1 Year

[m&m]

So, I am at the one year mark. Right now, I just keep having those hopeless thoughts. This will never get better.

Every time I hear about someone committing suicide ...... that just sends me over the top. I can only think "is that going to be me in a few more years when I just can't hang on any longer?" ... will I even make it that long? A Boy Friend of an acquaintance ended his life the other day and he was known for depression. I don't know a lot of the details, only that he was a "sensitive person". I can honestly say my life was never this horrible before... but now... after the AD it is. Is this the same thing as someone who has depression disorder? I just want this to go away, to survive. Will this really go away on it's own?

I keep worrying will this happen to close family members from being around me. I don't want to bring them down.

I just can't believe all this. One minute life was ok... I was functioning and now... I get so upset (over the top upset) when I hear about people ending their life. So sick, angry, and feel hopeless.

Are people that come through this really ok?

[Sheila]

m&m -- Your feelings are still largely neuro-emotion, exacerbated by chemo and other drugs. You really cannot trust your assessment of things yet. For whatever reason, your neuro-anxiety and neuro-depression have landed on the fear of you or someone else committing suicide. I swear to you, if it weren't that, it would be something else. Most of us become obsessed about some worst case scenario. It is a hallmark of this syndrome. Some day we will understand the neural substrate behind it.

I'm very sorry to hear about the boyfriend of your acquaintance. That would be disturbing news to even a normal person. Of course, I can't help but wonder if he was changing dose on an AD.....But, when you have healed neurologically, you will only be normally upset to hear of a suicide in your circle. It won't hit you the way it does now.

Just as your life was completely different before, so it will be completely different again. You just have to go through this ordeal for some reason. Learn all there is to learn. Be as creative with it as possible. And it will end.

[Luc]

M&M, it sometimes gets so hard... I know... But it always gets better. I'm certain that all the procedures you've been trough recently and the drugs you took have temporarily worsened your dysautonomia. Not to mention the psychological level. Stress has augmented that, too. you've come a long way already, and there already were much much better days. They will be back. Talk to us. We are always here.

[m&m]

I miss being happy, that feeling that all is well, waking up and having a cup of coffee on the deck on a Saturday morning knowing that my son was safe in his bed and would be up soon and we would have breakfast together and everything was happy and content. Watching the dogwood in the backyard bloom and thinking "how beautiful". I miss that feeling that everythig was ok... That feeling of spring or a cozy house, clean and just the right temperature.

Thank you guys.

[stan]

m&m,
i have regularly the same thoughts; thinking i am in a dream, thinking maybe i will never heal, and be functioning, and more...; and every day try to go outdoor, but it is so cold(i think my body has difficult with temperature, because it is not so low 0°c night / 9°c day, it is dysautonomia)

[m&m]

Wished I had the power to take it away Stan. You would certainly be one of the first in line. You do so much to help so many and still suffer yourself. Seems such injustice for many to suffer this way.

[Rachel]

hi m&m,I think Sheila is right that it's neuro fear/anxiety which makes us obsess over something. My obsession is that i have cancer. I have never ever previously been like this - I was previously pretty wreckless when it came to my health and never worried at all.
However I really do empathise with your feelings about boyfriend of your acquaintance. I'm in my early 30's and a member of a charity group which i fundraise for has recently committed suicide. He was only 32 and was a bright successful man with everything going for him but he couldn't copw with his anxiety. It is just too sad and i've had those thoughts too - what if this goes on for me for so long that one day I've had enough.
I'm sure these fears will eventually calm down for us, Rachel

[Rachel]

M&M I'm so sorry, I've just been reading the forum and seen your posts that you have cancer. Here i am writing about a fear and you are living it. Hope for your recovery will be in my prayers tonight, Rachel

[Sheila]

Whatever real problems we are each dealing with, w/d neuro-emotion makes them 1000 times worse. It's such a very cruel symptom.

[Luc]

It makes normal fears absurdly augmented. Not to mention the fact that it creates all types of fears, anxieties, phobias that wouldn't even be there in the first place.