Petu- Lexapro,other meds, stress, kundalini and confused

[biscotaki]

Peru, welcome to the most caring, supportive wonderful forum ..:)
Thinking of you, and wishing you complete wellness ..:)
Many hugs, biscotaki

[Sheila]

Tina – your warmth and healing energy *definitely* reach us all.

[Petu]

Thank you everyone for your very warm welcome to this forum. I'll write more and answer questions that were asked when I'm feeling up to it, having a bad wave at the moment, I seem to be 'processing' a lot of old trauma and its taking all my energy.

Sending calm, healing thoughts to everyone.

[Moui]

I think it might be harder for those closest to us to see us suffer because they get distressed themselves. Maybe because they are unable to make things better it causes them to feel helpless and frustrated.
Just one thought through the confusion is that you have improved on the path you have been on. Or apparent confusion, because I'm not sure how much difference there is. I'm not knowledgeable in the kundalini, but from what I've gathered reading dp&dr forum and self help books not wrestling with the thoughts and sensations is part of it. I'm no expert on nothing, but I do think that drug induced dissociation (especially WD, maybe not a bad LSD-trip) can be a bit trickier than one triggered in a war veteran, and we need to be more accepting that things will linger around regardless.

Stay strong.

[Petu]

I think it might be harder for those closest to us to see us suffer because they get distressed themselves. Maybe because they are unable to make things better it causes them to feel helpless and frustrated.

Yes, I see this happening, but more than that, I seem to feel this fear and frustration from them like as if it was my own and so it magnifies my own emotions which then increases my own stress, its like a cycle and I just want to avoid some people who are trying to help, who's help I often do need, but for no fault of their own, they cause more harm.

My family is emotionally dysfunctional anyway, my parents are in their 80's, my one sister has her own physical and emotional problems and takes a lot of medication, we used to be close, but over the last few years she has distanced herself from the family and has a new partner.

I've been abandoned a lot through my life, both emotionally and physically, from a young age, so I've got used to being fairly independent in one way, but on a deeper level, there has always been a kind of void which I've been searching to have someone or something fill. But now I've realized very deeply that there is nothing outside of myself which can fill that void.

Thank you for your comments Moui, it really helps to have people to share with who understand.

[Sheila]

You're doing just great at stringing words together, but I believe you that it feels hard and not your normal.

For a long time in early w/d it felt like nothing I did helped. And it was so chaotic, I couldn't tell when things were helping or harming. As I got better, more things started to be helpful.

Don't worry at all about not knowing your mission yet. You might find this essay useful at some point. It's about having to tolerate a long time of nothing working and not knowing as part of the process of a descent experience that is creating something very new.

Ugh -- I'm strugging with a new computer and I can't copy the link -- it's the 9 Jan 13 post called The Descent Experience and the Tertium Non Datur on the blog.

Is it something that has to be fixed or allowed? You know the serenity prayer? I believe you should do what you can within reason to support your healing. But, there's going to be a limit to what you can do, and then you have to accept that. As part of a Kundalini awakening, there is a lot of transient pathology. As you know, the theory is that physical and psychological traumas are being purged. You don't want to go overboard and encourage more purge -- you don't seem to have that tendency. And you do want to do what you can to keep yourself as safe and comfortable as possible during it.

It does sound like your spiritual lectures are helping you feel calm and hope, and that's very healing. Lastly, being a highly emotional person myself, I found it life-saving to move into my head a lot during this.

[Petu]

Ugh -- I'm strugging with a new computer and I can't copy the link -- it's the 9 Jan 13 post called The Descent Experience and the Tertium Non Datur on the blog.

Thank you Sheila, for your comments and the link. I have found the blog post and am about to read it. I hope you get your new computer sorted out soon, technology is great, but it seems to make life more complex and stressful, rather than easier.

How long into your recovery was it before you really started to know that you were improving and going to be ok?

[Sheila]

Petu -- In a way, ignorance was bliss for me. At the start of my w/d it never occurred to me that I wouldn't recover. I don't tend to hypochondria, I had never had a fear of being very sick, so I just assumed I would get better.

As time dragged on, I worried more. But things were always changing, and there were always little improvements, and I immersed myself in research, and it just seemed very, very likely I would recover.

One does have to tolerate a boatload of frustration and not knowing, though. This does take some time for some people (some people turn the corner much quicker) and there is still much we don't know.

What helped me the most was holding it as the modern iteration of the shamanic initiatory illness or the trauma-induced K. awakening -- phenomena which have existed throughout human experience -- and from which people always recover.

[Petu]

Thank you Sheila and everyone who has commented on my thread here. Like many others, I'm feeling very upset about this site closing.

I'm on SA and just made an account with the new forum started by theelt.

link: http://ssriandbenzowdhelp.freeforums.net/

I hope that everyone here can stay in touch and keep supporting each other in some way because I think this forum has a unique kind of understanding and acceptance which seems to go beyond that of other support sites and this is rare with online communities.

I know I haven't written much and only just joined, but I've read so much of the stories here and follow threads, this forum has become like my home and I feel like I know most people who post regularly, like my family, sometimes even more than my real family.

Sheila recently wrote in my thread that everything is happening together to me 'for a reason'. Is the closing of this forum to be added to that list of things happening for a reason? Trying so hard to accept losing all the things in life which provided a sense of security and predictability.

I don't know what else to write. Feeling lost, alone and sad.

[Sheila]

Petu -- You *have* had an undue amount of abandonment in your life. It's been a very hard road. It *is* sort of uncanny that you finally decide to invest in the forum, and it shortly closes. Somehow, the Tao is shoving you in a certain direction. I don't know what it is exactly. I certainly do *not* think you're supposed to be alone and unsupported your whole life and just accept that. It's likely to be more something like *you* having to build the right home / tribe for yourself. I believe you've already done this with raising your children, right? I don't mean you have to do it today, I know you're still very sick. But, somehow, you're being forced to look at what's really important to you and what you really want. You should feel really proud of what you've already done on this front. Did you look at the Tertium essay yet?