I sent this mail to Mike, but wanted to know you guys opinion aswell please.

I am doing very very badly. My DR is so severe i cant take it anymore. The severe depression is getting to me aswell.
I dont know what to do. I just keep holding on to hope that ill get better, but it just seems to get worse. I dont know if this is from the depression or what, but i keep blaming myself for things i did in the past, i hate myself and i feel so sad and cry all the time. I look at other people and i feel extremely jealous and envy them so much. My boyfriend is so happy and always smiling and laughing, everything is going so well in his life, exceptionally well, and here i am, severely depressed, suicidal, have nothing in my life, nothing to live for, i cant even fake a smile, cant live my life at all. It is because of me that everything is going so well in his life, but im not getting anything back in return and its hurting me. I am going to be honest. To me, he isnt a good person, he did very bad things to me and others, but still everything is going so perfect for him (Thanks to me) But me, who isnt a bad person, very caring and does everything i can for people, is suffering and everything in my life is falling appart. Why? Why does this need to be like this??

Im still very scared i wont get better. I want to be happy again and be able to feel connected to the world. But somehow deep inside of me i am convinced i wont ever have that again. I just see too many people suffering from anhedonia, sexual problems etc far out and i am really scared.

I dont know how to hang on anymore. How can live with myself? I am blaming myself for what happened and its killing me. It kills me to see other people so happy and healthy. Its driving me insane :'( Is there something wrong with me?