Thank you Sheila, yes I did read the essay, there is a lot there to digest and I definitely relate to it. Unfortunately, even though it provides a meaningful context for the suffering, it doesn't offer any relief from the suffering which ultimately is a good thing because going through the suffering is the whole point of the experience I suppose. I just never imagined that it would get this bad or as confusing.

I have one daughter who is 18. She still lives with me, but is naturally moving out into the world and away a little bit at a time, so that feels like one long slow painful abandonment which I do nothing to prevent and everything I can to support and encourage.

Its interesting that you mention building a home/tribe. I've had a theme about tribes running through my whole life. I desperately feel a need to belong to a tribe, but at the same time I'm repelled by their effect of limiting personal freedom and unique expression. Maybe its just me, I was never accepted for who I was in my family of origin and so I carried that pattern with me..... somehow.