My Journey of Hell and Healing - Joy

[Joy]

Thank you Luc that is very helpful information to have!!

[Luc]

"The Wall", can be felt before you reach there..often. But can be subtle enough that I will override it and carry on with my day anyway. I can usually articulate to my partner that I feel it close..meaning I am better to go with it and just stay quiet or be left alone. I will feel like I am holding the last straw, just barely holding it together emotionally. It is a physical feeling as well...very tired from deep within and/or irritable to different degrees. Overload on my central nervous system I believe. The remedy, if there was the ability, would be a place with complete removal of any stimulus. No radios or t.v.'s or sharp or erratic sounds as they are like an assult, and no activity around me. Just stillness...and in that environment I could push further in the day with the hope of getting through it until a new day. As I get closer to the wall I have more difficulty thinking. I still try to communicate but get frustrated and work myself up. Interacting with others is too much. I don't want to respond to them as it is enough just to talk and tell them whatever I want to say. Therefore I am short and sharp which I regret instantly.

Very good description, Joy. That's what it precisely feels like.

[Sheila]

…it is hard to teach someone that thinks they know everything.

ha ha! Ain’t that the truth!

With your excellent description of approaching and hitting your wall you are pretty much describing what we tend to call a wave. Almost everyone has some of the same symptoms – feeling more and more overstimulated and agitated – but then we each have our characteristic set, which for you includes the cognitive / verbal stuff. Lowering stimulation and controlling your surroundings and trying to shape your thinking the way you do are all excellent ways of coping.

That is so great that your thinking is better than it was on the ADs!

Part of what’s going on is mild – moderate akathisia.

When I said I had no skin, that was not a physical symptom, but a metaphor for an emotional state. I cope in similar ways to you. It happens much less than it used to. When it’s very bad, I take a shot of valerian or kava or I do a brain wave entrainment CD. I try to breathe more. I talk out loud to myself a lot. Exercise.

Are you familiar with the Tellington Touch work with horses or the brainwave research with horses? You probably know horses are being used to work therapeutically with various types of human difficulties. I wonder if – when you feel you are approaching the wall – it might be worth going out to your horses and seeing if you feel drawn to one of them and then pet or curry or ride or lean against that horse.

[Joy]

Sheila, Ok, so what I describe is a 'wave', ok..that helps me understand that a bit more. Today I had another one that I didn't feel coming on..it snuck up on me. But it didn't get very bad and eventually I was able to get back to what I was doing, but momentarily it is urgent.
I do feel I am getting better each day. Stronger.

I don't understand what 'akathisia' is. I can't say I have ever heard that term. Can you describe it for me?

Sorry I misunderstood when you said you felt you had no skin...my interpretation is rather funny now I see what you meant. lol.

No, I am not familiar with Tellington Touch work with horses. I am new to the world of horses. This was part of my life change..and a fear of mine. But I am very drawn there right now. I have heard that a lot of work is being done with adolescents and adults experiencing various issues. It can be quite therapeutic apparently. It does test you. And funny you mention going out to them when I feel overwhelmed..as that is percisely what I do!! Even in the very cold part of the winter I would go out and spend time with them. We only have 2. We just got them in December so we are getting to know each other....but I find I am drawn to one in particular, the gelding, and it is one that can have a wicked temper. But at the times I have been with him we just stand together in the sun, basking. He closes his eyes and I enjoy just the smell and the feel of him beside me. I do lean against him and pet/brush and just talk or remain quiet with him. I am blessed to have this opportunity. I naturally did this, as my escape. I had never thought anything about that before.

[Luc]

Great to hear you're getting stronger, Joy. Keep it up.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Akathisia

[Joy]

Thank you Luc..interesting reading. I had several good days and today the window closed. It is directly linked to insufficient sleep. There has been a number of days with limited sleep and this has direct impact on how I feel. So today, I ache and feel unable to cope with all the stimulus around me. Today therefore is a quiet day inside. I am spacy and my speech is difficult.

[Sheila]

Ha! That’s super about your intuitive use of your horse. If you’re interested, try Googling Tellington Touch, Anna Wise, brainwave, horse.

One surprising finding was that it was *not* necessarily the calmest horse that was best for an upset kid, but rather the horse whose brainwaves were a better match for that kid. I think – if I’m remembering this right. Very interesting!

There are workshops all over the place for 1) healing horses or 2) utilizing horses to heal humans. And lots of books coming out about this right now.

You might also enjoy these threads about horses –

http://antidepressantwithdrawal.info...ling-together&

http://antidepressantwithdrawal.info...?141-Dolphins&

http://antidepressantwithdrawal.info...and-waking-up&

[Joy]

Thank you Sheila,
I am interested and will further research it when i am feeling a little better. Today my speech is very bad. I am having trouble communicating at all and have choosen just not to talk if I don't have too. I am staying in and quiet today. Why is it so bad today? I haven't any idea. The last couple of days have been hard in other ways with symptoms..speech effected too but today is the worst. There is a snow storm happening here so maybe weather related..? Spring is over by the looks of it and we were dumped with about 6 inches of snow.
Hope your having a good day,
Joy

[Sheila]

There could have been a trigger, but it could also be the non-linear, mysterious way that neurological healing happens even when everything else is kept constant. Hope you feel better soon.

Wow, that's a lot of snow for almost May. Is that typical of Manitoba?

[Joy]

Thanks. This is my first winter in Manitoba. Today the snow just keeps coming. There must be a foot out there still. Still interested in a seasonal house swap? LOL