"As Soon As You Stop Wanting Something You Get It."

[Mike]

I've often thought about this idea with respect to my illness and today I stumbled upon the above quote by Andy Warhol... It made me think of couples who have said "right when we gave up hope we got pregnant." Or in my own life if I try to go sleep I can't but if I give up trying I easily drift off. A few years ago I remember experiencing severe symptoms and almost the moment I gave up on them going away the severity lessoned by more than 50%. I am sure some of you have similar examples...

So what if anything does this have to do with coping with chronic illness? Is all of this praying, and yearning, and wishing, and theorizing, and kicking and screaming getting in the way? Would *total* acceptance of illness free one up in any way or even promote healing? What would total acceptance mean?

Your thoughts?

[Chris]

I love your post title. This was something I hit on as a young teen. The passionate wants of the teen years--I wanted to go to a concert in the worst way, but I was deemed too young; so while my sister who was older didn't seem to want to go all that much (she was blase) she was allowed to go.

[Luc]

Mike, I have no doubt, especially at some point of WD, this to be true. Letting the rebellious counter, and not-that-good, energy go away, and, for oneself, going more with the flow... I have had the *exact* same experiences. And "total acceptance" for me would be trusting in some higher order to eventually restore everyting to its previous, pre-drugs, form.

Though, adding just a bit of a healthy dose of keeping searching for more ways of treatment, trying out, in a sensible moderation, of more alternatives, may be a good combo too. But it's an entirely different story.

[Sheila]

Total synchro, Mike. And great thread. I was just working on this today – that I really have to trust and let go of fear. That that is what is holding me back. It’s just so hard to do when the concrete circumstances of your life are genuinely yucky.

I can inch forward with fear. But, I feel like I could soar if I could deeply trust.

Anger and protest – although sometimes healing, and always understandable – can also get in the way for me. Like how a kid holding her breath in protest ends up….without oxygen…..

For me, an important part of acceptance or surrender is trust or faith – the belief that, despite my current suffering, I am still fundamentally OK, safe – and the belief that I will be even more OK in the future.

What I need to do, though, is shift that faith-struggling-with-fear towards a more constant, resounding conviction. Don’t get me wrong – I have a lot of faith. But, like I said, if I had even more (there are degrees), I believe I would soar.

I can’t tell you how many anecdotes I’ve read of people struggling with fear and anger, and then they really let go, surrender, and boom – their lives transform. So, having read 6 trillion of these stories, why can I not do it?

Neuro-emotion makes it much harder, of course, but, for me, this lack of faith has roots in my earliest experiences, and, at this point, having done lots of good work in my own psychotherapy, it feels almost like an addiction to an old way of being that I can’t quite let go of (although, again, don’t get me wrong, I have let go of it a lot). I believe this w/d illness is a kind of purge of this issue – and things get worse on the way to getting better than ever.

Already, due to the work I’ve *had* to do to get through w/d, I have gotten so much better on this issue. But, there is more triumph to come…..

In fact, I want to end by flipping your point around, and saying that I think we have all *already* done a phenomenal job of letting go, surrendering, accepting, trusting, keeping the faith. Yes, there is always room for improvement. But, we have already grown so much in strength, endurance, wisdom, humility, courage, awareness, critical thinking, independent-mindedness, and grace under fire – more than most people ever do.

[Sheila]

I was thinking about how we “fall” asleep in English. How there are some things that happen more easily from “allowing” or “permitting” than from “trying.” Annie was just talking about how dream recall works better if you allow than if you try.

This is a hard one for me. I was trained by family and school to make a big effort. I think this one of the big things I’m learning from w/d.

Somewhere I was reading recently about the balancing act of activity and receptivity in life. I’ll try to remember.

[Mike]

Mike, I have no doubt, especially at some point of WD, this to be true. Letting the rebellious counter, and not-that-good, energy go away, and, for oneself, going more with the flow... I have had the *exact* same experiences. And "total acceptance" for me would be trusting in some higher order to eventually restore everyting to its previous, pre-drugs, form.

It's a tricky balance, knowing when to fight, when to surrender, when to work hard toward goals, when to relax into the flow. Reminds me of Muhammad Ali's strategy of rope-a-dope--covering up, hanging on the ropes and going with the flow, tiring his opponent, and then annihilating him in the final moments. It's not the perfect metaphor since I don't see this as a battle but it's definitely an example of a "smart fight," knowing when to do what instead of just slugging away endlessly.

Though, adding just a bit of a healthy dose of keeping searching for more ways of treatment, trying out, in a sensible moderation, of more alternatives, may be a good combo too. But it's an entirely different story.

This makes sense... I think there are some gentle treatments that have helped people. Everybody has to find what works for them, what's worth investing time and hope in. For me, it's about balance--practicing self-care that supports healing but not putting too much emphasis/hope/energy into an external solution.

[Mike]

Total synchro, Mike. And great thread. I was just working on this today – that I really have to trust and let go of fear. That that is what is holding me back. It’s just so hard to do when the concrete circumstances of your life are genuinely yucky.

I can inch forward with fear. But, I feel like I could soar if I could deeply trust.

Anger and protest – although sometimes healing, and always understandable – can also get in the way for me. Like how a kid holding her breath in protest ends up….without oxygen…..

For me, an important part of acceptance or surrender is trust or faith – the belief that, despite my current suffering, I am still fundamentally OK, safe – and the belief that I will be even more OK in the future.

What I need to do, though, is shift that faith-struggling-with-fear towards a more constant, resounding conviction. Don’t get me wrong – I have a lot of faith. But, like I said, if I had even more (there are degrees), I believe I would soar.

I can’t tell you how many anecdotes I’ve read of people struggling with fear and anger, and then they really let go, surrender, and boom – their lives transform. So, having read 6 trillion of these stories, why can I not do it?

Neuro-emotion makes it much harder, of course, but, for me, this lack of faith has roots in my earliest experiences, and, at this point, having done lots of good work in my own psychotherapy, it feels almost like an addiction to an old way of being that I can’t quite let go of (although, again, don’t get me wrong, I have let go of it a lot). I believe this w/d illness is a kind of purge of this issue – and things get worse on the way to getting better than ever.

Already, due to the work I’ve *had* to do to get through w/d, I have gotten so much better on this issue. But, there is more triumph to come…..

In fact, I want to end by flipping your point around, and saying that I think we have all *already* done a phenomenal job of letting go, surrendering, accepting, trusting, keeping the faith. Yes, there is always room for improvement. But, we have already grown so much in strength, endurance, wisdom, humility, courage, awareness, critical thinking, independent-mindedness, and grace under fire – more than most people ever do.

I like your comments about working toward feeling fundamentally OK and the belief that things can be better. This shows a level of acceptance but at the same time you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself in a situation that is fundamentally out of your control. "What I need to do," ..."triumph," "if I even had more (faith)," "why can I not do it?," Would a person with M.S. Parkinson's, or Lupus put this pressure on themselves? How is their situation different from ours? Isn't it infinitely human and understandable for chronically ill people to have fear? Is letting go of fear a prerequisite, an impediment to healing, that weighs heavily on our shoulders or is it an understandable process that is worked out as a part of healing?

What brought me to seek out and post the above quote in this title of this post is that I haven't been able to *will* an outcome. What if I just gave up and each day said "what can I do with this day?" and opened myself up to the experience and what it has to teach me. Truly "living with the illness" rather than all of this do, do, doing to make it go away. Maybe that paradoxically would be more productive. Maybe there's a greater adventure there. Believe me I am very bad at this, but it's something that's got me thinking.

In bike touring there's this phenomenon in which cyclists plan a tour "within an inch of it's life." And it NEVER goes as planned and it seems there is always more fun,adventure, growth when one goes with the flow. People usually start out worrying about where they are going to sleep each night and weeks or months into the tour it's the last thing on their mind. It always works out even in situations in which there aren't seemingly a lot of options. One guy started out a heavy planner but as time went on he saw more value in "trusting the ride" which meant going with the flow and not adhering to a rigid itinerary. For him it very clearly meant a tangibly richer experience... I also find it interesting that one of the defining characteristics of truly great highly accomplished people is that they never had goals. They went with the flow, which led to all sorts of opportunities that they couldn't have envisioned in a "five year plan."

OK, rambling a bit but wanted to share what's been on my mind lately and what may be a shift in my approach to my illness...

-Mike

[Luc]

What brought me to seek out and post the above quote in this title of this post is that I haven't been able to *will* an outcome. What if I just gave up and each day said "what can I do with this day?" and opened myself up to the experience and what it has to teach me. Truly "living with the illness" rather than all of this do, do, doing to make it go away. Maybe that paradoxically would be more productive. Maybe there's a greater adventure there.

This thing is among those that have helped me tremendously in WD. I catch your drift perfectly, Mike. The emphasized piece especially (though, the entire paragraph is very important, too). Living with it *and* trying to draw a philosophical, as it were, satisfaction (despite the pain of symptoms) of adding more and more of the recovery pieces into place...

When you do this, it is suddenly glass "half-full", with a strong conviction (extrapolating on the improvement so far) of filling up the glass completely, drop by drop.

[Iggy131313]

Alto wwrote about how she stopped caring about her anhedonia and then it got better, still, accepting that this is our life now is depressing in itself...I guess as I have only been suffering for 7 months that the idea of living with this is still repulsive to me and not someting I am prepared to do.

You could argue to fighting against the symptoms revs up the nervous system and keeps the cns in uproar, like when you talked about fearing a SS episode on the way to a bike ride and you got one, I dont think this was psychsomatic, rather that the thought of it revved up your cns and made it happen...but how to stop fearing fear? To me its like chopping off your leg and saying dont feel the pain...very difficult indeed

[Luc]

but how to stop fearing fear?

I get your point, Iggy. Here's the deal, though; it's not as much a matter of "stopping" this fear; at some point of WD, it is close to impossible to stop it from a physiological point of view. All the efforts to stop the fear, or stop being afraid of the fear, ad infinitum, may beget more frustration, thus fuel the fear, being afraid of the fear, and so on. At the stage you are now, it's more a matter of helping yourself through it by self-talk "it's WD, it's going to get better and better, my CNS is healing all the time, the window of relief will open", and, if it's only possible, performing the easiest of tasks to have, at least a rational, realization that you have done this tiny tiny thing every day. It may also help you to take your mind, even if partially, off of WD.