I've been meaning to start a journal for a while because my posts about my situation are so spread out (on both forums). It makes it hard for me to keep track of my progress as well. I'm living in a different reality today than last Fall...
Second time I make this thread (cat decided to pull the plug as I was going to send it). Maybe I'll make a wall of text at some point but here a quick summary:
(Edit- well it ended up a small wall anyway:)
I'm a 25 yr old guy from Finland. I have original problems which I was in semi-denial about pre-meds (low self esteem, overly critical of myself, social anxiety, an overthinker - neurotic to the bone no doubt about it, lacking clear goals and bad life&stress management). Many life events which led to these. But I did not go on the drug mainly for these reasons, but 2 panic attacks separated by months of ok. I did not recognize these as panic attacks and as my heart was beating out of my chest I thought there was something wrong with it and went to a cardiologist. He prescribed the citalopram 20mg. This happened during a time of high stress and studies, and like I mentioned a lack of knowing where I was going in life and I think both panic attacks happened after a weekend of binge-drinking. I also used to drink coffee by the buckets and had lost tons of weight. We also had problems with our band and our singer decided to leave.
I'm a relative short termer (2009 December) on and off citalopram. But I have more going on than pure withdrawal. I've had a very adverse relation to citalopram from the beginning and a bad reaction to the normal dose of 20mg (akathisia, complete insomnia for days, tactile hallucinations etc) and more nasty neurological side-effects cropping up in the later part of my drug use (pain episodes). I've had to dabble with sub-therapeutic doses as even 10mg was too much, 5-2.5 range. Longest time off was 2010 summer - 2011 summer. I did not know I was in wd, I thought I had lost my mind.
Eventually got back on the drug (yeah, I don't learn so fast..you have to understand for a very long time I blamed 'me' and not the drug) so I could re-join normal societal activities and after the initial dabbling with doses and the start-up mess I felt much better and went on to complete my military service, yay whee everything in the past.
Until my last, and absolutely worst, attempt to quit 2.5mg last July (2012). Most of what happened is still a bit hazy to me but I do remember some bits, like pacing back and forth in the kitchen looking at the microwave clock every couple of seconds- for about 4 hours without understanding what time it was.. I was utterly f'd up as I had both severe WD and start-up symptoms (I took a lot more than 2.5 in a desperate attempt to pull myself out of the pit. I think I took like 10mg or so in a frantic panic and confusion.) I did not sleep for days, I don't think I ate.. I don't remember most of what I did except keep looping a running track outside the apartment. I remember I was close to suicide. I remember it because it was so scary as I somewhere realized deep down that that's really it.. it's over, end, finito no more and I was so scared of that thought. I was going to down a lot of alcohol and stumble in front of the metro, make it look like I had been celebrating the end of the army time and spare my family of the stigma.
Well it settled down (first gradually and after a few days very suddenly at 2.5mg) and the severe symptoms vanished in less than an hour and have not since returned. This is when I googled and found PaxilProgress. The rest of the summer and much of last fall I was still very much whacked-in-the-head-with-a-tire-iron but no more severe stuff. I've since had to make forced drops due to the pain-state side-effect and am down to 1mg and feeling good (put into perspective- possibly the best I have since early childhood, probably due to many lifestyle changes) at the moment, but scared shitless, even if I act here sometimes as if I'm not.. For almost a year I have been completely off the grid and I've moved back in with my mom. I'm not even unemployed as the shock of WD not being recognized completely outcasted me from everything. But I'm now starting therapy and carefully rejoining society again while continuing to slowly taper off this miniscule crumb.
Edit:
My main fear is that I have some sort of hyper-sensitivity to the drug OR it builds up in my system due to a metabolism issue. I would have to add that on 5mg I felt good but I was zonked out of it.. I slept through the days. I used to go to the gym even then and I remember I would just stop my bike next to a bench and sleep for an hour and continue.. I used to watch youtube videos with the laptop on top of my chest, fall asleep, wake up and just continue. Every day was like that but I didn't question it, I was happy. Like being drunk for months.
That said on the lower doses I'm feeling sharper all the time so the build-up theory sort of goes out of the window. I have recently started to dream again and they are getting more vivid. I still feel a bit like I'm in a cotton cloud haze.. but it could be mild derealization.
There might not be much happening in this thread for a while if things don't change for me..
