Didnt want to post, but need support

[Needinghelp]

I sent this mail to Mike, but wanted to know you guys opinion aswell please.

I am doing very very badly. My DR is so severe i cant take it anymore. The severe depression is getting to me aswell.
I dont know what to do. I just keep holding on to hope that ill get better, but it just seems to get worse. I dont know if this is from the depression or what, but i keep blaming myself for things i did in the past, i hate myself and i feel so sad and cry all the time. I look at other people and i feel extremely jealous and envy them so much. My boyfriend is so happy and always smiling and laughing, everything is going so well in his life, exceptionally well, and here i am, severely depressed, suicidal, have nothing in my life, nothing to live for, i cant even fake a smile, cant live my life at all. It is because of me that everything is going so well in his life, but im not getting anything back in return and its hurting me. I am going to be honest. To me, he isnt a good person, he did very bad things to me and others, but still everything is going so perfect for him (Thanks to me) But me, who isnt a bad person, very caring and does everything i can for people, is suffering and everything in my life is falling appart. Why? Why does this need to be like this??

Im still very scared i wont get better. I want to be happy again and be able to feel connected to the world. But somehow deep inside of me i am convinced i wont ever have that again. I just see too many people suffering from anhedonia, sexual problems etc far out and i am really scared.

I dont know how to hang on anymore. How can live with myself? I am blaming myself for what happened and its killing me. It kills me to see other people so happy and healthy. Its driving me insane :'( Is there something wrong with me?

[Junior]

NH you are experiencing the horror of depression - whether it is chemically induced or the naturally occurring version is anyone's guess. My heart goes out to you because I am a sufferer and I'd rather the insomnia I've experienced recently than major depression. For me, and with all that I've gone through in life, there is nothing worse.

When were you last on psych meds? Could you remind me of your history? And would you consider one of the older class of a/ds - like the one I have just started on?

[Needinghelp]

I strongly believe the major depression is due to withdrawal as i never experienced anything like this before.

I am 11 months drug free. I would never in my life touch a psych drug, even in a life or death situation. These drugs are the reason i am in this mess!
I would never advise anyone to take these drugs no matter how severe their condition. There are many many alternative ways to deal with problems then these drugs. If only i knew then what i know now. Psych drugs have completely ruined my life.

[Milkshake]

Needinghelp, hold on, I'm in a bad way too today. Taking the highest strength of tablets and yet bleeding like mad, don't know what's going on, reckon it could be hospital soon. I know your months out now but it is withdrawal depression in my opinion, I've been there. It's so desperate and black, like nothing you've ever felt before. It will lift, most of us have experienced it, it'll fade. Please keep on going, loads of hugs. Xxxxxx

[Junior]

NH - the older tricyclics are a LOT safer and can be very effective. I understand your fear but surely a psych drug is better than suicide? I am saying this from someone who has just elected to go onto one of those older tricyclics. I didn't want to but in the end saw it as my only real option and felt comfortable with it as I'd been on it in the past. It just doesn't cause the same w/d as the SSRIs/ SNRIs. I used to be on 100mg for depression and weaned off in 2 weeks with NO problems. On two separate occasions. I'm now only on 12.5mg.

I actually know someone - dear friends of hubby and I - who is currently in hospital with depression. I didn't know this until recently - she kept it quiet - but she'd been on Effexor for about 10 years. She is now responding to one of the TCAs. I reckon the Effexor pooped out on her.

[Junior]

BTW - psych drugs have SAVED my life - FOUR TIMES in the past - and that includes Paxil, when I first went on it. For exactly what you are going through now - although mine was naturally occurring.

What you were on IN THE PAST has created this mess. It doesn't mean that every single drug that has ever existed is evil.

For the record I NEVER HAD ANYTHING LIKE THIS when getting off amitryptline. TWICE!!

[Needinghelp]

I am hyper sensitive to any medication. I had a adverse reaction to cymbalta and normal antibiotics which are considered safe.

I just want to make something very clear. I did not post here to be convinced i need to try out drugs. I posted here because i need support. I am anti-drugs. I will never take another psychoactive drug in my life. ALL psychoactive drugs do damage. Even TCA's. What you believe is your choice. You are still on paxil, you can definately not even begin to compare my suffering as you have not even felt 1% of it. If you did, you would indeed never ever touch another drug again. This depression is due to withdrawal, nothing else.

I am opting for a drug free life. Im not willing to take a gamble and try another drug. After what ive been through and still gonig through, its not worth the risk.

[Luc]

Dear Needinghelp, all is going to be ok. You are being incredibly brave to do what you're doing considering the severity of symptoms. Are you still going to work? I was in this hell, too, and I, too, had no other choice but to keep doing it. I want you to know one thing - all these symptoms are extremely severe and so painful, but they are only temporary. You will be getting better. I admire your determination to not take any more drugs. What your body needs now most, is time and staying drug-free to be able to heal. You've come a long way already, the improvement will be happening. Just a little bit more.

Do not be afraid to post! We will be helping you as best as we can. All the symptoms you are experiencing are WD, NOT real you. Do not blame yourself for it, it's your chemically-altered brain. But you will be improving. Do you take Omega-3?

[Junior]

I am hyper sensitive to any medication. I had a adverse reaction to cymbalta and normal antibiotics which are considered safe.

I just want to make something very clear. I did not post here to be convinced i need to try out drugs. I posted here because i need support. I am anti-drugs. I will never take another psychoactive drug in my life. ALL psychoactive drugs do damage. Even TCA's. What you believe is your choice. You are still on paxil, you can definately not even begin to compare my suffering as you have not even felt 1% of it. If you did, you would indeed never ever touch another drug again. This depression is due to withdrawal, nothing else.

I am opting for a drug free life. Im not willing to take a gamble and try another drug. After what ive been through and still gonig through, its not worth the risk.

Fair enough. I'm sorry if I have upset you.

[Luc]

I strongly believe the major depression is due to withdrawal as i never experienced anything like this before.

Yes, it absolutely is, Needinghelp.