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Thread: Mona's desperate journey

  1. #41
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    Sheila, I just don't know, there are so many things in play here plus the fact that I feel so bad all the time it's hard to make sense of it all. I really wanted off the valium but maybe that's a mistake. No my life is not really very stressful except in my imagination. I've quit just about everything I used to do, and my husband and son do try to help but of cource can't understand any of it. Nothing is happening that I couldn't have handled easily before I quit paxil but there's no going back. I do thank you and everyone for encouragement and suggestions but I can't see any future but suffering. How did you make it? How is it possible to endure years of this?
    10;mg PAXIL 12 YEARS
    C/T June 2012

  2. #42
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    This drop of the Valium could have added to your symptoms, Mona. So, if you stabilise now a bit, there's quite a chance it will even out in the time to come. Yes, this WD experience is such an absurd only those who who have experience it first-hand are able to comprehend it.

    You will be improving though. Stay strong.
    Keep walking. Just keep walking.

  3. #43
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    Quote Originally Posted by mona View Post
    How did you make it? How is it possible to endure years of this?
    i had tremors, akathisia, shaking, blood pressure, shortness of breath, pains etc , after much time many lessen, but are still here, months go and we are still alive, until a day we notice we have forget some nasty symptomes; it is often a long road
    12 years paxil(9 years only 10 mg) - cold turkey(1,5 month) and switch celexa tapered 1 year 20 mg
    62 years old - for GAD - 4 years 3 months meds free [since april 2009]

    vegetables soup - orange (vit C) - curcuma - some meat or fish

  4. #44
    Founder Sheila's Avatar
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    You will *not* be staying in the same state for years. It will constantly shift, you’ll have little, partial windows. And it will get better and easier.

    The way I have endured it is that there is so much I want to live for. I want my life. I want to be fully who I am supposed to be, doing what I’m supposed to be doing, with the people I’m supposed to be with. And I do not want anything to prevent that from coming to pass.

    We really *are* lucky in that we have something we can recover from fully.

    Re the valium taper, I don’t know enough of your history to say. But if you have added or stopped any meds in the last while and are still too unstable from that, then maybe it’s not time to taper the valium yet.
    Meds free since June 2005.

    "An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
    -- Holger Kalweit

  5. #45
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    I'm having a desperately bad day. Even before all this happened I was barely keeping up with things. As you know this is an entirely different world from the one I grew up in. In the past twenty years things have changed more that in the previous 100. Lately it seems that every day brings a new crisis that in reality is minor but for me represents a difficult challenge. Two days ago it was a large credit card purchase on my card that I didn't make. Today my bank has made changes which will likely require that I switch over to a different account which means changing direct deposits and withdrawals etc. I end up spend ages on the phone on hold listening to dreadful music and comercials only to get an android voice asking me to do this on line. Even if I could figure out how to do it on line, I have an old computer that shuts down frequently and am always on the phone to my son to come over and sort things out.

    I once could discuss politics intelligently, now I can barely get out a sensible answer to anything. I'm so angry at the direction that the world and my country are heading but unable to even write a letter to my senator, not that she could do anything as our country has been bought by multinational businesses. It's like a bad sci-fi novel. I hate the fact that we all sit on our asses while our planet is being destroyed by our excesses.

    I can't read anymore so try to listen to audio books but whenever a new character is introduced I get all confused and have to go back to listen to the previous chapter all over again. Even following TV programs can be difficult, and I can't take anything violent which means that I don't listen to the news much anymore. Every hour is still torment and I have to find things to keep my raging brain entertained. Also I'm so much weaker physically that fifteen minutes of gardening or housework exhausts me.

    Even if I made some sort of recovery I don't believe in my heart that I will ever catch up again. I'll never be able to do or enjoy the things that meant so much to me. I used to want to live just to see what the next chapter of life would hold, but those chapters get more horrifing every year. I'm just so sad but I can't cry and if I scream I'll just freak out my poor family who are doing the best they can to help me.

    This is just a rant and I could go on forever but am exhausted with trying to correct my typing.
    10;mg PAXIL 12 YEARS
    C/T June 2012

  6. #46
    Founder Luc's Avatar
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    Mona, I so know how extremely difficult it is to believe that this nightmare will eventually end. But it will. It really will. I understand and empathise with you about all of the symptoms you've just described - they are so WD. This whole cognitive hell, too. It's like being in some parallel universe 24/7. But, do NOT give up. You will keep improving no matter what. We are designed to be that way by nature. May the good window open for you soon.
    Keep walking. Just keep walking.

  7. #47
    Founder Sheila's Avatar
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    This takes too damn long. But, it’s really important to remember that how things are now is *not* how they are going to be.

    For example, in early w/d, I had the same difficulty as you with reading. I could only handle really simple romances with almost no plot, few characters, and completely happy endings. Then, I graduated to mysteries, with more plot and clues, and a little more narrative tension. Now, I am currently struggling with physics and biology articles for something I’m writing. OMG, I could never have begun to decode them for most of my recovery. They’re still hard for me, because I have no background in the fields, but it’s kind of a miracle, when you look back at what I could handle at the beginning.

    I know you’re very frustrated by not being able to cry. If you feel like screaming, it would probably be a very good thing, but, as you say, it’s not considerate to terrify others. :) Have you tried screaming into a pillow? I knew someone who did this with great success. I watched him do it. I was in the room and could barely hear anything, and he got a very satisfying roar out!

    Did you ever see “Cabaret” where Liza Minnelli goes to the train tracks to scream when a train passes by so it can drown out her scream? She loooooves it..... ;)
    Meds free since June 2005.

    "An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
    -- Holger Kalweit

  8. #48
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    Thanks guys. Calmer now, will sort out the bank in a few days.

  9. #49
    Founder Sheila's Avatar
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    I know it’s humiliating to be an adult and suddenly be completely overwhelmed by the silliest things. This was my experience, too. I felt like I was a three-year-old being asked to cope with adult life on my own.

    You have to be compassionate to yourself and remind yourself that you have an illness. The feelings of overwhelm and intense stress do not mean you have suddenly become immature or dumb. They are symptoms of neurological disrepair and repair.

    This is probably the hardest symptom for outsiders to understand. I found it helped to give it a name. I say, “I’m really neuro right now” and that automatically signifies I’m more sensitive, paranoid, cognitively impaired, physically sickish, and overwhelmed by simple, daily problems, and need to be cut some slack.

    And, it gets better!
    Meds free since June 2005.

    "An initiation into shamanic healing means a devaluation of all values, an overturning of the profane world, a peeling away of inveterate handed-down notions of the world, liberation from everything preconceived. For that reason, shamanism is closely connected with suffering. One must suffer the disintegration of one's own system of thought in order to perceive a new world in the higher space."
    -- Holger Kalweit

  10. #50
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    We all seem to constantly doublethink ourselves as to what is making a difference, good or bad. In my case, I analyze everything I put in my mouth. A few days ago I had two better days in a row. Not a window by any means but just a little better. I started feeling hopeful. Then it just went away, back to zero and I hadn't made any changes before or after. Had I made a change at that point I might have assumed that it was responsible for how I felt.

    In reality I believe that my brain is resetting and as long as I stay away from seritonin effecting chemicals it will continue on and eventually make some improvement. I do not believe that I will ever see anything that I can identify as a recovery but maybe If I can just keep on I will reach a point where life has some value, even though I can't imagineit now.
    10;mg PAXIL 12 YEARS
    C/T June 2012

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