My name is Jacqueline I was put on ritalin at age 10 because I didn't keep up in class with learning to read, then antidepressentsat age 14 for OCD caused from bullying, and after hitting my head hard. I'm a smart, passionate, empathic person, who has always been naturally intuned with people and the universe.
The meds took away the highs I use to find in music, art, and the surrounding beauty of life. It took away exactly what kept me going in between all the pain I would feel. I have never been able to feel what a full orgasm is like. There is a wall inside me. I meditate or do yoga to clear my mind from these issues. I sometimes smoke pot to feel also. I wish i did not need weed but it keeps me going at low points of emptyness. I dislike that I depend on it to feel but it has kept me more intouch with life.
I use to be able to close my eyes and dream. Can anyone relate to having your imagination taken away? So I'd like to open up to you about this and hope you do not judge me further. With the desire to feel, just about anything, I tried mushrooms and LSD a couple times, and visually it had no affect. I used it to go reach deep meditations, hoping to make new connections in my brain, and also out of curiousity. My visuals were so faint, I could hardly see it what I was experiencing. It scares me that a drug such as LSD can not give me my imagination back, though I know it is not the answer. It just makes me wonder if it is that out of reach.
I enjoy living inside my head, another reason I've probably had so few friends. Apart from the ways I want to enlighten society, my personal goals are to explore the other dimensions through meditation, experience as many deep emotions, and to use imagination to experience divine creation within. Meditation is something I plan on doing for the rest of my life. I want to keep falling deeper and closer to the universe. And I will never give up my dreams. I was given a very smart and passionate mind. But because of the medication I have limitations, and it frustrates me so much. The limitations hurt my artist ego so much, I want to draw and be an illustrator but I can't see anything inside my head anymore, so now I take photographs. I do not feel good enough for myself or for a lover. I keep developing strength to fall and get back up again, to try and gain back these things.
Life has been a strange journey, but there's a part of me that never dies, the child who believes in magic. I hope that the next years of your life continue to be filled with light and look forward to hearing everyone.
Originally Posted by morningtide
