Mona's desperate journey

[shel]

Yeah, after reading Sheila's post it makes a lot of sense why there aren't in person support groups given all of the challenges folks are going through. At the moment I am able to leave the house if I am forced - meaning I have to work at the moment so make it there (sometimes I really don't know how I am doing that or how I get through the day) but do find it very challenging to want to do much on the weekends. I don't know if I am semi-agoraphobic at those times or anhedonic or maybe a bit of both? It is hard to explain. I really hate the feeling though as I don't enjoy my free time at all and in fact dread it as I am alone feeling this ickiness. I know I need to keep myself busy but it is so hard when you are feeling ill. :( But because I can get myself out, the offer for a visit stands - I'd love to meet you if you would like and/or when you feel up to it. No pressure though at all, Mona, as I know you are not feeling well and that might just feel overwhelming to you.

[Luc]

A lot of people have talked about in-person groups for w/d over the years. The tragicomic truth is that most people with the syndrome are incredibly agoraphobic and hypersensitive and overstimulated and paranoid. So, the Internet is a godsend!

Very well put, Sheila. It would be like Royal Caribbean organizing the support group for people suffering from sea-sickness.

[mona]

Last night was very bad, almost no sleep and constatant rumination loops. I try to redirect myself but it always comesback to not wanting to go on living. Today is so bad. My whole body is shaking constantly,inside and out. I'm just so sick. I managed to get down my morning smoothie but now it's lunchtime and I have to somehow eat again. I know nothing can help me but feel so desperate. Every moment is such torture. How do people suffer so and keep on living?What is the point? I can't help myself, I can't help anyone else.

[shel]

I am so very sorry to read you are feeling so poorly today and little sleep last night probably isn't helping how you feel today. I can't remember but thought maybe I had read that you are tapering a benzo currently? If so I am wondering if you should wait until you get some relief from the Paxil WD as maybe this is contributing? If you are not tapering a benzo, my apologies.
I wish I had an answer to your questions. I am not feeling as badly as you, yet I have the same questions as you so I can only imagine how you feel. Sheila posted something in your journal before about what kept her going and I found it inspiring. I think there was something as well in Iggy's journal that Sheila had written about how WD makes us forget how important we are to others, even if we are not feeling this way. These thoughts have been helpful to me as I struggle as you do in comprehending how to go on when feeling so poorly and unlike myself, not living life really.

I am so sorry you are suffering, Sally. I truly understand how you are feeling. Hang in there. I am hoping the day gets better for you.

Thinking about you,
Michele

[mona]

Thank you Michele for your kind words. I am tapering valium but am down to only 3mg which is a very small dose and haven't made any change in over a week. The discomfort I feel has there every day for over a year but some days are worse than others. Until recently I felt a little relief in the evenings but that's not happening now. I guess it's what iggy calls akathisia and it makes any sort of relaxation impossible. I did take my walk today and am watering the garden and trying to distract myself but it's not working. It hurts not to be able to enjoy this beautiful summer.

[shel]

I know - it is such a beautiful summer and I am not enjoying it properly either. :( I am familiar with that feeling where the body just won't relax; it is such a horrible and terrifying feeling. I am in awe that you have been dealing with that feeling every day for over a year - you are SO very strong, Sally. You should be so proud of yourself for at least trying to distract yourself and taking your walk as well as watering the garden - those are such difficult things to do when you are feeling poorly. I was wondering what might have caused your insomnia as it doesn't sound like you are usually dealing with that - that is why I was wondering about the benzo. I do wonder if you should just hold on tapering any further on that for now given you are going through so much as it is. Although I certainly can understand your desire to be off of valium as well.

[Iggy131313]

Sally, Im with you, all the time. when you think about not living, you have to think ''If Caroline is still hanging on then I have to aswell'' its as simple as that

are you on the omega 3 yet?

I love you Sally, and Im thinking of you, all the time, sorry I havent been here to support you, give me some more time but I will be back I hope, just need some more time. xxxxxxx

[Sheila]

Ach, I’m sorry you’re feeling so crappy. Shaking non-stop is terrible. I really do think Michele has an important point there about the Valium taper. Even though you’re on a very small dose, we now know that very small doses of these drugs still have a huge effect on receptors.

You tapered a week or two ago, and you are almost certainly having w/d from that.

Why are you tapering right now? Why not stop for at least a month or two and see if you can feel a modicum of relief? We also now know that pushing oneself through a taper as fast as one can tolerate can make the post-taper w/d syndrome last longer, and, ironically, tapering more slowly can make the overall w/d much shorter.

[mona]

Thanks for the support guys. Sheila, you may be right. I just wanted to get off because it's not helping me. I'll try holding for a month this time. Seems like whatever I do, I can keep it together for about three or four days at a time andthen just fall apart. That's what I need this journal for, a place to howl .

Yes Caroline, I am on Omega 3's. Still taking lots of supplements. Scaired to take them but scaired to go off as well. i just can't seem to directly link anything I take or do to a particular outcome.

[Luc]

Mona, slowing down with the benzo taper is a good idea indeed. Before I went into ADs WD, I had been in a benzo WD. Some of the recent symptoms you're describing feel like like it a lot. I know what it is like - just wanting to get rid of those drugs from your body once and for all. But not rushing things now may help a lot.