Nancy's Journal

[Luc]

I still feel dumb cause I did it 28 years. You guys wised up way sooner. I had tried to go off by lowering here and there and would feel bad 2 or 4 or 6 weeks later and tell self I guess the doctors are rigt I do have brain imbalance. Of course they never said maybe it was withdrawal or maybe it was cause would lower antidepressant but not the sleep aid.

Nancy, you started taking those drugs in mid-1980s - hardly anyone at the time knew how they really work. We know what we know only thanks to the Internet, and the truth coming to light especially in the last 5-6 years or so. There was really no chance to avoid it years ago. On a similar note, every time I tried to get of off the drugs, or limit the dose I would, too, go into WD, which usually ended with the doctor upping the dose (like a psychiatric yo-yo effect), not to mention them (doctors) masking side-effects from the drugs and the growing tolerance withdrawal.

The first, most important, step has been made - you started to research it and nw you *know* what is going on.

[nancys]

Unfortunately i trusted that if the doctors were giving me something that they knew what they were doing(long term consequences, current benefits, etc). i trusted they would not give me something that was not thoroughly researched. i also asked them if they were bad for me and they told me no. so unfortunately doctors can not be trusted. so angry.
thank you for all your help.

[stan]

i also trusted during 13 years and was angry; i even thought to kill the doctor who prescribed me paxil, who put me in this situation; with time i try to forget the doctor, they are world numerous who prescribe, so i had to much people to kill; today i am more calm

[Luc]

Yes, the acceptance may not be the easiest at the beginning, but it will be geting better in that respect, which, in turn, will help you heal, Nancy.

[nancys]

My free marriage family therapist today had me work on childhood pain which i was telling him was real bad. I am not sure if this is smart due to the fact of how horrible i have been feeling. i do feel worse as result but am hoping it maybe brings some healing in a few days. not sure good idea to do though. do you have an opinion. i guess it is already done and i will see what happens. but not so sure should be making myself feel any worse however maybe it is causing lots of the problem and this will help. My guess is that it is not smart to make me feel any worse than i already to. 15 days on celexa. cant wait for 2 more weeks to see if it makes me feel even better which i think it should. still very miserable and nonfunctional(before therapy session) but am improving.
I know i have mentioned this stuff before but this is just what occured at therapy and my best thinking at the time.

[Luc]

I think the best way is to wait and see if the therapy helps you or not, Nancy. Then you will decide which way to go. Hang in there!

[Sheila]

As Luc says, I think you’re going to have to figure out by trial and error what will work for you at this point in time. Because you are in new territory. Virtually no therapist you meet will understand that your medication w/d (and possibly the MVA brain injury) is interweaving with your bona fide psychological issues.

You seem to feel a press to talk about your childhood and get help for that. At the same time, doing so stirs up feelings, which are magnified by your neurological issues. It’s a conundrum.

I find that in w/d there are *a lot* of situations where there is no perfect, solution. Everything is a trade off. So, you may have to experiment and find the best, but not perfect solution.

Also, what works for you now may be different from what works for you in 6 months.

[nancys]

I am only discussing childhood stuff because it seems to be present. i guess i always think you should delve into it to get better. But could be real bad cause of withdrawal. It is probably way worse cause of withdrawal. I guess i keep thinking all this is childhood issues so i should bring it up and get through it. but i don't know really. its just an idea i have. but you guys say withdrawal and i probably believe that too. it is just so confusing.
But i definately have gotten way worse since delving into with therapist yesterday. Way Worse.
I don't think it is a good idea for me to be way worse. only been back on 20 mg 16 days. i think i should way to delve into childhood stuff until much better from reinstatement. I can do even less last night and today than before and i was severely nonfunctional before. We shall see. I sure hope this passes soon but fear it won't. i will probably feel better on other side of it and hope it goes away in several days or at least quite a bit. I don't think it is worth feeling this bad right now to bring this stuff up to feel better. i think we should wait until drugs kick in more. I wish there were a real answer when it comes to therapy if i should focus on this stuff when already so bad off. My guess is no but i am not a trained therapist. I am not sure if the free therapist knows.
I am not going to delve into it again until doing quite a bit better. i am a complete mess now.

[Luc]

But could be real bad cause of withdrawal. It is probably way worse cause of withdrawal.

Yes, Nancy. WD makes it much much much worse, it gets augmented billionfold. Also, if you feel it worsens your situation, it's a good decision to wait for the drugs to kick in and abstain from delving into the past traumas for now. We are keeping our fingers crossed for you for the drugs to start working up a notch at least.

[nancys]

It was dumb to bring up that childhood stuff. Got waaayyy worse. I believe the free therapist should not have had me do that given that i am barely staying alive as is. I just dont think that is the smart way to do it. I could be wrong. but i cant imagine making me feel worse is a good idea at this point.
Anyway. i sure hope it goes away in days or a week. plus now it will be harder to assess celexa impact unless it does go away soon. oh well. thats life. too late now. Torture.
Thank you for all your support. I need others opinions and knowledge to get through all this. 17 days on 20mg and 14 days on trazadone. they say 4-6 weeks for celexa to fully kick in and that helps with anxiety the longer it is in me. and that trazadones depression/anxiety effects take 3-4 weeks eventhough really only taking it for sleep. Still sleep bad but dont want to go up on anything yet and they didnt recommend it either. plus if i feel a little better i can go to store and buy some supplements. although i just saw a show on dr. oz on how unpredicatable supplement contents are. i would like to buy pharmaceutical grade but i am completely broke. i will have to buy health food store grade. I am going to get magnesium, valerian, kavakava, maybe melatonin. i have calmsforte. i will experiment with that. i wonder if there is homeopathy. i sure wish i had money to see naturalpath type doctor.
Thank you for all of your help. it is really helpful to me. I really appreciate it and need it.