1 year off sertraline - still experiencing withdrawals.

[Sheila]

It really sounds like very fun work. Yes, it's amazing how people lived their entire lives in a 30 mile radius!

Congratulations on feeling so good! That's super!!

[Rachel]

Hi guys, so the past week or so I have been feeling pretty much ok. No pains, no shakes, no anxiety, no odd sensations, sleep 8 hours a night, pretty happy. it's the first break i've had since mid dec and it felt lovely. i was also on a high dose of antibiotics for an infection for a week and the antibiotics didn't throw me into the depths of hell - i was very worried at first taking them as I have taken no medicines not even painkillers since all this kicked off - i'd developed an almost phobia of pills. So i've been really glad i was able to tolerate them. It was a really big thing for me to conquer to actually swallow a pill since all this WD.
Last night i fell asleep at 11pm and at midnight my son woke up screaming having nightmares. I got up and reassured him as often happens but for some reason last night, the 'being woken during sleep' triggered the flight fight response in me and i started having heart palpitations, feeling panicky,shakey, pins and needles, pains etc. Today my wd pains have come back. I've experienced this during other waves too, usually at the start of a wave and it's a sign i'm getting poorly again.
i'm dreading what could be the start of another 3 months of misery. I know you can't predict how long a wave will last - maybe the last one was brutal and this one will be milder.
How do you come to terms with the fact that this goes on and on and on and you don't know when it will be over?
It seemed almost easier in the first few months as I was utterly convinced I could fight through it and it would end in a few months. How do you wrap your head round the fact that this will most likely still be happening in 3 months time? This is me for the foreseeable future? It's so hard.
I also hate the fact that I'm wishing my life away. Thinking oh if i can make it to 18 months off things will get better, at 2 years i'm sure I'll be ok, 3 years this will be a distant me. ory. And what do you do if you get to these points and nothing has changed? you're still in horrible waves and noone has a clue what you're talking about when you tell them what's wrong.
I don't like talking about what's happened to me to friends, I feel ashamed i took antidepressants when I had everything - a beautiful family and a brilliant healthy body. Some of the few friends who i've told about this ask how i am and I just say 'much better' because I don't want to go into details of the latest problem. I'm sure people start to lose interest in people who don't get better.
My family don't believe me - my mum, who i'm sure is in WD herself from cit (she came off it the same time as me and has since experienced a whole range of weird symptoms - from joint inflamation, to painful streaming eyes, insomnia, arms aching, gi issues, headaches, anxiety) just carries on with life, she's a determined woman, - attributes her symptoms to old age and thinks i'm a lunatic for going on about withdrawal. I just hope if my daughter ever tells me something and asks me to believe her I'll certainly look into what she's saying. My mum took cit for 5 years and during that time her thyroid virtually stopped working - she's now on high levels of thyroxin. I'm certain this thyroid problem is linked to her taking the antidepressants. my mum is so oblivious she's even recommended my aunt start prozac saying it will 'cheer her up'. i felt pretty upset about this considering how ill i've been that she recommend a family member start on these drugs.
anyway- thanks for listening! i hope this eve finds u all coping ok with this situation we're in.
Rachel

[Luc]

The waves are so often unexpected, but so are the windows, Rachel. The next of the waves won't necessarily last as long as those preceding it.

I get your point about family not believing it. It is very painful. In my case, some people from my family believe it, some don't. Among those who *do* believe it, is my... 14 year old nephew, which is very moving in itself. Yesterday, he even asked me if he could help me in any way with our "project" (IAWP). He's Internet savvy big time and knows about Big Pharma a lot.

[m&m]

I know how you feel about the embarassment of it all and about the phobia with the pills. (But my new illness is helping me along with the fear of pills) Anyway, we can't look back now Rachel we just go forward. As far as coming to terms with it all, there are no terms (at least for me) except for telling yourself that "I will heal one day" and believing. It's all very shocking isn't it? Until I found Iggy's story while searching one day and came here I didn't fully understand what had happened.

Your new IWAP family doesn't loose interest in people so no worries there
Being in uncharted territory can be really scary in the middle of a storm but just remember a storm can't rage forever, at some point it will pass.

[Sheila]

I’m so sorry your mother doesn’t believe you. I have a lot of that in my family. It’s very painful, hurtful, angering.

I think the *very* worst thing about this whole ordeal is that moment when you have just been feeling better and you start to feel worse again, and you have no idea how long it will last this time. That, to me, is the height of psychological warfare.

And I really know how frustrating it is to be in a window and know that if such-and-such a stressor had not come along, you might have been able to stretch the window a little longer.

You know, if you’re not telling some of your friends about taking an AD, do you think maybe some of them are not telling you? I mean, soooooo many people are taking ADs now, or Abilify, or a benzo…….

But, overall, the waves do get lighter and briefer. You can really count on that. So, the question is – what would help you to make this waiting time as bearable and meaningful as possible?

[Luc]

You know, if you’re not telling some of your friends about taking an AD, do you think maybe some of them are not telling you? I mean, soooooo many people are taking ADs now, or Abilify, or a benzo……

Agreed, most people will never admit it. In reality, very many people are taking at least one type of drugs.

[Rachel]

Hi Luc, thanks for your replies- how lovely that your 14 year old nephew understands and believes you. That's really special. I guess he hasn't had the years of exposure to the lies like most adults have and if you tell him the drugs have made you sick then why wouldn;t he believe you.

Sheila it is really upsetting when your parents don;t believe you. I think they think I'm overreacting and not ill at all. You're right - it's incredibly tough when the window ends and the next wave begins. You feel so resentful. What is the real me? Is it the window me who just managed almost 2 weeks of feeling fine or the wave me? Why can your brain not just realise that the window you is how you're supposed to be and stay that way- why does it need to go back to ridiculous faulty mode?

I wonder how many people I know are on these drugs? Probably quite a few as you suggest. Thinking about it I do have one really close friend who has been on prozac for coming up 10 years now, she's never been able to quit due to depression 'returning'... hmmm... and my best friend has just stopped taking sertraline at a rate the doctors deemed as very slow but we'd say was very quick. She seems fine so far so I'm hoping she's going to be ok. You just pray for the people you love that they won;t have to suffer this.

How to make this waiting time as bearable as meaningful as possible. What would be good for me. I have a lot of ideas, I'd like to try medidation, yoga, change of diet, new hobby. i have these hopes but no energy, motivation and little time to make those first steps.

M&M thanks for your support. How are you feeling at the moment? How is your treatment going? It is very shocking what has happened to us. Thank goodness for this site - without it where would we be. Can you imagine. We'd be stuck on antidepressants forever. Without the internet, I think i would have thought i'd had a nervous breakdown. I would probably now be on quadruple the dose of sertraline and a zombie and would never have come off them again.

Thanks again for all your support - much appreciated
Rachel

[Sheila]

I know, I have the exact same thoughts –why can’t I stay rational and hang on to the way I saw the world when I was in the last window 12 hours ago????? I went to a talk by a neuropsychologist a few years ago who talked about people healing from neuro problems, who were very smart people, but they just could not control the compelling thoughts – until they got better. It's something to do with executive functions in the frontal lobe.

You're definitely not overreacting. You're definitely going through w/d. It's real and you have a lot of company. But it requires letting go of a lot of sacred cows to admit that it exists.

Sounds like you just realized your friend on Prozac may be hooked on it. And, yeah, it’s unknown why some people seem to get off these meds easily – but even they can get bitten if they try to do that more than once.

Ha ha! Quadruple the dose of sertraline! You said it!

Well, look, you’ve got some excellent ideas about how to make the time pass better. Don’t wait for motivation and energy. That’s a mistake that a lot of people make in w/d. Just start, because all those things you mention are neuro-rehabilitative. And I talked to another neuropsychologist a few years ago who told me that the people who get better fastest are the ones who take up learning something new. You can always come up with 5 – 15 minutes a day to do something that will help you.

[Luc]

Yes, definitely - Sheila is very right here. If you only can, try to keep your mind occupied as much as possible. Perhaps starting something new and exploring news avenues would be a good and helpful, healing-speeding option.

[m&m]

Hey Rachel, yes very thankful for the internet and the accounts of others who have been through this. Do you know how long your friend had been taking the sertraline and if this was her first time on the drug? Just wondering since it said she had no problems coming off. Hope it stays "good" for her.