A whole year in hell

[Needinghelp]

Its been 1 year since cold turkey, 10 months since adverse reaction, 9 months drug free.

What a horrible horrible year its been. The worst in my entire life and there is still no end in sight.
I have been emotionally abused by my boyfriend, repeatedly. My dog died, i lost 2 puppies (Never lost a puppy before)
I keep on getting infections. I have horrible woman and hormonal problems that are not normal for a 24 year old.
I have been suicidal for days on end, atleast every month. Ive experienced fears so bad i am surely traumatized for life
I bought my first car and got scammed. I still have the loan agreement to pay off. How great.
I have thought ive lost my mind so many times i have lost count
I cried more than a normal person would in their lifetime.
Ive lost all my emotions, my personality, my self as a person. I even lost my reality.
Ive lost my memory, my perspective of things and mos important. My will to live. My will to be here.
I feel uncomfortable in my own home, around my family, my animals. I have trully lost everything. Even myself.

I keep on posting here and i dont even know why. Its not helping me. *Nothing is* It feels so stupid to post here. I only get the same answers over and over and its not doing anything. Nothing is changing. I am still in hell, even worse hell. I still live with extremely severe DR/DP. It is NOT getting better for me. I feel like im drowning. When i was a kid, i used to dream i was drowning all the time, night after night and i couldnt understand what it meant. I now know. It mean true suffering was coming my way. I am drowning. The dreams were true.

I am trully traumatized by this experience and even if my symptoms go away, i will be left with trauma and fear. No one should
go through this. No one! Especially not a 24 year old. I so hate myself for listening to my bf. For going off my medication. I blame myself.
I was too weak of a person to use my head, to listen to my instincts. For that i will never forgive myself. I really dont believe this will ever end for me.

[Luc]

It is very good you're posting and share your experience, that you vent your frustration and pain, Needinghelp. You may not realize this yet and it may not even feel like it yet, but it is, and will be, helping you on many levels.

I am trully traumatized by this experience and even if my symptoms go away, i will be left with trauma and fear.

You can heal from both WD and the trauma it causes. It is hard to believe it when being in the thick of it - suffering from extreme neuro-emotive ruminations, physical pain, and so many other symptoms. So often even impossible to believe. But the healing will be happening.

Do NOT blame yourself for having done this or that (going off of the drugs). You couldn't have known what it would look like. It is "now" NOT "then" that is important. Step by step. Try re-reading the neuro-emotions thread - it may help you a lot.

[Claudius]

It is like reading myself, my first WD year, 2008, was one HELL from begin to end. And even then it was not over yet, my first window came in May 2009.
So it is one hell of a road and one year is almost nothing in terms of SSRI w/d recovery.
But Luc is right, you can and will heal from this and even from the trauma of WD. In the end we ARE still better off than the many unhappy and helpless people who are entrenched in the utterly sich system of psychiatry, not knowing what we know and are put under drug after drug until their deaths.
We have the knowledge now, and knowledge is power. Although we need the time heal from this unprovoked attack on our nervous systems.

[m&m]

I feel the same way NH, so hard to believe that something like this could be real.

I like hearing that we can heal and that it's only a matter of time when. This helps for a while, then I have to just keep repeating it to myself when I feel weak.

And also like what Claudius says, at least we know what happened in our case, some aren't so lucky and are poly drugged.

Happy thoughts. We will heal. Just a matter of time.

[PAROX2010]

I have been emotionally abused by my boyfriend

Hello NH:

Sorry to hear all their suffering, however I think you have successfully passed the first part of WD. The second part of the WD will be much easier.
Yes, I think it is common to suffer emotional abuse / psychological.

It is true wd that we are often irritable. angry and intolerant, but it is also true that we are vulnerable to abuse psychological / emotional family members, friends, partners ...
Our "survival status" makes us vulnerable, our vital energy is limited, "just say no" is difficult

Bosses abusing employees who are in WD, co-workers abusing peers who are in WD and employees abusing bosses who are in WD ....

In WD no social classes, everyone suffers abuse piscologico/emocional equally.
As Luc said, I think it's very healthy to talk in the forum
Just an opinion

Hugs

[Junior]

Venting is always healthy. It's even better when you are in the company of people who understand. You are not alone.

In terms of the suffering and trauma - maybe you can reframe this thinking - you are learning and growing, and when this is all over, you will have the best coping skills of anyone of your age that you know. You will then able to empathise with and help many many others.

[Sheila]

Wow! Great, healing posts from everyone! What a community!

[Cosette123]

I want to add my own experience of w/d: dear Needinghelp my first months of withrawal were pure hell like yours.And I had the same thoughts than you (No hope, no will to live such a life, an endless tunnel). But I have always found here friendship and understanding. So month after month I found the strength to keep walking(Like our friend Luc says).
Now I can't say I have 100% healed but my life is much better than it was months ago.
Don't lose hope and feel free to share your thoughts here because it is the right place!

[Needinghelp]

Thanks for everyones reponses. I really appreciate it. Im not doing well at the moment. Please pray for me :'(
I keep getting infections everywhere. Im very very scared.

[biscotaki]

I am sorry and sad that you are suffering ..
Please try to just keep walking, as Luc says ..And please know that you are not alone here ..
So many loving people care ..
I will keep you in my prayers ..xx biscotaki