Self-compassion

[Sheila]

Chicago Tribune
by Jen Weigel
29 Sep 11

Imagine being able to train your brain to reverse the effects of negative thinking. Impossible, you say? Not according to Rick Hanson, a neuropsychologist who said we can develop what he calls a Buddha brain with a few simple steps.
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Hanson [is] author of the book "Just One Thing: Developing a Buddha Brain One Simple Practice at a Time" (New Harbinger Publications.
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"People need to accept things that they can't control," he said. "Acceptance is not approval. Let me be clear about that. It's acknowledging that we can't do anything about the economy, or certain things in the world….”

Hanson acknowledged this can be difficult, because finding acceptance and being able to self-soothe are not our natural responses to negativity.

"We're good to our kids and we want to save the whales but when it comes to being on our own side, forget it," he said. "And why do we feel we can only be good to ourselves when we're on vacation? Do it now—at your desk—in your car—in the shower. Make a commitment to focus on self compassion. It may seem basic but it's really hard for people."

Here are Hanson's five steps to help combat the emotional upset caused by negativity.

Realize you are upset. "Take a step back and really observe it," said Hanson. "That's 50 percent of the battle. It doesn't change the movie that's playing in your head, but it changes the experience you're having of the movie."

Practice self-compassion. "If you ran into a friend who had a miscarriage or was laid off, you'd wish them well, right?" he said. "What about compassion for ourselves? That's hard for a lot of people. Neurologically it starts with a sense of being cared about … you are bringing in some basic self-compassion. This is not self-pity, just a moment of thinking, 'I wish I didn't feel bad.' "

Get on your own side. "This is having that basic shift to, 'You know, I want to help myself and be an advocate for myself—be strong myself. I'm not against them, but I'm for me,' " he said.

Make a plan. "Ask yourself, 'What am I going to do about this? What am I doing out in the world and what will I do differently inside my own head?' " Hanson said. "While activating that plan, I remind myself that the same circuits that helped our ancestors run away from charging lions are causing this. So we need to mount an equivalent of calming, soothing, sensory response to activate the parasympathetic in the nervous system."

Trust your gut. "Not every negative thing you hear is true," he said. "Just because a source is telling you something they think to be fact, I do encourage people to take a step back and trust their intuition. There's a lot of intelligence in the gut and the heart, and that's what neuroscience is showing us. Very often our first take is the right take."

Hanson said it doesn't take years to make changes like these in the brain.

"The movement from zero to one is the biggest step of all," he said. "Just a half minute or two of deep breathing or relaxing the tongue can get the neural pathways moving in the right direction. … I've seen this as a therapist and as a guy in the real world."


http://mobile.chicagotribune.com/p.p...&postUserId=54

[Samsara]

Great Post Sheila!

This is an area that I am currently working on. At some point self-nurturing, self-compassion becomes necessary in order to continue to survive, not to mention to obtain balance and happiness, not only in the immediate but also long term.



Sam

[Sheila]

Self-Compassion: The Key to Psychological Well-Being
Noetic Now Journal, Dec 2011
by Kristin Neff and Cassandra Vieten

excerpts --

….Basically, self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness, caring, nurturance, and concern, rather than being harshly judgmental or indifferent to your suffering…..

In my interviews with people, the number one reason they say they aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they won’t be motivated. They’re afraid they’ll just sit in front of the TV all day eating Ding Dongs. We use the motivation of fear to escape the punishment of flagellating ourselves with self-criticism. It’s easy to see this in the way parents motivate their children….

There has been a lot of research now on this question, and it shows that self-compassion is absolutely associated with more motivation, more drive, and setting high standards for one’s self. Self-compassion is also strongly associated with less fear of failure. If you don't have to fear beating yourself up if you fail, you're much more willing to take risks and try challenging new tasks. So, the idea that self-compassion means we won’t be motivated is totally untrue—in fact, it’s the opposite.

Vieten: It also seems that compassion for others is a value found in most of the world’s spiritual and religious traditions—even from a secular point of view, this is considered a strength—whereas self-compassion hasn’t quite reached the threshold of becoming a value and can sometimes feel a bit selfish. There’s also an old adage that compassion for others starts with compassion for self. Would you unpack these ideas a bit?

Neff: First, isn’t it odd that with compassion, we feel it’s okay to be connected to others and have compassion for them, but when we relate to ourselves, we’re disconnected? I mean, if all human beings are worthy of compassion, doesn’t that include one’s self? Aren’t I a human being? So there’s a weird way in which this dichotomy between compassion for others and compassion for self separates us and isolates us from the rest of humanity.

As for whether or not self-compassion is associated with compassion for others, it’s actually quite mixed. My research shows that many people are compassionate to others but not to themselves. There isn’t a clear link between self-compassion and compassion for others. There are a lot of people who are very caring, such as many mothers and nurses, who are really hard on themselves. Compassion is shown to be linked to other things, though. One very strong one is perspective-taking. When you have compassion for yourself, you’re taking the perspective of a “compassionate other” toward yourself. That tendency to take perspective, to see things from multiple points of view, is strongly associated with self-compassion.
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As for specific recommendations, I like physical gestures of affection because they don’t involve the mind, which so easily goes off on a tangent and starts ruminating. So, I tell people to do simple things; for instance, if you’re having a bad thought about yourself, or somebody rejects you, or something is really hard, just put your hand on your heart or give yourself a little hug. Get in touch with the warmth there and connect with that feeling of caring for yourself. Some people have a very hard time doing this, and they have to practice it over time. I also think it helps release enough oxytocin to get that little boost.
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Here’s the beautiful paradox of self-compassion: by accepting yourself, your situation, and your feelings as they are, you embrace the pain with loving-kindness. Loving-kindness feels pretty good, right? So, even though you aren’t making the pain go away—you aren’t trying to change it—you are adding this element of loving-kindness to the suffering. I like to use the metaphor of dark chocolate. Why is dark chocolate so good? Its bitterness is surrounded by sweetness. I think part of the transformational power of self-compassion comes from accepting your suffering with loving-kindness, which allows you to be less stuck in negativity. That wave of loving-kindness holds the pain in such a way that leads to new ideas and insights and more capacity to cope. It’s so beautiful that it works that way!….


http://noetic.org/noetic/issue-seven...lf-compassion/

[Samsara]

Some excellent points within this article Sheila. Thanks for sharing this!

I think the key is learning to balance self-compassion with self-motivation along with compassion towards others. Many times we can become imbalanced in these areas.

As well, learning to nurture oneself first before nurturing others is something that many of us don't discover until we become burned out. The key is to self-nurture, at regular intervals, to prevent the burn-out effect. Failure to self-nuture is a form of self-abuse IMHO.

I love the part re: placing one's hand on one's heart. Very effective self-love healing gesture and although it's a simple act, it can produce profound effects.


Samsara