How to enjoy again?

[redroo]

What happened to me that I don't enjoy the things I used to?
Any one else feel this way ? All the things I used to love doing I have lost interest in and don't have the drive to find a new interest . I have to push myself to get up and go for a walk these days . I would be interested in hearing from others who are experiencing this and how they deal with it.

[Cosette123]

Redroo I had experienced this awful feeling when I was in my early Withdrawal(I am 3 years and 8 months off now): I had to push myself all day long to do my homework, to cook (To be honest, I have not cooked for more than one year) and I had no interest for nothing. But happily this lack of interest did not last and I slightly found again some motivation to do the things I used to enjoy before like sewing, painting...

[Sheila]

For the first several years of w/d, I had to push myself to do everything. Everything. I got zero pleasure or reward from anything. I also found everything unduly confusing, so I had to talk my way through things, out loud, eg: "OK, go and get a fork now." I also made ridiculously detailed lists, and checked things off them as I went through the endless, horrible days.

Despite this, I still had some inkling of what I was interested in -- psychic phenomena -- so I started by spending tiny bits of time on it. Like, originally, I think it was 10 minutes every few days. Because, in addition to the neurological obstacles, there were psychological obstacles.

In my case, it has always be hard for me to really let myself pursue my heart's desire because I have a lot of guilt. I come from a family that values duty and effort and caution and devoting a lot of attention to your elders. It's been hard for me to do a little less of that and really listen to my own wishes and trust that doing *that* will actually benefit the whole world, and my family -- not just myself.

So, for this reason, too, I've found it really helpful to just push myself a little bit. If I wait until I really feel ready to pursue my interests, I'll be 110 years old before I start. So, again, even though I don't know exactly what I want to do with the psychic stuff, I just make sure to carve out some time every day to devote to it. That means reading or Googling or watching a TV show or Youtube or maybe writing some ideas down. Or talking to myself out loud. I get a lot out of that!

[Sheila]

I forgot to make it clear that it does get easier! Too slowly in my case, but it has gotten much easier and more rewarding. I am able to do so much more now than I could before. And I get much more enjoyment....although I want even more! ;)

[Samsara]

Hi Redroo.........

I can very much relate to what you are going through since, I myself am having the same problems. The apathy is quite severe and needless to say I'm not even able to keep up with basics. I have no motivation, no desire or passion in the things that used to bring me a degree of fulfillment. TBH, I feel totally lost and don't even know where to begin to unravel the extent and degree of apathy. I also continue to suffer from depression and some anxiety but it appears to be lessening in intensity.

Sheila has covered the subject very well in both threads so there's not much for me to add. I do believe we have to wait things out, at least until the 3 year mark since, this seems to be when many protracted folks start to merge into life again. I've seen this on so many forums over the years.

In regard to how do I deal with it? Again, Sheila has covered the subject pretty well and I agree with her re: engage in things that you found pleasure in as a child (think this was mentioned in another thread?)

The best I can do is to create these "mini dopamine hits". Humor is what I utilize. Mind you, many times it takes me literally an hour to create a humorous thought in my mind but once it comes into my mind, I get this instant "hit" and I feel alive for a few minutes but the second I cease such engagement I immediately plunge back into depression, anxiety and/or apathy. Many times I will go into "another" thread and just pound out a series of posts to keep the dopamine hits going but it's only a temporary solution since, I can't remain in thread all day and night. (lol)

Certain music can create a hit for me too however, I still can't listen to music for long periods of time due to continued sensitivity to sound but I do watch some on-line videos repeatedly throughout the day to get my "dopa hits". (lol)

Unfortunately, humor and music dopamine hits (although I am grateful to experience these) do not move me into engaging in all the things that need tending to in my life. I feel so irresponsible (for the first time in my life) but I'm going to go with it since, I believe that one of my lessons in all this is to learn to "just be". I truly trust that I will eventually move out this apathy, depression and anxiety stage a few months from now and I believe you will too Redroo!

I'm so sorry you are going through this but just hang on. I think you have experienced some really good windows where where things have eased up. This is very promising and I'm sure those phases will become longer and longer. Just a little more patience and little more time will likely take care of most of the problem.


Samsara

[redroo]

Thank you all for the replies. I will reach the 3 year mark in April so hopefully there will be a turn around. Samsara you are so right when you talk about humour , to laugh makes such a difference thats why I like the Bar thread , they might be silly little comments but they put a smile on my face.

[Samsara]

Sheila: I can relate to every single paragraph that you have written in your previous post (every word of it since, my experience and challenges during WD and family have and continues to be the same).

I think it's remarkable how determined you have been and continue to be and TBH, when I read where you were and now witness how far you've come, it's very inspiring since, your level of intellect and knowledge base (as I've mentioned before) is in the "awesome" category. …..far above the norm.

This gives me so much hope that I will regain my previous level of cognitive and intellectual functioning. I realize you were writing to Redroo but I truly thank you for providing these details, not only within this post but in other posts as well as your Intro. Although I have faith in my recovery, your writings reinforce and give inspiration.

Oh yes, re: "the guilt factor". That's a real tough one to shake lose of isn't it?

With all that said, I am so sorry for how hard and how long this battle has been for you! No doubt it was a life altering experience. I'm glad to hear that things are becoming easier for you and I sure hope you experience some rapid improvements from this point forward. BTW, it’s wonderful that you have found a passion to focus on and it’s an interesting one……. so much to explore in that area of study/interest.

Cosette, i hear you re: the cooking thing. I can barely make myself something to eat simply because I have no interest whatsoever in cooking or even eating. I only do so out of necessity. I did have a very brief spell where I actually enjoyed such but it was very short lived. Glad to hear that you found a passion to engage in and that you are leaving behind many of the horrors of WD.

Redroo, I'm only a couple of months behind you in recovery (31 1/2 months off). You don't have that much further to go before you reach the 3 year mark! Yes, being silly is a fabulous way to mentally escape and feel like a care-free child again. Many more silly moments and full recover to us all!

................... ...... ................................


Samsara

[redroo]

Samsara there are a few of us here near the 3 year mark it will be interesting to compare how we are improving.

[Samsara]

Samsara there are a few of us here near the 3 year mark it will be interesting to compare how we are improving.

Yes, indeed, it will be interesting to see how things play out. I'm quite confident that we will all experience significant improvements at that point.

Samsara

[Luc]

Hey, Red. Oh, I so KNOW what you mean there. But I can promise you anhedonia will go away at some point. It' SO unnatural a feeling, SO bizzare. I look at my past and I'm not able to comprehend what "joy" and "happiness" really mean, even though I was able to experience years, years ago. But it will be back. Be patient.