theelt712's Zoloft Madness

[theelt712]

Headed to a youth meeting for a Budhist organization. Why? It is something to do, although I miss feeling. No matter how much I try to push the idea of feeling out of my mind, it just does not happen. :( I miss it. The waiting game continues.

[theelt712]

Actually wrote some poetry today. Here is what I wrote:
"In a place devoid of thinking
In a place devoid of feeling
It seems like a Utopian dream
Slowly my life becomes a dystopian nightmare
What is being a human?
What are feelings?
Emotions are for the Titans
The strong can feel their lives
Scientists have challenged the once strong Gods and left me scathed and scarred
I just wish a scientist could heal my oozing wounds
I wish one could inject a thinking water and a slew of emotional chemicals into my veins and hydrofrack every sense of living inside of me
And I would feel it in my skin as it flows up through my brain
Until I feel natural again.
My life has become devoid of what being a human is."

[theelt712]

At the meeting, I had a great time. I spoke with a woman about my AD situation and my anxiety, and she said something amazing- THAT SHE UNDERSTOOD. I could not believe it. She said that she was going to help me and I would be fine. I was stunned because for the longest time, I felt that no one IRL got it, that it was mostly confined to these forums. Very happy to have met this new woman. :)

[Sheila]

Nice image about the hydrofracking in order to jounce the life back into you.

I know it’s really hard to not feel in touch with your feelings and to know that your thinking and memory aren’t working as they should. It’s especially hard when you’re as young as you are and don’t have a strong identity of many years' duration, and lots of life experience to tide you over until this ends. You may feel like you’re lost in space. But, this really is going to heal and you will have yourself back again.

Do you do anything to try to ground yourself – physically and psychologically?

That is super about meeting a woman IRL who was so understanding!

[theelt712]

By ground myself- do you mean activities? I write and go on the internet, but that's really it. I wish I did more. And thank you, thank you very much :)

[theelt712]

Woke up at four from a nightmare with hellish anxiety and nervousness. I felt short of breath, the right side of my head severely hurt when I put any type of pressure on it, including lying down, and I was shaking like crazy. :( What an awful episode. I went back to sleep an hour later.

[theelt712]

While I still have it fresh in my mind, let me tell you all about my first ever experience with anhedonia. It was not med induced, it was pure major depression. I was in a bad situation with a now ex boyfriend in January of this year and he and I were not getting along. I felt as if I was losing my connection with him via video games. I told him this through email after a lot of deliberation with my best friend, and he sent me a nasty breakup email. My stomach dropped, and then I felt- nothing. Complete and total numbness. Try as I might to force a feeling, I could not force any. No laughter, no smile, nothing. I was so upset that I couldn't concentrate- and it was the week of EXAMS. I could not think, and I still to this day do not know how the hell I got good grades on the exams. My mind was completely elsewhere.

Besides guilt and overwhelming numbness, I remember not taking pleasure in anything for a good week. It was horrendous. We got back together, and then broke up again later that week due to the fact that he kept ignoring me. He threw everything away, everything I lived and worked for after two months- isn't heartbreak a wonderful feeling? The numbness that came after was horrible. It was just as bad as the med induced numbness I first felt [or didn't feel]. But, after a week or so, I *did* recover and was able to live a normal life until meds came along.

My point being that I have recovered from anhedonia 100% before....but this is taking longer. I have felt, in the past few days, more frequent blimps of sadness and anger, mostly the first. I felt some moments of extremely blunted 'calm' but that is it. I have started to take notes down on my iPod in order to help me remember things more often.

[theelt712]

Everyday, at around 3 in the afternoon, everything seems to slow down and I get tired. I don't know why....I wake up at 8 and I am super hyper. When I get this tired, my eyes are super sensitive to light. Maybe it's time for me to get new glasses.

[theelt712]

Feeling quite 'meh' today- not feeling much of anything, I have a headache [right side of my head feels kinda like it got hit with a brick from time to time], no one wants to do anything, and I'm suddenly realizing how much my life sucks in general. Even if I did have my feelings right now, I'd probably be quite depressed due to the fact that I feel that no one really wants to hang out. But I'm in a hole without feelings, with worry, and when sleeping is really the only time I'm away from the madness. I'm tired of it all....I need a break. At the same time, I feel like I am overanalyzing everything, which is an old habit of mine that I really dislike.

[Sheila]

Yes, it’s helpful to see that you recovered from anhedonia before. And it’s true that meds-induced anhedonia lasts longer than is natural. But it, too, will end.

By grounding, I was thinking that it might benefit you to make a practice of really focusing on your connection to the Earth through your feet, perhaps going outside and walking barefoot on the ground. Also, talking to yourself out loud or in your head in a reassuring way, sometimes just chatting with yourself about what you’re doing, can be very grounding.