Yes, it sounds like recent hurts plus the nature of this neuro recovery process are awakening old hurts, so that you can heal everything at a deeper level than before.
I’m sorry about your loss of your mother and all the illness you all went through. That’s so sad to me that, because of family messages, you felt it was not OK to cry. Crying is so normal and healing! Not feeling your feelings definitely makes you feel unreal / DP / DR
Oof, I’m very sorry to hear about your suicide attempts. It sounds like you were made to feel that there was something wrong with you, and then the meds made things worse. You are what’s called the IP – the identified patient – the one that the family decides is the problem. But the IP is always just the canary in the mineshaft, expressing the problems of the whole family.
I’m very sorry you never encountered real help during such a long time. You are really having huge realizations right now. Realizing what you really needed, how reasonable your feelings were, how unhealthy various messages were. And, yes – that you have not only suppressed your painful feelings as instructed, but your joyful feelings as well!
You are doing great! Keep going.
PS – Coffee…..you are drinking a lot of coffee for some one in AD w/d. Most people can’t get away with that. If you decide to cut down, though, do it slowly. You might replace some of the coffee with decaf.
