name of "Light" on other sites before... I am nearly 7 years clean from a 4+ year taper off of cocktail of antidepressants and other psychiatric medications that were prescribed for depression. My withdrawal symptoms included mood swings, severe anxiety, numerous cognitive problems, auditory processing issues, twitches, tremors, jerks, dissociation, blinding fatigue, sleep disturbance, severe stress intolerance, intense discomfort in my muscles, confusion, agitation, migraines, morning terrors, emotional lability, numerous sensory sensitivities, and other symptoms/states that defy description. Beyond the symptoms themselves, the psychological and social toll associated with being chronically ill has been huge. Overall, some things have improved over the years while others haven't. I am functioning at a higher level than I used to, I am more hopeful, but I am still experiencing discomfort most of the time and struggling with day to day living. I do believe that some healing process is underway and that that healing will continue in some way but I don't necessarily expect a full recovery. I am doing my best at accepting where I am at and making the best of what I have.
OK, onto my bliss... Last June I injured my knee while trying to start a running program and decided to buy a bike. I saw the bike as a way to exercise while my knee healed and thought that it would be a good way to cross train when I got back into running. My symptoms last summer were so difficult that even getting to the bike shop was difficult. There were a couple of aborted attempts, several days of waiting for a "window" to appear, and other frustrations but finally I was able to make the trip and came home with a hybrid bicycle (a cross between a mountain bike and a road bike). When the day came for my first ride on the new bike it became clear how isolated I've been for all of these years. I'd been living in upstate NY for 4 years and I only knew where the grocery store was, my son's school, and my doctor's office. I knew that that there was a major lake to the north but other than that I had no lay of the land. So, anyway off I go on my first ride.... My only goal was to get to a beautiful pedestrian bridge that I had briefly and uncomfortably stood on once before during an attempt to participate in an outdoor family activity. The ride there was comfortable and once again the view from the bridge was amazing but I felt slightly different having ridden there vs dragging myself there in a car. Maybe it's that I hate feeling like a tourist and driving to scenic locales makes me feel that way or maybe it's because having ridden a bike there my life felt a little bigger?
Anyway, I get to other side of bridge and after a steep somewhat challenging climb I find a non-descript major street in a so-so neighborhood. The ride ride gets a little bumpy, there is glass everywhere, and I become worried about getting a flat in this questionable neighborhood. But then I am distracted by a beautiful building that I later read was a Roman Catholic seminary dating back to the early 19th century. I start noticing the scenery more than had I been in a car... I come upon a trail head that branch's off from the main street I am on. I am feeling far from home home and vulnerable because of some neuro symptoms that I was experiencing. I turn to to my right to survey my surroundings and this older woman on a bike calls out to me and says "have you ever been down there?... you should really go down there. It's beautiful." So off I go and soon I find myself zooming 22 mph down a wooded path that is covered by a canopy of trees. Flying through this green tunnel I felt weightless, exhilarated, and more alive than I had in a very long time... Next, I pop out into the sun and there is long wood pedestrian bridge that goes over water (an inlet that borders a river). I continue on a path that takes me to a beach on the lake (yet another place that I once briefly stood in a desperate attempt to participate in life). From the lake front path, I enter a beautiful wooded area, and on the way back I find farmlands that I didn't know even existed (about a mile from my house). In this and subsequent rides I saw swans, swimming turtles, numerous deer, wild turkeys, geese walking single file in a crosswalk, Buddhist monks in the woods, baptisms in the lake, and so much more. That first ride left me feeling more connected to life and for the first time in years I was excited about something. I left with the feeling that my life was bigger and that cycling was going to be about more than exercise to me.
My cycling has come along way since those first rides on my hybrid. A couple of months after I started I developed the need for speed and picked up a road bike and have started riding longer distances, averaging about 150 miles per week. I've experienced more of the area where I live as I've begun riding in the country and in the Finger Lakes region of New York. I've lost ten lbs, my fitness has improved by leaps and bounds, and I've all but thrown my television in the trash can. I've developed an interest in touring and this year, health permitting, I hope to go on my first overnight trip.
I should add that not all of my rides have been bliss. One particular set of episodic symptoms (confusion, intense muscle irritation, and agitation) is very challenging and is present for almost all of my riding. I find that riding can distract me from my symptoms on a good day but on a bad day my symptoms can greatly distract me from the ride. It's a constant push and pull but most of the time I feel good about having made the effort and I have hope that things will improve.
So what does this all mean in term of my health? Below are a several ways in which I believe that cycling has helped me.
--On the bike every x number of pedal strokes produces y amount of movement. Tough rides reliably lead to greater fitness, speed, and endurance. In a linear way I am getting out what I am putting in, which can't be said of the illness experience. This has given me a measure of control over my body that I didn't have before.
--My love of cycling has given me a focus that I didn't have before. Having goals and something to look forward to has been very good for me.
--Since most of rides are rural, cycling has forced me to face my fears of driving. Last year I began driving 20-30 miles through the city and this year I'll tackle my fear of expressway driving.
--Cycling is challenging me in ways that change how I think about myself. For instance, I am not mechanically inclined and had considerable anxiety about getting flats in rural areas but after several missteps and half successes I finally fixed my first flat the other day on the road and it was an amazing feeling. This has prompted me to learn more about bicycle mechanics.
--Cycling has increased my interest in becoming more social. I've been rather isolated for years and last year I went on my first bike ride with a friend. This year I plan on joining a bike club.
--I can't help but think that on a physiological level that cycling has promoted neuroplasticity and is helping me to heal.
--Cycling provides metaphors--when I slug it out on the bike up a tough climb, through a headwind, or the final miles of a long ride it makes me tougher and I can translate these feelings of mastery to the illness experience. (It works the other way too.).
--As I mentioned above, cycling can distract me from my symptoms.
Finally, I wanted to share that finding this passion has felt like real gift to me. So many things came together to make me feel this way. For instance, money has been very tight and buying that first bike was a stretch. When my wife who is concerned about our finances and conservative with money said "you're getting a bike." I felt even more supported than I did before. Later when I need more equipment that we couldn't afford my wife told me about a program in which our health insurance will pay us for good lab results, not smoking, filling out health assessments, etc. For about an hours worth of work I got $300 for bike gear. Family helped buy my road bike... I've also noticed that while many of them don't know what to say about my health they can rally behind my cycling.... This is my long way of saying that good things can happen if you put yourself out there and are open to them...
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back, always ineffectiveness. Concerning all acts of initiative and creation, there is one elementary truth the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents, meetings and material assistance which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power and magic in it. Begin it now." ---W. H. Murray and Wolfgang Goethe---
So what's your bliss? Any more start-ups out there?
-Mike
) so he’s had quite a few students! I’ve even set up a mini studio in my home. I totally agree with your comment “good things can happen if you put yourself out there and are open to them...”
Wow, Mike! What a fascinating, uplifting, and well-written report!
Originally Posted by Cindy
